Day 262: At Least Our Fantasy Team Is Better Than The Yankees [Beer League Roundup Week 9]
What up, League Beer-ers?!? I’d like to take this opportunity to once again gloat. It’s that special time in every baseball fan’s life that everything in the universe makes sense. It doesn’t happen often, especially these days, but man does it feel good. The New York Yankees are a bad team. Just let that sink in. Bask in its glory. This is what freedom smells like. They’ve lost 8 of their last 10. They were swept by the Tigers, the only team in the AL to produce less runs than them this season. Which means that the “Bronx Bombers” are the second lowest-scoring team in the American League. The crackdown on doctoring balls is already causing Gerrit Cole to regress. This has been a trying time for New Yorkers, but the combination of the Mets winning and the Yankees sputtering has brought us a message of hope. That’s the power of baseball, baby. That said, what happened around the league?
GunPolinski’s Hotdog Crown Chi put a little mustard on House of Brews, 8-5
If it wasn’t for Rich Hill, Colin would be contesting my newfound record of Worst Pitching Week Of All Time. In this weird-ass baseball season, Rich Hill is a revelation. After a few wonderful years in LA, it seemed clear that there was no gas left in the tank. I still recoil in sadness every time I think about his abbreviated comeback game against the Orioles. For some reason, the Rays took a chance on him, as did Colin. And I commend them for that. Homeboy is 41 years old, has considered retirement countless times, has had more comebacks than Dave Chapelle and has found himself to be an Ace for the first time in his career. You love to see it.
This upset was highlighted by Paul’s inability to get RBIs. While he has one of the hottest offenses in the league, they just didn’t do much. Pitchers may or may not have figured out Adolis Garcia and we are all praying for the latter. Jose Abreu couldn’t get anything going. Hell, even Tatis only hit .250 [but it’s not his fault that he had to spend the weekend with deGrom and the suddenly other-worldly duo of Marcus Stroman and Taijuan Walker]. Ke’Bryan Hayes brought him some mercy by coming back for a long weekend and frankly, it saved his batting average. On Colin’s side, who the fuck is Patrick Wisdom?!? He knocked in 3 taters and had an OPS of 1.375. Needless to say, picking him up showed a lot of Wisdom on Colin’s part. Shut up, Troy.
Tommy Lasoda was refreshed to defeat RBI’d 4 Her Pleasure, 8-5
In this matchup, I did what I do best. And by that, I mean that I did the only two things I can do well: walk and strike mofos out. I had 5 batters with 4+ walks and 4 pitchers with 10+ strikeouts. I also benefitted greatly from Kelsey’s bad pitching luck. Newfound King of the World, John Means, only got 2 outs before he left with a shoulder strain. Michael Pineda gave up 5 over 3. Lucas Giolito got lit up by the Tigers and Jesus Luzardo is in the bullpen for some reason. But he’s not collecting saves, because Kelsey got none. Probably because her only closer plays for the Mariners.
Despite all of that, she almost pulled off an upset. Her 48 RBIs were second best in the league. This was accredited to Andrew Benintendi, who got 11 of them. She’s been a mark for him for as long as I’ve known her and it’s finally starting to pay dividends. Also, Matt Olson is on a different planet, as he had 4 consecutive multi-hit games. Also-also, Mookie Betts is finally back and that’s good not just for baseball, but for humanity at large.
Team 2 Be Named L8er renamed US2 Onion Melter to US-2 Onion Seltzer’s and also beat them, 9-3
This one was no contest. I mean, there was definitely a contest, but it was no contest. I think. How bad did Matt do this week? Even though Rachel was the benefactor of one of the worst pitching performances of all time in Carlos Martinez, she still won in ERA and WHIP. But to be fair, she also busted her ass to win those two stats, extracting masterful double-starts out of deGrom and Stroman. Matt had the worst overall performance of the week for any team that was actually there for the draft. His .183 batting average was just depressing. I would say that Jose Altuve did pretty good for him, but he’s a cheating, lying, low-life, scumsucking motherfucker. If there was such a thing as justice, a concept I only somewhat believe in, Matt’s batting average would be much lower without Altuve and Bregman.
Also, it rained a lot this week. At the same time, Josh Donaldson slashed .409/1.337. We live in a simulation.
GERALD’S® FRAUDS took his humble aggression out on Connecticut Rainbows, 10-4
In what was essentially his bye week, Zook padded his lead with 10 more points. He’s now 9.5 games ahead of 2nd place. I’m not gonna lie, I’m a little concerned. If Jesse Winker keeps setting the world on fire, it’s going to be a long, long summer. Anyways, here’s “Too Hot”:
Cheese Whiz narrowly upset Dollar Dogs, 7-5
Whenever we see couples going against each other on the schedule, we all hope that it’s a fair and amicable week. This week was not one of those cases. I truly don’t want to know how much shade and animosity was thrown between Kaitlyn and Amanda, because this was a brutally close game. I can only imagine a weekend full of refreshing and groaning as the other edged them in a stat. Just looking at the numbers alone makes me uncomfortable. Just look at these batting stats!
This was truly anyone’s ballgame. It could’ve easily swung into a blowout on either side. Even the most innocuous decisions mattered in the grand scheme. If Amanda would’ve started Evan Longoria on Friday and David Peralta on Sunday, it could’ve been an absolute stomping. Likewise, if Kaitlyn would’ve had faith in Justin Upton and Gio Urshela, the final score would be much different.
But alas, Amanda ended up with the crucial upset. What’s done is done and they can pick up the pieces from there. The fact that they’re [probably] still together after this tumultuous time gives me hope for when I play Rachel in a couple weeks. When asked for comment, Kaitlyn responded:
I’m not responding to media questions at this time. My team is in mourning at the loss of Mike Trout (and the last 3/4/5? weeks of losses), please respect our privacy at this challenging time.
Welp. Guess I better lawyer up.
BQE Gongshow banged up Batting Cages, 10-4
I think it’s about time that we took PK seriously. After weeks of calling him the Bongshow, he seems to be seeking vengeance. He led the league with 19 dongers and 53 ribeyes. Those two stats alone are enough to strike fear in my heart. PK should’ve won the blue checkmark last week for picking up Cedric Mullins, because dear god, that dude is raking. He slashed .600/1.902 on the week. Just unbridled insanity.
After taking 2 losses in a row, Bryan is somehow still firmly in second place. He’s still 9.5 games ahead of third place. It appears that no matter how hard we try, Bryan and Zook are just on a different level. They’re both being primed to get that cursed bye week in September and then choke immediately. Because that’s just how shit works.
As far as the rest of the league is concerned, there’s only a 6.5 game gap between 3rd place and 8th. Expect a summer full of shuffling, hot takes, cold heartbreaks and a heavily contested wild card race. Pop your corn and NA your Chos. This is gonna be a wild ride!
Jeff Passan’s Blue Checkmark goes to Colin, for having the infinite wisdom to pick up Patrick Wisdom.
The Drive Into Deep Right Field By Castellanos Award goes to Rachel, for starting Carlos Martinez as he pitched one of the worst games of all time. He gave up 10 runs in 0.2 innings. Only two other players in baseball history have done that. The Cardinals straight-up left him out there to die. It was all surreal, horrifying and hilarious at the same time. Sorry, babe.
And with that, don’t bother setting your lineups today. There’s only 3 games for some sick and twisted reason. Chances are, if there’s someone on your bench that’s playing today, you probably want to keep them on your bench. Take a day off. Be somebody.