Day 231: I’d Rather Not Wear A T-Shirt Dress [Friday Thoughts W/ TeeCoZee]

Good Moleman. I’m seeing double, here! 64 slices of American Cheese! It’s Friday, May 7th, Two Thousand and Twenty-One. The weather in Long Island City is 62˚ & Pantone 17-5104 and somewhere, somebody is puttin’ on the Ritz. Somewhere else, somebody else is puttin’ on the Triscuit. Some other asshole is puttin’ on a Carr’s Water cracker. Someone else is just eating a sandwich. What they’re actually puttin’ doesn’t matter. It could be bologna, a nutty manchego, a fig spread, whatever the hell they want. But they better not be puttin’ peanut butter on a Finn Crisp. That’s just disgusting. And me? These days, I’ve been puttin’ on a Keebler Sesame Toasted. It looks European, but it’s American AF. The best of both continents. I also have some things on my mind.

– My backpack just won’t die. I’ve used it every day for well over 5 years and it looks entirely awful. But the pockets won’t give, the zippers won’t jam and the straps won’t wear out. I even replaced it once for aesthetic reasons, but the new one broke within months. No matter how much I use and abuse it, it won’t die. I’ve had a brand new one on deck for over a year now. But I refuse to use it until the old one is un-useable. No matter how thin the fabric is, it’s still waterproof. My water bottle spilled into it last week and I thought that was the death blow. But the next morning, it was dry as a bone. I feel like if I pre-maturely start using the new bag, the old bag is going to put a hex on it like it did the previous one. That’s right. My backpack is possessed. That’s the only explanation at this point. My fear of inanimate objects is legitimate. I can feel him watching me. Waiting. Plotting. Being a backpack. If anybody ever finds me dead and suffocated in an alleyway, just know that Herschel did it. Look for the zipper marks around my neck. Avenge me!

– Some companies don’t understand fat people. Uniqlo, for example, likes to pretend that fat people don’t exist. The difference between large and extra large is in length, not width. If double XL existed, I’m sure it would be the same case. This general sizing policy has been adopted by a lot of other companies. I always have to be careful when I’m buying clothes online. Sometimes, it works out. It comes out a normal ass T-Shirt and I don’t look like a Juggalo. Other times, I look like a Juggalo. But the other day, a third thing happened. Our Sami Zayn charity T-Shirts were made by American Apparel, a company that I thought went defunct ages ago. As soon as I saw the tag, I knew it wasn’t going to fit right. And while the shirt does a good job hiding the contours of my disgusting upper body, there’s still one little problem.

It’s a goddamn dress.

You would think that a company that prides in being American would understand that a very small amount of obese people are ridiculously tall. This was a thing back in the 90’s when the Tall Person Association of America lobbied for more fair representation in the T-Shirt industry and in turn, it became part of the fashion. But those times have changed and now long T-Shirts just make me feel like a slumber partying girl, waiting for a guacamole mask. And herein lies the problem. I always wear collared shirts over my tees. No matter which overshirt I choose, the tee is always going to go lower than it. I could tuck in the back and make it look like I have a wedgie. I could go full on Dad and tuck it in all the way. Or I guess I could…cuff it? Is that even a thing? Do I cut the bottom off completely and become a member of the J.O.B. Squad? Or do I just say screw it and wear it as a dress, pretending that the 90s are back?

Kids, don’t ever grow up to be a fat guy.

– Willy has had his fancy porcelain water fountain for over 4 months now. He still hasn’t figured out how to use it without shoving his face into the top and drowning himself, while kicking away water as if someone is forcing him under. In turn, I haven’t figured out how to not think I’m living in a waiting room every time the apartment is quiet. We all have problems.

– I find it weird to think that next week’s Thoughts [or singular Thought] is going to be written from a rest stop in Pennsylvania. Even though I have already driven to Michigan sine the start of the pandemic, I just find it wild and impossible that I’m actually going somewhere. Even if it’s just a couple of days. Slowly, we’re getting our normalcy back. And at this point, I feel like I earned it. I’m an adult. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go wipe the red popsicle stain out of my T-Shirt dress.

– Try this trick over the weekend: treat stains with warm water. Not cold or hot. Warm. It kind of works, I guess. Or you could just ask your mom. It’s Mothers Day weekend, she loves it when you come to her with mom shit!

Have a motherly weekend, everyone!

– TeeCoZee