Day 203: I’d Rather Win A Lottery [Friday Thoughts W/ TeeCoZee]

Good Moleman. Gomer upsets Sergeant Carter…with sexy results. Ohh, I’ll never forget that episode. It’s Friday, April 9th, Twenty Ace Queen. The weather in Astoria is 52˚ & Pantone 16-3911 and somewhere, somebody is nodding in agreement. What they’re agreeing to, they have no idea. They wonder whats for lunch. Maybe steak. Eh, they should probably have a salad. Also, steak isn’t really a lunch item. But what about…a steak salad? Is that a thing? Did they just invent it? Could be a thousand dollar idea. Or maybe a five thousand dollar idea. Little do they realize is that they’re nodding to a lunch order for the whole office and they didn’t hear a thing. Looks like everyone is getting steak salads! And me? I’m more of a pork salad kind of guy. I also have some things on my mind.

– I rode a crowded 4 train the other day. It wasn’t at all pleasant. It’s funny how even though I’m totally vaccinated, I still got really nervous. And then it dawned on me, I always got anxious riding a crowded 4 train. That’s just a normal reaction even without a pandemic. Those trains are so small and the bodies get so sweaty. That shit is stressful as hell! If I lived off that line for the past year, I would probably never leave the house. I don’t understand how people can live like that.

– The general idea of stress causes me stress. Also, a lack of stress causes me stress. Yesterday, I had nothing to stress about. My life was care-free. So then I found reasons to be stressed. There’s currently nothing wrong with my body. So of course, I have now manifested heart palpitations. And now these phantom palpitations are doing their best to ruin my day and I don’t even think they’re actually happening in the first place. I know what a heart palpitation feels like. What I’m experiencing right now is not a heart palpitation. It’s the same sensation that I had last fall. Life was good, the Dodgers were advancing in the postseason, so of course I had to manifest something. And it did make me feel different because the fake palpitations were causing me anxiety, which made me feel generally awful every day. This went in a terrible cycle until Thanksgiving, when the palpitations came back and gave me so much anxiety that I had to lay down. Rachel laid with me and discovered that whatever bullshit my chest was doing was what her chest does 24/7. That it wasn’t heart palpitations, it’s just jiggly boob meat. In an instant, a months worth of mental anguish dissipated. And now it’s back for seemingly no reason. Rachel talked me off the ledge again, because she’s so fucking good at that. But it wasn’t until I typed out this paragraph that I felt totally normal again. Like a switch flipped. I think I just needed to type it out to see how fucking stupid it all sounds.

But that’s anxiety in a nutshell. It’s fucking stupid. Just like a killer doll. But you know what’s not stupid? When that killer doll is after you. Which is in it own right, really fucking stupid.

– I’m watching the Dodgers ring ceremony, trying really hard not to cry like a jackass. What I found weird is that the World Series Rings are made by Jostens. Sound familiar? It’s the same company that makes all the high school caps and gowns, along with class rings. I find it hard to believe that one company has a monopoly on athletic-merited jewelry. Also, Bronson Arroyo just played a cover of “Wonderwall” for Walker Buehler. God damnit. I guess I’m doing a list.

Top 5 Player Introductions:

5) Cal Ripken being a convincing Chris Taylor fan
4) Bronson Arroyo stoned out of his mind, playing guitar for Walker Buehler
3) Kyle Seager begrudgingly congratulating his brother
2) Ken Griffey doing a Joe Kelly impression
1) Ichiro told Edwin Rios in spanish, “I’ve never won a ring. Please give me your ring”.

Other great moments included: Seeing David Wright’s face, seeing Kershaw with his ring and the crowd booing Eric Garcetti as if he was the bastard lovechild of Rob Manfred and the Houston Astros. And yes, I’m now crying. Thanks, baseball.

– My lotto drawer yesterday had a negative balance of a dollar. Which in other words means that we gave out more winnings than we sold tickets. However, it’s a pain in the ass to transfer money from drawer to drawer, no matter how small it is. Not having to do all of that extra work when I was running out of time was worth a dollar out of my wallet. So I haphazardly made a 50/50 box [which is a 50 cent bet for the numbers in a row and a 50 cent bet for the numbers in any order] for 1 9 1 9. Because, 19, duh.


I won a lottery. I didn’t win the lottery, but I won a lottery. The winnings weren’t big enough to file on my taxes, but definitely big enough to piss off the cashier. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw that the numbers last night were 9 1 9 1. I would say, “what are the odds”, but the odds are clearly 1:10,000. That 50 cent bet garnered me $400 cash. I am now medium-rich. I’m not rich enough to buy a pool, but I’m rich enough to get properly drunk at somebody else’s pool. I’m not rich enough to buy season tickets, but I’m rich enough to buy good tickets to one game. I’m not Mercedes rich, but I could definitely buy a Pontiac off the side of the road.

– Try this trick over the weekend: win a lottery. Buy yourself a Mercury Tracer. You deserve it!

Have a luxurious and sporty weekend, everyone!

– TeeCoZee