Day 234: At Least Buster Posey Has An Imposter Playing For Him [Beer League Roundup Week 5]

Well, that was…something. Much like my stomach every time I eat fried cheese, we had upsets galore last week. Actually, that’s a lie. We only had 2 upsets. I don’t want to start this off by lying to you. Let me try this again. Ahem.

Well, that was…something. Much like my kidneys every time I can’t find a bathroom, we had a couple of upsets.

There. That’s better.

On top of our pair of upsets, we had a shutout, a team’s first-ever win and no ties!!! Actually, there is a tie. It’s for first place. But since Yahoo thinks that Joe is cooler than Bryan [I have never met Bryan, but I guess Yahoo has], we finally have a new first place team! Welcome to the big league, Zook. Enjoy the giant target on your back. Or your new job at Target. Those are your only two choices. So, what else happened this week? Did Bruce Hooper finally get his groove back? Let’s talk about it.

BQE Bongshow cheefed O’O’O O’RLLY?, 8-5

Matt’s new team name also includes a Minion. Or maybe it’s Plankton from Spongebob. I don’t know. I don’t care. I’m not going to try to recreate it. Keep on changing your team name, Matt. See if I even bother with transcribing it. To answer my previous question, nope, Bruce Hooper still sucks. I guess getting hit in the face with a fastball does something to your vision, because he’s been swinging at nothing ever since. But who am I to razz Matt for picking a loser? My top 2 draft picks have spent most of the season on the IL.

Despite playing against Matt, who continually stepped on rakes, PK did pretty good this week. His philosophy of playing like it’s 2015 paid off yet again. He milked some monster weeks out of Andrew McCutchen and Brandon Belt, both of whom have had no business being on a fantasy team since the internet argued about the color of a dress. He led the league in home runs and it wasn’t even close. Matt had the best slash line in the league, thanks to some schmuck named Josh Rojas, who none of us have ever heard of and Matt only picked up because he shares the name of some sommelier that he knows. Slashing .444/1.222, he was the silver lining in Matt’s otherwise forgettable performance. It should also be noted that he had a total of 0 wins. I didn’t even think that was possible. I’ve always heard that wins are a dead and archaic stat, but yeesh. Maybe when he becomes Beer League champ in 2069, he can eliminate wins. Until then, yikes.

Batting Cages whacked around House of Brews, 8-4

In my years of playing in the Beer League, I’ve discovered that Bryan and Paul’s rivalry is much akin to the Cubs and Cardinals. It’s a storied rivalry, one that pre-dates me, they seemingly play each other 50 times a year, it’s always on ESPN and I have very little rooting interest. I don’t know these dudes. They both seem like upstanding people, but for all I know, Paul could be a serial killer and Bryan could hate jazz music. Just like my wife. So when they play each other every 3 weeks, I never know who to root for. One on side, you have a guy that employs a racist piece of cheating shit asshole and is okay with it because he slashes .364/1.036. That’s like working an unsavory job because it pays well. On the other side, you have a guy that employs a professed rodeo clown, Madison Bumgarner. Despite being a washed-up jerkface, he spun another gem last week, giving up 1 run over 6 with 7 strikeouts. So really, I have no reason to root for either of them. I can only root for a close match where everyone has fun.

Gus Polinski’s Hotdog Crown Chi boiled Team 2 Be Named L8er, 9-4

You can laugh all you want, Rachel would have beaten a good portion of you this week. Her loss was chalked up to Colin firing on all cylinders. And by firing on all cylinders, I mean he went full-on kamikaze and using all of his moves on pitcher streams. If you don’t care about your ERA and WHIP, you’re surely going to win innings pitched, strikeouts, GIDP and in most cases, wins. That’s basically sacrificing two stats to win 4. If it’s done properly, it’s nothing but profit. It also helped him that Buster Posey has been replaced by an imposter that’s younger, handsomer, better at baseball and knows how to play backgammon. He hit a spit-take worthy line of .636/1.896. How in the hell does that even happen?!? I mean, I guess that’s only out of 4 games, but still. It’s Buster fucking Posey! Until he falls back down to Earth, I’m calling him Buster Poser, because something is awfully fishy about him.

Elsewhere, there’s been a lot of free passes in Flushing and Rachel’s reaping the benefits. No, I’m not talking about the home plate seats she scored for free, although that WAS entirely fucking awesome. Michael Conforto and Pete Alonso each walked 8 times last week. That’s almost more than Paul’s entire team. Meanwhile, Colin’s Tiger homer-ism is doing more damage to his team. He dropped trade acquisition, Akil Baddoo, for fellow Tiger, Jeimer Candelario. Neither of them can hit the broad side of a barn. If your favorite team is in last place, it’s probably best to not employ their players. I’ll probably suffer the same fate in a couple of weeks.

