Day 227: At Least AJ Pollock Proved To Be The Better Fish Man [Beer League Roundup Week 4]

Whazzup, Beer Leaguers. We’re coming off from a productive week for nearly every team. Somehow, nobody’s butt fell off. I don’t know how that happened, especially when I was using a Zack Wheeler voodoo doll, but it didn’t happen and now we have to live in a league where everybody has complete butts. Not only did we have two ties, almost every matchup was too close to call. Nobody took any major hits in the standings unless their first name started with the letter C. Luckily for Caitlyn, Celsey and Coe, that’s not their actual names and I’m just spelling them like an asshole! Which also means I have no reason to make fun of you. So get ready for 1000+ words of praise, Catt, because here’s the goddamn roundup!

BQE Bongshow ripped RBI’d 4 Her Pleasure, 8-6

I know I said I was going to be more positive this week, but these pitching staffs were really uneasy on the eyes. I was scrolling down PK’s stats and thought to myself, “man his pitchers really sucked”. And then I realized that he won a majority of those stats. Big fucking oofs all around. I don’t watch the Braves, but if anybody can tell me how Charlie Morton can pitch 10.2 innings, rack up 12 strikeouts and still have a 7.81 ERA, I’m all ears. Either he had two late implosions or Brian Snitker has given up on life. Neither would surprise me. I said it before, I’ll say it all season, Kelsey has a solid pitching staff. Unfortunately, while 4 of her starters spun proper gems, it was all clouded by the ill-advised streamings of Trevor Williams and Matt Shoemaker.

Offensively, PK was the one that was actually RBIed and it wasn’t for her pleasure. It was for his own pleasure. Because he’s a sicko. He had Manny Machado get 7 RBIs while batting .143. Meanwhile, Trea Turner batted 4.29 for him, hit two home runs…and only 2 RBIs. B A S E B A L L ! Kelsey abruptly ended the game of chicken I was having with Lourdes Gurriel Jr. She swooped in and grabbed him just at the right moment and he paid off, hitting .385/1.154 over the weekend and also giving her the decisive home run to break the tie. You love to see it, folks.

Cheese Whiz pasteurized Team 2 Be Named L8er, 8-4

Jose Ramirez, take a goddamn bow! He touched home 6 times, hit 4 dongers, grilled 8 ribeyes, took 4 free passes and slashed .400/1.620. If you take his stats out, the final score would literally be reversed. That’s how clutch he was in such a close matchup. Rachel’s pitching staff continued to dominate once again. She forced 10 double plays, which has to be some sort of record. After 74.2 innings, she hung onto a pristine 2.29 ERA and that’s with only one muted deGrom start under her belt. Offensively, Michael Conforto climbed down from his mountain of coke and realized that he wanted to earn a second mountain of coke, so he earned that second mountain of coke [.389/1.143] but when he went to go pick it up, the warehouse only had soda machines, which was when he realized that he had Googled “Fountain of Coke”, which led him to a distributer of Coke fountain machines, so now he has that in the clubhouse and it’s going to boost team morale by 6%. Ditto for Carson Kelly and David Peralta [.417/1.104 and .500/1.214 respectively], except they got RC Cola machines, because Arizona is fucking stupid.

House of Brews hopped all over the Connecticut Rainbows, 9-4

The Rainbows are getting there. Very slowly, Dave is devising an okay-ish pitching lineup. It’s way better than what was autodrafted, that’s for damn sure. Despite that, he’s still 11-42-3 on the season and still appears to be a total doormat, at no fault of his own. Anyways, here’s “One Night In Bangkok”

Dollar Dogs kissed sisters with US2 Onion Belters, 7-7

With the exception of Willians “Don’t call me ‘Williams’, call me ‘La Tortuga'” Astudillo, who he only used for a day, none of Matt’s batters broke .250. That’s probably because baseball is a game of karma and any asshole that’s bold enough to employ both Jose Altuve and Alex Bregman is going to burn in flames. I fully expect Cedric Mullins to go on the IL with back issues for carrying this sorry offense. Even if he doesn’t, he’s still Cedric Mullins. This should have been a blowout, but Kaitlyn had some uncharacteristic meltdowns in her pitching staff. Joe Musgrove, Ryan Yarbrough, Brandon Woodruff, Tyler Mahle, Kyle Hendricks and Aaron Nola all fell to Earth hard. I’ve been saying all season that Kaitlyn has the best pitching staff in the league, but after this week, Rachel’s is starting to look pretty damn good [especially now that she has gotten rid of Zack Wheeler, who somehow still has a butt but also plays like it]. Obviously, she can turn things around. But let’s be honest, were any of us actually expecting Joe Musgrove and Tyler Mahle to stay elite? Probably not.

