Day 196: I’d Rather Play Croquet On My Balcony [Friday Thoughts W/ TeeCoZee]

Good Moleman. Thousands and thousands of people saw your pretzels injuring Jeremy Irons. You can call them, “Jeremy Irons”! It’s Friday, April 2nd, Twenty-Twone. The weather in Long Island City is 33˚ [FUCK] & Pantone 14-4103 and somewhere, somebody’s dealing with a sore neck. They can kind of move it to the right, but definitely not to the left. This doesn’t bode well, as their job requires neck movement, much like most everyday tasks. At this point they have two options: they can continue to swivel their whole body until the end of eternity or find one of those spinny chairs. Little do they know, there’s a whole bay of unused Segways that they could be using. And me? I prefer not to sleep with my head down and legs against the wall. You can get hurt that way. I also have some things on my mind.

– I watched a total of ~10 hours of baseball yesterday. While this may seem like a fruitless endeavor, I learned a thing or two. Here’s the Top 5 Things I Learned Yesterday:

5) More baseball should be played in the snow
4) If you’re going to watch baseball all day, you better make sure you have a full package of Red Vines
3) Booing the Astros doesn’t help in making them lose
2) Bally is taking over the goddamn world
1) If you hit the ball and outrun a baserunner, you are automatically out. Even if it’s a home run.

Well that was fun. Cody Bellinger hits a home run, but Justin Turner thinks the ball was caught, so he runs back to first base. In effect, it is no longer a home run, it’s an RBI single. This is somehow despite the fact that Justin Turner never ran the bases. But he touched home? So maybe it counts? I don’t know. BASEBALL!!!

– In speaking of being confused, we got a floor mirror earlier this week and Willy still doesn’t know what to think of it. He keeps attacking his own reflection, as if he doesn’t recognize it. This worries me. That mirror is not at all stable. The second he runs into it too hard, it’s going to topple. Not only will he spend one of his lives, he’s also gonna have bad luck for the rest of them. I don’t know what he plans to achieve by clawing at his own reflection. Maybe he also saw the Rugrats episode with the Mirror Land. Maybe he thinks it’s some reverse-entity that must be destroyed. Or maybe he straight up doesn’t know what he looks like and the reality is blowing his mind. Or maybe, just maybe, he wants to see the world burn. None of these would surprise me.

– Random conversation I had with Rachel:

T: “Are you giving me the cold shoulder?”

R: “No, my shoulder was hot and I wanted to cool it off…”

– This weather is making me all sorts of sad. There I was, in the thick of the warm Spring weather. Just basking on the balcony every opportunity I had. Hell, even Willy was coming out to join me. But then it was windy all week. When it wasn’t windy, it was rainy. And now we’re back to freezing temperatures. The life of luxury that I thought I had has suddenly vanished. Now the balcony is a cold stranger to me. I still sit out there, shivering, miserable and unable to move on with my life. Willy doesn’t even go outside anymore. He just stands in the open doorway, confused as to why I’m even out there. Scared that I’m losing my mind. It just goes to show that when you have something good, you don’t wanna let go. I’d rather not ignore my balcony. I’m going to be sitting out there all winter long, freezing to death, clutching a portable TV. If I’m gonna go out, I might as well do it on a balcony [but not off the balcony].

– Remember croquet? Whatever happened to that? Does it even exist? Is there such a thing as public courses? Why did I spend my childhood playing it without ever knowing the rules? Oh right. Because there’s colorful balls and cool mallets. That’s why. Upon further research, the only place to publicly play Croquet is if I joined the New York Croquet Club. And that’s according to an article written in 2004. So I guess the sport is completely dead. Which is a shame, because it was a really stupid sport that nobody liked or understood. So I guess the only answer is to set up a croquet course on the balcony. It’ll be incredibly cumbersome, small and people will definitely get hurt. Just like real croquet. I think.

– Try this trick over the weekend: bring back Jacks. You know, the other game that every kid played but never understood.

Have a twosies weekend, everyone!

– TeeCoZee