Day 266: I’d Rather Just Observe People [Friday Thoughts W/ TeeCoZee]
Good Moleman. This isn’t my house. In fact, I didn’t even give you my coat! It’s Friday, June 11th 2zero2one. The weather in Manhattan is 68° & Pantone 0438 and somewhere, somebody is eating dinner. Another person is riding a bike. Another person is meeting up with a long lost friend. Another person is making a waffle for the first time. Another person is doing another thing, then they will do another thing. And me? I truly don’t feel like doing anything. I don’t even feel like saying what’s on my mind…
– Dear reader, I’m going through it today. To be fair, I’ve been going through it all week, but today is especially bad. I simply don’t have the energy to explicate what’s on my mind. So instead, I’m just going to list off some observations I made about people recently:
– I saw a guy the other day wearing a Yankee jersey. Underneath it was a T-Shirt that said, “I could be wrong, but I doubt it”. I feel like that summarizes the full experience of being a Yankee fan.
– Pop Quiz Time: A woman stuck in traffic walked into the store and directly to the staircase. It’s very obvious that she can’t go down the staircase but she did it anyway. Aside from the fact that she felt entitled to the employee restroom, what was the dead giveaway that she was a Karen? Was it:
A. A Live, Laugh, Love T-Shirt
B. Her asking for a manager
Or C. Her short, spiky blond hair and Sketchers
I don’t know how you would possibly know the answer to this because obviously, you weren’t there. The answer is C. But option B might’ve happened if I didn’t immediately tell her that she was trespassing. I also didn’t get a good look at her shirt.
– In speaking of shirts, I saw this guy walking down Broadway the other day. He was wearing an American Psycho T-Shirt with Patrick Bateman’s bloody, screaming face on it. Did he:
A. Flirt with a random woman
B. Smoke a cigarette
Or C. Look at me funny
The answer is D, all of the above. This guy needs to learn a thing or two about tact. For starters, if you’re going to flirt with a rando, make sure she isn’t wearing headphones. Making her take her AirPods out just so you can make a comment about her ass makes it much more likely that she’ll respond negatively. Also, probably not a good idea to be smoking while you do it, especially if it was apparent that the stranger had just finished working out. Also, maybe don’t flirt with people while you have frightening images on your shirt. And lastly, MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST STOP BOTHERING WOMEN THAT ARE OBVIOUSLY JUST TRYING TO LIVE THEIR GODDAMN LIFE IN PEACE YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT ASSHOLE STOP LOOKING AT ME WEIRD ITS 2021 NOBODY SMOKES ANYMORE GROW UP!!!
– Top 5 Most Honk-Heavy Days In Holland Tunnel Traffic
5) Monday – Because everyone’s already too miserable to be in a rush to get to New Jersey
4) Wednesday – Must be the hump day optimism. Also, I don’t work many Wednesdays, so I’m not fully versed.
3) Friday – This may come as a shock to you. I think it might be because everybody’s chill that the weekend has started. Also, it’s 5:00 on a Friday. If you’re mad about being in traffic, it’s your own fault. This was very much expected.
2) Thursday – This is the angry crowd that thought they were being smart by leaving town a day early. News flash: nobody works Fridays in NYC. Your job isn’t special. Everybody leaves on Thursday. Deal with it and stop honking.
1) Tuesday – This one I honestly can’t explain, but horn honking is always the most brutal on Tuesday. This Tuesday, I had a Semi Truck outside my door honking for over an hour. I had never been so tempted to make a sign that says “Honk if you’re an asshole”.
– Random Rachel Quote of the Week: “I couldn’t decide if I wanted to drink water or go to bed”
– If I have to assure one more customer that the cashiers were not actually replaced by robots, I’m going to scream. In other words, I’m going to scream.
– I’m not gonna lie, this exercise made me feel better. People are stupid and they generally suck. I may be going through some awful times, but at least I’m not a total fucking idiot! That would honestly suck.
– Try this trick over the weekend: stop worrying about yourself. Take a walk around and be grateful that you’re not one of the hosers that surround you.
Have a smug weekend, everyone!