Day 204: A Lazy Mark’s Guide To Wrestlemania [Wrasslin’ For Lunch]

Ah, yes. Wrestlemania. The Showcase of the Immortals. The Crown Jewel. The Show To End All Shows. The Spring Classic. The Megapowers Collide. Heat. Dx Raided. The Ragin’ Climax. What The World Is Watching. The Ultimate Challenge. You know, the Super Bowl of Wrasslin’. If you find yourself in a boredom-induced bind this weekend and you want to see what the hubbub is about, welcome. This will not be the best Wrestlemania of all time, but it sure as hell will be better than Wrestlemania IX. Before you do your yearly toe-dip into the waters of sports entertainment, there’s some things you should know first.

• It’s on Peacock this year. Don’t have Peacock? Hit up any thirtysomething white woman you know for a password. They surely bought it back in January to watch The Office and then forgot about it.
• Peacock sucks and they don’t believe in modern amenities. There will be no DVR function, so you will have to tune in at 8:00 sharp to watch the whole show.
• It’s two nights [tonight and tomorrow night at 8] This seems like a big commitment, but it’s better than a 7 hour slog.
• John Cena will not be there, as The Fiend teleported him to the void at the last Wrestlemania.
• You’re probably making a huge mistake.
• There’s a live crowd for the first time in over a year. This will make it interesting, as we’ll see how the fans really feel about the wrestlers that are supposed to be face/heel.

Now that we have that out of the way. Let’s glance over the matches. And when I say glance, I mean glance, because I’m half asleep and running out of writing time. Onward!

Night 1:

WWE Championship match: Bobby Lashley (c) vs. Drew McIntyre

This will be the most polarizing fan reaction to a match. While we are trained to accept that Lashers is a heel, we’re all still very happy for him and equally sick of Drew’s boring ass. This won’t be a full-on Cena crowd turn, but the announcers are certainly going to have to stay on their toes when describing the crowd’s reaction to the opening match. Rumor has it, Drew will probably squash him, Brock Lesnar will come back and they’ll have a squash Sunday night. It sounds stupid enough to happen.

Seth Rollins vs. Cesaro

This will be the best match of the weekend and it won’t even be close. They have such incredible ring chemistry that there’s no doubt in anyone’s mind that they’re going to burn the house down. However, the storyline that got us here is quite dumb. They’re basically having a match because Seth Rollins doesn’t like being spun around and Cesaro can’t resist spinning him every opportunity he gets. What? Exactly.

Steel Cage match: Braun Strowman vs. Shane McMahon

You thought that storyline was dumb? This one is worse. Shane McMahon conned himself into a Wrestlemania match by calling Braun Strowman stupid for 2 months. And even though Braun could pick any match he wanted, he chose a steel cage. Shane O’Mac cannot logically beat Braun Stroman unless the match has a stipulations where he can win by leaving the ring. What’s that called again? Oh yeah, it’s a steel cage match. Huh. Braun Strowman is kind of stupid.

Bad Bunny and Damian Priest vs. The Miz and John Morrison

You thought that storyline was stupid? This one is so stupid, I forgot why they even hate each other in the first place! In a nutshell, you have a world famous rapper with minimal training teaming up with a fresh NXT call-up. This is nothing but a cash grab, but it might turn out kind of good? Maybe?

Raw Tag Team Championship match: The New Day (c) vs. AJ Styles and Omos

Oh good. Another high-profile match featuring a guy that’s never wrestled before. Except this time, Omos isn’t a rapper, he’s just tall as fuck. But I have confidence that the other 3 can carry the match and make it something legible.

Tag Team Turmoil match: Lana and Naomi vs. Dana Brooke and Mandy Rose vs. The Riott Squad vs. Natalya and Tamina

There was a buildup for this. I swear. They did a whole thing on Smackdown last night. But I was on the balcony, smoking my pipe. And then the Empire State Building started flashing some purdy colors. By the time I looked at the TV again, it was balls-deep into a Skittles commercial. The winner of this match gets a tag title shot Sunday night. That is all.

