Day 217: I’d Rather Use Mapquest [Friday Thoughts W/ TeeCoZee]

Good Moleman. Do you want your son to win the Nobel Prize or be a kickboxer? Can’t he be both, like the late Earl Warren? It’s Friday, April 23rd, Two Zero Two Uno. The weather in Astoria is 57˚ & Pantone 7983EE and somewhere, somebody is pondering the essence of existence. What does it mean to exist? If you are unnoticeable, do you exist? Is it all about perspective? Because to you, you may exist, but to others, you’ve never existed. They are pondering this while looking at their butt in the mirror. If it isn’t noticeable, does it exist? Is there a way to make it exist? Is it’s existence a good thing? And me? I don’t have a butt. It’s just the extension of my thighs as it connects to my lower back. I also have some things on my mind.

– I meant to get out of bed at 9:30 today. To do what, I have no idea. It just sounded like a good way to start a day off. Maybe drink some Mountain Dew on the balcony. Maybe drive and get a Taco Bell breakfast. Buy a newspaper for no reason and read it. You know, pretend to be a member of society. I’m so unaccustomed to being up and about before noon that I feel like there’s a whole sub-sector of my community that I’m not a part of. Nobody expects me to appear before noon. Actually, nobody expects me to appear at all. Instead of getting out of bed at 9:30, I napped in and out for two hours. In my waking time, I tried coming up with a parody of “The Thong Song”:

Ooh, that pipe’s looking scandalous
Got some crack residue up in it
That tightly rolled joint I can’t even hit
Something something something
Living La Vida Loca
She’s got kushy by the buds
Buds, Buds
Nuggs like what
What, what
Baby pack it up
Up, up
All night long
Let me smoke that bong

So yeah. Instead of becoming a functioning member of society, I wrote a song that was definitely plagiarized from 50,000 bored 13 year olds. Great job, Troy.

– You know what the best thing is about the Yankees being terrible? It’s that the Yankees are terrible. A close second is listening to Yankee fans complain while you smile from ear to ear. I had the pizza guy screaming at me earlier today not only about the team being terrible, but the fans overreacting. He was overreacting about fans overreacting, while also overreacting about the team. That’s the most Yankee shit I’ve ever heard. Same thing happened last weekend when a couple came into the store decked out in Ranger gear. I told them that going to the Garden beats the pants off of Yankee Stadium and the husband’s eyes bulged straight out of his head. The wife started going off in the thickest of Long Island accents about how awful the Yankees are, while the husband just stared at me in disbelief. I felt bad. Here, this dude spent hundreds of dollars to make his wife forget about the Yankees and I immediately ruin his serenity. And instead of doing damage control, I kept egging her on, mentioning specific blunders. When she walked out, she was still screaming, but then stopped for a second to softly say to her husband, “you know what? I like that guy”. It was the only thing that got me through the day. Baseball is great. But when the villains are losing, it’s somehow much better.

– Pro tip: If your cat drinks out of a fountain, make sure you clean that shit regularly. I failed to do that, because I’m a horrible stepdad. I took the base off and saw that the water underneath was jet black. Not only has he been using it to drink water, he’s apparently also washing his paws in it. So this whole time, he’s been drinking paw water, coated in a film of dirt and litter dust. Ugh. Fuck. Yeah, just clean your fountain regularly. Yikes.

– I love it when Waze forces me to take a route that I’m not familiar with, because there’s construction on the BQE. It has the foresight to make me take the FDR, but not enough foresight to tell me that the loop tunnel was closed. And then it had no idea where to send me for a detour. I just had to wing it. Thanks, Waze. You are the true definition of half-assing it. Next time I need directions, I’ll just screengrab some Mapquest.

– Try this trick over the weekend: Try to get somewhere using a paper map and compass. You know, like our parents claimed they did.

Have a directional weekend, everyone!

– TeeCoZee