Day 209: 487 Words About Washing Machines

Oh, hi. I’m having some stomach issues today, so I’m too preoccupied to come up with an original topic. Which means it’s time to write about a random object! So, a coworker chose the number 487 and thought of a washing machine. Here’s 487 words about washing machines.

I was afraid of the washing machine when I was a kid. I know that this comes as a shock to you, but it’s true. There wasn’t anything particularly nefarious or antagonistic about the machine [at least to my knowledge. It might’ve ran like shit, but I didn’t know anything about that. I was a kid. I had no reason to care]. Instead, movies and TV taught me to fear it.

Nothing screams “the early 90s” like an appliance going rouge. Whether it be a brave little toaster or the furnace in Home Alone, I was convinced that all appliances came to life when the lights went out. And if Look Who’s Talking Too taught me anything, even toilets come to life. This proved to be problematic in regards to our top-loading washing machine. I figured that the vacuum and can opener don’t have the capacity to talk, but if it had something that looked like a mouth, it was gonna talk it’s ass off and/or eat me.

It also didn’t help that a washing machine came to life in the cinema classic, Overboard. In a sequence that scarred me for years, the washing machine rumbled to the point that it started walking away from the wall. Then Goldie Hawn got a chainsaw and cut a scarecrows head off. It was a terrifying chain of events. Not only does an appliance come to life, but there’s instantly a loud chainsaw and a scarecrow. Fuck that. I couldn’t handle it.

So for the longest time, I had an irrational fear of the washing machine biting my hand off and walking away. I was also just generally afraid of Overboard, which didn’t bode well for me, as my Mom has a hardon for Kurt Russel [and I don’t blame her]. When I was finally taught to do laundry, I did so carefully, staring down the door and ready to escape as soon as it made a sudden movement. That movement never happened. I’m proud to say that I’ve never been eaten by a washing machine.

Years later, I was watching Halloween 6, another cinema classic. There’s a scene where a drunken stepdad goes to the basement to tend to a loud washing machine. For a brief moment, I was convinced that the machine was going to eat him. Especially when there was seemingly body parts in the washing machine. But no, Michael Myers came up from behind and made his head explode. Phew. Much better. That would’ve set me back a bit.

These days, I’m no longer afraid of washing machines. That’s probably because I no longer use top-loaders. Instead, my washing machines have windows, so I can always see what they’re up to. That was, until I discovered a crevice between the door and machine. It was hidden under some rubber. I stuck my hand in just to see what’s there…

…and I felt…


– TeeCoZee