Tommy Lasoda carbonated Cheese Whiz, 8-4

I had to spend all weekend with my fingers crossed. By Friday, I had an un-cushy 11-2 lead and no roster moves left. It was like preparing for a hurricane or waiting for Ohio election results. I had no choice but to board my windows, sit back and hope for minimal damage. It got way too close. I found myself watching Sunday Night Baseball with the Phillies playing the Braves. That’s how goddamn close it was. And neither of us did remarkably good or bad. Amanda led the league in RBIs, thanks to Teoscar Hernandez and Charlie Blackmon, who combined for 15 alone. I led the league in saves because my boy, Alex Reyes, got 3. I have to point out that his story is a crazy one. As a top prospect for the Cardinals, he debuted in 2016 and looked to have the stuff the be elite. On his first day at training camp in 2017, he tore up his elbow, resulting in Tommy John surgery. He came back the following May, pitched 4 scoreless innings and tore his right lat, requiring another surgery. We didn’t see him again until this year. He is finally at 100% and has transitioned into being one of the top closers in the league. After 5 years of false starts and heartbreak, the dude has his place in the sun. You love to see it.

Since I’m already gushing about players, I might as well keep doing it. From the moment that I showed Joe a highlight reel of some ridiculous Nippon League player, I knew I wanted Shohei Ohtani on my fantasy team. I bought his jersey the second he got signed and picked a number. And needless to say, the transition to American baseball has been a little rocky for the two-way player. But at this moment, he is totally healthy and completely dominating the game. This week was the first week that I got a real elite Ohtani line. He pitched 5 scoreless innings with 7 strikeouts. At the dish, he hit 2 bombs, 6 RBIs and slashed .368/1.271. The man has arrived and I could not be happier to own both his pitcher and batter variants. Thanks, Colin.

GERALD’S® FRAUDS shut out RBI’d 4 Her Pleasure, 11-0

This one was just plain ugly. Kelsey’s pitchers completely shit the bed. So much so that when she pulled back the sheets, there was puddles on the mattress. So Kelsey’s pitchers need a new mattress. Maybe they should talk to Isiah Kiner-Falefa, who has been an absolute sleeper this year. His reign of terror continues as the late-round pick has become the most sought-after catcher in the league. And with this decisive win, Joe now shares the throne at the top of the mountain. I’m pretty sure the last time he did that, Homer Bailey was pitching no-hitters. But don’t let his dominance fool you. He could have easily lost to your team last week. He led the league in only 2 stats, was middling in all the others and reaped the benefits of Kelsey stepping on a landmine. She might be the only team in fantasy history to have a pitcher throw a no-hitter and still get shut out.

Connecticut Rainbows upset Dollar Dogs, 7-5

I don’t know how this happened. The basement autodraft team upset the defending champ in a matchup that shocked the world. Sometimes it be like that. But man, did Kaitlyn try like hell to win this one. Her pitchers tossed a puke-inducing 99 strikeouts and 10 double plays. Her hitters also gave her a respectable slash-line. But just like the Dodgers are learning, you can’t win games if you don’t touch home plate. She was the worst in the league in runs, RBIs and Homers. Compound that with a couple of stalemates in wins and saves and you have Dave’s first win of the year. Could it be the start of a rise to the middle of the standings or just a lucky flash in the pan? Who knows. But it’s good to know that there’s no longer an automatic win in the league. We’re all being competitive and putting knives to each other’s throats. Just the way I always wanted. I’m proud of you guys!

Also, as I mentioned before, Rachel and I got really dank seats to the Mets game on Friday. Those seats also included complimentary food and soft drinks from any vendor we pleased. I ate three hot dogs. I should have had 10. As I bit into the wonder, greasy, grilled goodness, I realized something. Free hot dogs are way better than dollar dogs. But free hot dogs at a ballgame are as rare as a rainbow. So therefore…rainbows are better than dollar dogs. Was my musings a premonition of what was to come or am I drawing at straws? Neither would surprise me. Anyways, here’s Sussudio:

Jeff Passan’s Blue Check Mark goes to Matt, for picking up Wade Miley. On Friday night, the unsuspecting geezer tossed a no-hitter. But wait, Matt picked him up this morning. So that means a free agent threw a no-hitter. I’ll be damned.

So I guess the real award goes to Paul. He picked up both Adolis Garcia and Raimel Tapia. Neither of them have gone hitless since.

The Drive Into Deep Left Field By Castellanos Award goes to me, for benching DJ LeMahieu on Friday. I had a bad feeling about the guy. Instead, he went yard twice. That not only would’ve earned me an extra point, but it would’ve bumped me up to third place.

And that’s about it, fellow Beer Leaguers. Next weeks Roundup will probably come a day late, as I’ll be spending Monday on the road. Until then, remember to set your lineups, stay away from Patrick Corbin and if you see the real Buster Posey, tell him to get back to work!

– TeeCoZee