Day 220: At Least CJ Cron Is Doing Something [Beer League Roundup Week 3]
Holy Jabroni, Beer Leaguers, that was a wild week! There was blowouts, upsets, nail biters, nail grinders, nail hoagies and even a tie game! So in other words, it was just like any other week. That’s why we play this game. Because this shit is fun! Right? RIGHT?!? Exactly. I news around the league, we actually failed to veto a trade! That’s right, folks. Because you were all too lazy on the reject button, Rachel traded away the Ace of Diamonds, Zack Wheeler, for Los Lonely Boys backup dancer, Adam Frazier. I’m not at all bitter that 4 of you rejected a much fairer trade for Wheeler. I’m also not grinding my teeth right now. Here’s the roundup of the games, you stupid jerks.
GERALD’S® FRAUDS defrauded Cheese Whiz, 9-5
The central divisions were on fire last week and Zook reaped all the benefits. In fact 6 of his starting 10 batters were in the AL/NL Central. Carlos Santana proved to the world that he is in fact still alive. He mashed 2 dingers for 7 Ribeyes. Meanwhile, Kris With A K Bryant didn’t see many K’s in his statline, as he slashed .368/.955. And if you’re asking yourself, “Who the fuck is Jessie Winker?”, you’re probably alone and will die alone because this guy is a goddamn star! Cincinnati’s finest non-chili export hit .412/1.406. Dayum. Joe also led the league in walks, as he was willing to start Matt Chapman all week, who batted .077 but got 6 free passes. Many would say that this was an upset, but if you look at the standings, it wasn’t. Amanda is Yankee-ing the fuck out right now. While she was one of the favorites going into the season, the week 2 shellacking at the hands of Patty and the Bong Rippers really set her back some. She’s definitely underperforming, considering her talent. Weeks from now, one of us poor suckers are going to underestimate her and then get completely blindsided. And I’ll say that I told you so. And you’ll say that you know. And then we’ll talk about darts.
Batting Cages fast-pitched Team 2 Be Named L8er, 11-1
This one was just plain brutal. Who would’ve thought that a washed up Rhys Hoskins, CJ Fuckin Cron and Racist Piece of Cheating Dogshit Asshole Fuckbag McGoo would out-homer Rachel’s entire lineup? Nobody. Becuase, really, CJ Cron?!? That dude had a week, slashing .563/1.776. I would’ve expected maybe .420/1.669, but not that! I mean, it’s CJ Cron! He was a jobber back when CJ Wilson existed. [Also, having two CJs on one team is the most Anaheim thing I’ve ever heard. I bet they played a mean hacky sack before church.] Despite having Jacob deGrom in one of the most masterful pitching performances of all time, Rachel’s staff just couldn’t stack up. Kyle Gibson, Marco Gonzales and Carlos Martinez were all screwed out of wins. Also, if the Dodgers didn’t blow a 7-1 lead last night, Emilio Pagán wouldn’t have pitched and Brian wouldn’t have won IP by a third of an inning. That’s two stats that could’ve been easily flipped. But this is a cold, cold game and now Rachel is teetering in 6th place, where she should probably hang for the rest of the season. 6th place is always a good place to be. You make the playoffs and catch everyone sleeping. But then again, it’s still April. I think.
Tommy Lasoda narrowly quenched the Connecticut Rainbows, 7-6
Dave might actually have a team on his hands. Maybe. It’s possible. Will he ever take Matt’s coveted 11th place spot? I don’t know. And frankly, I don’t want to know. The Rainbows could be a competitive team, or I could’ve just been having a bad week. Anyways, here’s Surrender:
GusPolinski’s Hotdog Crown Chi Lit Up the BQE Bongshow, 10-4
While this looks like a proper beatdown on paper, it really wasn’t. Both teams did totally atrocious. If Colin were facing the Rainbows, he would’ve lost 8-6. And this is a team that he actually drafted. Shame all around. SHAME. No player on either team did anything particularly special. The combined usage of Greg Holland, Kyle Schwarber, JA Happ and Didi Gregorious blew up in their faces in equal measures, proving finally that there are consequences to thinking the year is 2015. Oh wait, JA Happ did really well. Welp. My point is now out the window. Carry on.
House of Brews out-donged US2 Onion Belter’s, 10-4
He’s baaaaaaaaaaack! No, I’m not talking about Manny Ramirez [although considering that CJ Cron is relevant, he could be back any day now, be happy to be back and be here to play]. I’m talking about the new Face of Baseball™, Fernando Motherfucking Tatis Jr, baybeeeeee! I don’t even care that he made the Dodgers his bitch, it was just plain fun to watch. Fernando Tatis Sr is famous for two things: Creating Fernando Tatis Jr and hitting two grand slams in the same inning. On the anniversary of that feat, in the same exact stadium, Junior hit two home runs. They are now the only father-son duo to hit multiple home runs on the same calendar date. Not entertained yet? The next night, he hit two more home runs. He is now the only player not named Barry Bonds to hit multiple home runs at Dodger stadium on two consecutive days. Are you still not impressed?!? Sunday night, he hit yet another home run, making him the only visiting player to hit home runs on 3 consecutive days at Dodger Stadium. And he did all of them with infinite swag and style. The world is a better place with him hitting dongers all over it. I’m honestly glad that I don’t have to root against him again until the end of June. That was a long 7 games.
Back to fantasy, this was the matchup of the week. It was a bonafide nail ripper. Matt had Paul on the ropes all week long, only to have it fall apart at the zero hour. Aside from stolen bases, it was anybody’s ball game. They even tied in batting average with a nice .269. But that was broken down to Paul winning the category, .26886792 to .26865672, which wasn’t nice. Matt should probably call 1-800-VICTIM-2. Get the compensation he deserves. While he’s at it, he should also hire an editor for his team names. Why is there an apostrophe in “Onion Belter’s”? Is it supposed to be “US2 Onion Belter Is”? Do the Onion Belters own something? I mean, they own the onion belts, I guess.
RBI’d 4 Her Pleasure and Dollar Dogs TIE?!?!?
It may be very statistically likely this season, but I’m still befuddled every time a tie happens. And this one was nearly split between hitting and pitching. Kelsey lived up to her RBI moniker in every category besides walks [mainly because Aaron Judge got walk 8 friggin times] while Kaitlyn kept rolling with the best pitching staff in the league. Brandon Woodruff was entirely disgusting, pitching 12 innings with 15 strikeouts and one earned run in his two wins. Meanwhile, Lucas Giolito started Kelsey’s week horribly, pitching for one inning and coughing up 7 runs before 11:30 AM on Monday. She never fully recovered from that, so instead she ribbied herself into a tie.
Jeff Passan’s Blue Check Mark goes to Colin, for streaming JA Happ [7.1 IP, 1 W, 3 K, 0.00 ERA, 0.41 WHIP]
A close second goes to Joe for dropping the broken Patrick Corbin for Adam Frazier, who he immediately traded for Zack Wheeler. Sneaky bastard.
The Drive Into Deep Left Field By Castellanos Award is a tie between Rachel and I, who streamed Jake Odorizzi and Brett Anderson respectively
Neither of them made it out of the first inning. Just a total waste of a roster move.
That’s all I’ve got on the week. Make sure to stay away from Patrick Corbin and keep your eyes peeled for Manny Ramirez. He could be the next CJ Cron any day now…