Despite all of the negative things to say about Matt’s team this week, there is one positive. He took the apostrophe out of his name. Everybody give this dude a round of applesause!

Tommy Lasoda also tied with Batting Cages, 7-7

I was so excited for Dustin May. The dude was going to pitch on goddamn May Day! Obviously, he was going to pitch a 12 inning perfect game, because the Dodger’s offense has been shittier than Matt’s. And he did go 12 innings. You just have to add a decimal in the middle. And he only gave up a solo shot as his only hit. He also took himself out of the game with shooting pain in his elbow and after MRIs, it was determined that he probably needs Tommy John Surgery. Hah. Hahah. Hahahahahahahah. Love baseball. It’s great.

This week’s matchup was a whole range of emotions. I spent most of the week pancaking Bryan with a dump truck, but by Saturday afternoon, I was praying to the Baseball Gods for a tie. Sometimes, it do be like that. Steven Matz finally shot himself in the face, as did Edwin Díaz and Max Muncy‘s 7 walks doesn’t look all that appealing when he’s batting .053. Between having 5 pitchers with double-digit strikeouts and having the ballsy stream of Robbie Ray vs the Barves pay off, Bryan had the pitching stats on lockdown. Anybody who pitches 88 innings and has a sub-1.00 WHIP is probably having a good time. In speaking of a good time…

GERALD’S® FRAUDS broke Gus Polinskis Hot Dog Crown Chi’s fucking neck, put him in the camel clutch and made him humble, 11-2

I’m calling this one the Main Event just because it was so goddamn ridiculous. Take a look at Joe’s offense.

If I was to show you that list a month ago, you would not be able to tell me with a straight face, “Fuck yes, I want these guys on my team”. Literally nobody was upset when Joe drafted all of these guys. Nobody. A few of us would take Acuña, Baez or Vlad if they were the best options available. But that’s it. No flash, no megastars, just a team of some guys. Only two of these players are diamond on MLB The Show. This does not appear to be a viable fantasy team. And now…look at his stats:

HOW! THE! FUCK! DID! THAT! HAPPEN?!?

With the exception of Stolen Bases and Walks [which both Bryan and I beat on on, but nobody else did], he absolutely decimated the entire league. You have to go back to week 1 to find totals that beat his [it was me. I beat those totals]. This was a master class in sticking to your guns and having faith in your boys, even if it means that you have to watch Reds games to support them. For Colin, this was all just bad luck, as he could’ve beaten a lot of us this week. But he didn’t get to play against us. He had to face the 2015 Royals. And that’s why everything looks so lopsided.

With this scary performance, Joe has hoisted himself into 3rd place. But is it enough to win the Jeff Passan’s Blue Checkmark?

No.

Jeff Passan’s Blue Checkmark goes to Kaitlyn for having the gall to start AJ Pollock yesterday.

He’s a slumpy outfielder on a team that’s slumping hard. She might not have thought about benching him, but if she did, she has to be glad she didn’t. The Other Fish Man swam back to life, getting 8 RBIs off 2 homers in a total rout. I would also give a check mark to whoever owned Matt Beaty, who got 7 RBIs in that same game, but he’s 0% owned in Yahoo leagues. That includes us.

The Drive Into Deep Left Field By Castellanos Award goes to Kelsey, for playing Matt Shoemaker and then dropping him for Trevor Williams, who did just as bad.

In the end, she didn’t need the IP, Wins or Strikeouts from them. She actually needed them to not shit the bed or exist at all and she would’ve been the one toking on the Bongshow. Something something hindsight something. Oh well.

That’s it, leaguers. Have yourself a good week and stay the fuck away from Matt Beaty! He’s garbage!

…as I typed that, I got a notification that Matt picked up Beaty. Good job, Matt. He’s a really good player!

– TeeCoZee