SmackDown Women’s Championship match: Sasha Banks (c) vs. Bianca Belair

We’ve been waiting over a year for this and they rightfully made it the main event. You got the two [arguably] most talented women in sports ready and willing to tear each other apart. And they’re going to have a crowd absolutely losing their shit over it. Just thinking about it gives me goosebumps.

Night 2:

Women’s Tag Team Championship match: Nia Jax and Shayna Baszler (c) vs. winners of Night 1 tag team turmoil match

Please, please, please, for the love of God, take the titles away from them. When they won them, it seemed to be a temporary band-aid. They’ve been champs for 8 fucking months now. Just put them out of their misery and let them be free.

Sami Zayn (with Logan Paul) vs. Kevin Owens

I hope Logan Paul gets booed into oblivion. But it’s Florida, so he won’t. This one has had a long, yet lukewarm build-up and I don’t think it’s going to end Sami’s conspiracy theory angle. I think they both just needed something to do, so the match was made. If only the writers would have done that for Bayley…

United States Championship match: Riddle (c) vs. Sheamus

A rapist Jeff Spicoli goes toe-to-toe with a generic Irishman that gaslights alcoholics and frames them for attempted vehicular manslaughter. But the twist is that they’re both extremely talented and will put on an amazing match. There’s no heroes here, but we can at least hope that they sideline each other for the forseeable future.

Intercontinental Championship match: Big E (c) vs. Apollo Crews

As far as match quality, this will rival the US Title match. The only difference is that both Big E and Apollo Crews are great human beings that totally deserve the pushes they’re getting. I’d be happy with either result and you should, too.

Raw Women’s Tag Team Championship match: Asuka (c) vs. Rhea Ripley

I mean…this is going to be a good match. But Raw is so bad at building storylines, especially for women, that it’s hard to care about it going in. But once the bell rings, we’re all going to be at the edge of our seats.

The Fiend vs. Randy Orton

I watched the Firefly Funhouse Match for the 10th time last night. It still holds up. While I realize that this will be nothing like that, my expectations are unrealistically high. Now that there’s a live audience, I kind of wonder if it’s going to be a pre-recorded cinematic match. Doing it live will heavily de-value it. The whole arc of The Fiend and Alexa Bliss is as good as it is because of the pandemic. They were able to do tricks that will just not work live. This could either be a cinematic work of genius or be a farty squash. I’m praying for the former.

Universal Championship match: Roman Reigns (c) vs. Edge vs. Daniel Bryan

Roman Reigns are going to win. They’re not going to give the belt to Heel Edge and Daniel Bryan’s inclusion just reeks of Mick Foley in Wrestlemania 2000. As I’ve said before, Wrestlemania should always have a happy ending. This year doesn’t look to be the case. Unless…

Main Event: Ding-Dong Hello WSG Becky Lynch

Okay, it probably won’t go down like this. HOWEVER: Bayley has nothing to do. One of the last times she was on TV, she said that Ding-Dong Hello should be the WM Main Event. Becky Lynch is coming back. Her cryptic social media posts point to it happening Saturday Night. So let’s just imagine that the Sasha-Bianca match ends. The winner gets her time to celebrate. And then Bayley comes out, absolutely destroys her and rushes out a pair of chairs and a door to the ring. Impromptu episode of her talk show with her special guest, Becky Lynch. They disagree about something. They tussle. They have a match for the Night 2 main event. Think about it. If you’re going to have the heels win, you might as well populate both main events with the 4 best women in the company.

That’s never going to happen. I realize this. But a dude can dream.

So congratulations. You are now prepared to watch Wrestlemania. You won’t know what’s going on, but that doesn’t matter. What matter is that…uhh…I dunno. Do whatever, man.

– TeeCoZee