Day 248: At Least We Have A New Fearless Leader [Beer League Roundup Week 7]

What’s up, Beer Leaguers? As you can tell by the title, the brief and terrifying reign of Zook is now over! We all have the right to point our fingers at him and laugh. Doesn’t that feel good? That’s a human being you’re laughing at, show some respect. Joe doesn’t deserve your ridicule. How could you?!? You should probably apologize to him. Either way, how did we get here? What did Joe do wrong to put him in 2nd place? Let’s round it up!

GERALD’S® FRAUDS grilled US2 Onion Melters, 9-5

Well, that’s surprising. Joe won his matchup decisively, but was still evicted from his throne. But he tumbled in style, leading the league in HR, RBIs, SB, AVG, and OPS. His rag-tag team of nobodies are still trying their damndest to be mistaken as somebodies. Jesse Winker hit 6 goddamn home runs. For reference, 3 other teams hit 6 home runs. But if you were to put him in a lineup with a bunch of other jamokes, I’d probably think he was Skip Schumaker. On the Mattular side of things, Bruce Hooper must’ve heard me reluctantly praise him. Just to prove me wrong, he only got two hits on the week. This all seems very unfair to Matt, but I don’t make the rules. Wait, I do make the rules.

House of Brews squeezed the remaining bits of Cheese Whiz, 11-2

Fernando Tatis Jr is a fucking joke. This dude didn’t get a hit in 30% of his at-bats. Paul might as well drop him, because the dude is garbage. He only got 10 RBIs, while Adolis Garcia, a guy that nobody has heard of, got 11. Just purely chump shit. Only two stolen bases? A 2.569 OPS? He ain’t gonna win a Cy Young doing that! Fernando Tatis Jr is a terrible pitcher. Paul should trade him to me. Because at least I have the grapefruits to keep him benched all season. The rest of his team picked up the slack, so that Paul could have his blowout win. Walker Buehler really bailed his ass out, just saying. It seems like Paul is going to be in the Top 5 for the long haul, no matter how much Tatis does to sabotage it.

RBI’d 4 Her Pleasure named Team 2 Be Named L8er a loser, 10-3

In the battle of friends, somebody had to lose. For some reason, she lost by a lot. They both gave a muted performance, trying hard to not embarrass the other. Both of their offenses were living in Slump City and the only pitcher to go more than 8 innings did so with a 9.00 ERA. It was a quiet week for two teams that are completely ravaged with injuries. Between the two of them, 11 players are on the IL. And that’s with only 4 IL slots total. That’s a whole lot of wasted bench. But unfortunately, that’s just the state of baseball right now. Our teams are littered with undroppable players that aren’t playing. It’d be easy to say that both Rachel and Kelsey are going to have stellar teams come July, but then again, so will all of us. We’re all just treading water, praying that nobody else gets hurt.

BQE Bongshow dropped a resin bomb on the Connecticut Rainbows, 8-6

On the bright side, Dave’s autodraft squad led the league in Runs and stolen bases. That’s a feather in his cap! But unfortunately, that hat is already covered in feathers and they’re shedding everywhere. But he kept it close and the team is definitely improving. There’s light at the end of the basement stairs. But it’s still the basement stairs and there’s scary monsters living underneath it. Anyways, here’s Opposites Attract:

Tommy Lasoda quenched Gus Polinski’s Hotdog Crown Chi, 8-6

Carlos Rodon is on some next level shit. He pitched 6 innings against the Yankees and struck out 13 of them. Respectively, Colin got some solid starts out of Trevor Bauer and Hyun-Jin Ryu. He could have had me hook, line and sinker, but he made one fatal error. He used up all of his roster moves in the first two days. While the addition of Kyle Schwarber and Mike Zunino padded his home run lead, he could’ve used those two moves for streamers to chase me down in IP and Wins. He knew that his decision to keep his roster static was going to either be genius or blow up in his face. Neither would have surprised me.

Batting Cages battered Dollar Dogs to death, 14-0, Flawless Victory

What the hell?!? Really?!? Bryan racked up his 2nd flawless victory of the season and he did it against Kaitlyn’s 2nd place squad. I just…what?!? How?!? She was even the benefactor of Spencer Turnbull’s no-hitter and she still got shut out. This is purely bad luck. But it could also be something else. Maybe, just maybe, Mike Trout is cursed? While we all applauded that she won the Mike Trout sweepstakes. She was blessed with the best player in baseball, but now that he’s injured, the whole team underperformed at the same time. Just like…the Anaheim Angels, all the time. Could it be that the inclusion of Mike Trout causes fantasy teams to rank just like the real life Angels? Or is this just an extremely hot take after a weird week? Don’t look at me. I’m not time. I’m just the interim commissioner.

And with that, we have a new team on top. Joe now has a good view of Bryan’s feet from 0.5 games below. I’m not sure how that measures in actual distance, but I’m sure it’s close. We can all breathe easy. It’s a new day in the Beer League. The bad man isn’t ruling us anymore. But he is currently shutting me out. Derp.

Jeff Passan’s Blue Check Mark goes to Kaitlyn, who streamed Spencer Turnbull for his no-no. Now that these are becoming a weekly thing, this award is probably going to be reserved for whoever picks up the no-hitter. But that doesn’t make them less special. I’ve already ordered my bootleg Turnbull jersey. He may be shitty for the rest of his career, but he’s still my hero, damnit!

The Drive To Deep Right Field By Castellanos Award goes to Colin, for using his roster moves too early. I told him when it happened that he was getting an award no matter the outcome and I’m a man of my word.

Ladies and Gents, have a good week and stay the fuck away from James McCann. I can assure you that he can’t.

– TeeCoZee