Day 241: At Least This One Will Be Short [Beer League Roundup Week 6]
What up, Beer Leaguers! I’m going to be frank with you, but I’m not going to change my name to it because there’s already too many hot dog related names. I just got home from a 12 hour drive. My head is fuzzy. I’m tired as hell and I can’t see straight. I’m not doing any deep dives into the league this week. But I’ll still make it a fun challenge to piss myself off. For every matchup, I’m going to take the highest stat made by the winning team and write that number of words for said matchup. But I’m not going to include any stats that have decimals because I don’t feel like writing fractions of words. Cool? Cool. Let’s do it.
Gus Polinski’s Hot Dog Crown Chi struck out RBI’d 4 Her Pleasure with 69 sesame seeds to win, 7-5
How can a team score half of the amount of RBIs, bat for an average almost an entire point lower and still decisively win the matchup? Pitching, duh. And Kelsey’s pitching staff let her down again. You wouldn’t expect Morton, Marquez and Giolito to all melt down on the same week, but here we are. It’s just straight up bad luck. Again, Colin benefits from opponents stepping on rakes.
GERALD’S FRAUDS sent 89 hired goons to take care of House of Brews, 9-3
Is this really happening? Do we really have to jump onto the Joe Zook hype train? While we all thought that Paul would bring the new top dog down a few notches, he couldn’t get the job done. The Royals may suck now, but Carlos Santana is still writing hit songs. Vlad Jr has turned into the machine he was supposed to be. Jesse Winker is an early MVP candidate. If the MLB season maintains it’s wackiness, we’re gonna have a long summer with Joe’s sleeper squad. Choo choo.
US2 Onion Melter changed their name 75 times, confusing Batting Cages and causing an 8-5 upset
Last week, Matt accused me of criticizing his use of Bruce Hooper. So he went and had a turnaround week, because everything that happens in the universe happens to spite me. Also, his cheating assholes are back on the diamond grind. Altuve hit .421 and Bregman did Bregman things. Of course, because he sold his soul for stats, karma had to even him out. So Corey Seager broke his hand. The universe spites me again.
Cheese Whiz used an 85 cheese blend to smother the Connecticut Rainbows, 10-4
Well, that didn’t last long. After shocking the world last week, Dave’s autodraft team crawled back into obscurity. Amanda hammered him with a ridiculous pitching line, tossing 92.2 innings for a measly 3.11 ERA. At this point, I would probably say something like, “In speaking of 311, here’s ‘Come Original'”. But I’m not going to do that. It’s a cheap and childish tactic, like saying nice every time the number 69 comes up or getting high at 5:20 in the morning. Anyways, here’s “Down”:
Dollar Dogs collected on a $66 debt, forcing Team 2 Be Named L8er to lose 12-2
Rachel’s team fell on hard times this week, daddy. The eventual IL stint of Jacob deGrom didn’t help matters, she also fell victim to a massive Joey Gallo slump and most of her home runs were hit off the bench. Kaitlyn didn’t miss AJ Pollock one bit, because Aaron Judge spent all week terrorizing baseballs and children alike. His OPS was 1.973. Let that sink in.
BQE Gongshow forced Tommy Lasoda to do 69 bong rips, also won 8-4
This one was a blood bath, pound for pound. I used all 7 roster moves to stream pitchers and he still almost beat me in IP. PK fought me tooth and nail and actively talked shit the entire time. I was impressed. In all the years that I’ve been in the league, I’ve never seen the man more hungry. He deserved every goddamn point he earned. Just pure grit.
And in that regard, I’m sad that I wasn’t able to provide a more comprehensive roundup this week. You all fought your asses off and made the league a better place to be in. The amount of engagement brings a tear to my eye. To be fair, a lot of things are bringing a tear to my eye right now, as I’m just plain bleary-eyed.
Jeff Passan’s Blue Checkmark goes to all of you. You all kept your opponent on their toes and kicked tremendous amounts of ass.
The Deep Drive Into Right Field By Castellanos Award goes to me, for driving a half hour out of the way for a gas station that didn’t exist. I also made some really awful streaming decisions, because of course I did.
Don’t let my lameness get you down. Go back out there and give each other the business!