Day 259: I’d Rather Be Night Drinking [Friday Thought W/ TeeCoZee]

Good Moleman. Needs more ice cream. Marge, can we set the oven to “cold”? It’s Friday, June 4th, 20Twenty1. The weather in Queens is 79˚ & Pantone 10-65955 and somewhere, somebody is listening to the radio. What a concept. How weird it feels for the person to not be in control. To be at the mercy of a robot or some un/underpaid college student. What will they play next? Katy Perry? Aerosmith? Some other musical act that they don’t really care for? The possibilities are endless. Little do they know, the possibilities are not endless. In fact, there’s a very finite amount of possibilities. This is because the radio station is trying to go bankrupt for the insurance money, so they’re playing every song that Winger ever made to commemorate Paul Taylor’s birthday. And me? I’m not much of a Winger fan, although I did use them a lot to make fun of my friend that was dating a 17 year old. I also have a thing on my mind.

– We got brunch delivered today, because payday. If there’s one good thing that the pandemic has done, it’s forcing restaurants to bring the brunch experience to your home. No longer do we have to wait in lines, listen to crying children and be forced to eat outside where the food gets cold and buggy quicker. We can enjoy our fancy meal from the comfort of our own couch while watching wrestling documentaries and YouTube videos. The way God intended. And you don’t feel like you’re getting ripped off or missing out on something. The meal even includes the complimentary coffee and alcoholic bev. I chose a bloody mary and even though the meal is long eaten and currently in the digestion process, the bottle remains pretty full. There’s a whole lot of reasons as to why this is so.

  • The bottle is cold and wet from condensation. While this seems like a no problemo for most people, it’s a non-starter for me. Because the bottle is branded with a loose, white sticker donning the restaurant’s logo. There are two things that disgust me more than anything else in the world: a loose/used sticker and wet paper. With that in mind, just looking at a wet sticker makes me gag a little. There is no way to drink from this bottle without either touching the wet sticker or acknowledging that it exists. That’s the last thing I wanna do while drinking a tasty bev, no matter how tasty that bev may be.
  • Bloody Marys have pulp, which makes me think I’m somehow drinking the wet sticker. I could ask rachel to just take the sticker off for me, but then next thing I know, she’s going to be killing spiders for me and checking under the bed for killer dolls.
  • After one sip, I realized that I’m not in a tomato mood. I should’ve played the smart dude card and gotten a bellini like a smart dude would have. You don’t need to be in a certain mood to drink a bellini and if you somehow aren’t, it’s socially acceptable to drink one at night. Having a bloody mary after 9 PM automatically makes you a psychopath. I really didn’t map out my day properly.
  • I…just don’t…like…day drinking? It’s just a lot to commit to. Like, it’s broad daylight and you may or may not be able to operate heavy machinery. It kind of feels like you’re punting the day. You have no choice but to keep drinking or let that buzz wear off and then you’re suddenly not buzzed, which is a mindfuck of its own. They say that you never want to bury your children, likewise, you also don’t want to lose your buzz while awake. That’s a literal buzzkill. It’s blueballs of the vibe.

As a person that has a drink every single day, my abhorrence towards day drinking is confusing. I get half a drink in and I just feel downright uncomfortable. Like I’m doing something I shouldn’t be. But if the sun is down, I can drink whiskey on the rocks and not bat an eye. Psychologically, night drinking just makes more sense. We’re all creatures of habit and when it comes to our habits, our habits have habits. Drinkers have a time that they drink, smokers have a time that they smoke, sex addicts have lighting preferences and gamblers wear stupid hats. At the end of the day, we’re all just really complicated people.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to close my eyes and drink the last 5 ounces of bloody mary.

– Try this trick over the weekend: shower and brush your teeth in the afternoon. See how much the change in setting messes up your day.

Have an upside-down weekend, everyone!

– TeeCoZee