Day 195: Some Random Thoughts On Opening Day

April is generally a shitty month. For all intents and purposes, it can burn in hell. The only silver lining in this cloudy ass month is the remote possibility of Open Day landing on this page of the calendar. And today is that wonderful day. I’m going to have multiple wardrobe changes. I’m gonna eat Red Vines. I’m going to automatically delete all of my emails. Because for the next 6 hours, I’m going to watch two baseball games at the same time. Just like any self-respecting American would strive to do. And I’m going to spew out some streams of consciousness in the process. BASEBALL!

– Note that I said 6 hours instead of 12. This is because there’s no longer a 7:00 game. The Nationals, in their infinite wisdom, decided that Covid protocols are for stupid babies. They went out and got infected, postponing the game against the Mets and possibly the whole series. Also, ESPN and Major League Baseball, in their infinite wisdom, decided to make the Mets-Nats game to be the only 7:00 game. So now there’s going to be 3 hours of nothing. Season is off to a hot start!

– Watching baseball in the snow is difficult. It’s really cold, snowy and your screen keeps getting wet. Watching snowy baseball games is also difficult. Whenever there’s contact on the ball, suddenly there are 40 other balls flying around and it’s impossible to discern which one is real.

– It also appears that playing baseball in the snow is difficult. Just ask Miguel Cabrera:

He hit himself a home run but had no idea what was going on, so he slid into second. I guess it’s better to be safe than out.

– It appears that Fox Sports Detroit changed their logo to a B. I joked to a brick wall that it’s sponsored by Bally Total Fitness. My jaw fell off when I looked it up and realized that it was, in fact, renamed Bally Sports Detroit. So that’s cool, a sports network owned by a gym. Makes sense. Turns out, it’s actually named after Bally Casinos and Sportsbooks, which sadly makes even more sense. Further down the rabbit hole, it turns out that the casino and gym chains are actually the same company. So wow. What a totally appropriate corporate sponsor for a sports network. And it’s still a much better name than YES.

– The game is on mute, and ESPN is already pissing me off.

There is an actual game going on. And it only gets 30% of the screen. Come on!

– Even though they haven’t changed their name yet, it feels really weird calling them the Cleveland Indians. It’s like calling your significant other by name to their face. It just doesn’t feel right.

– I have to say, it was really damn refreshing to see Gerrit Cole struggling. Also, when he was first signed, I couldn’t imagine him as a Yankee. And now, after a year, his face has grown to epitomize a Bronx Curmudgeon.

That’s one of the highest paid players in baseball, slowly morphing into Robert De Niro. As Rachel would say, “If the pinstripes fit…”

– The first two home runs of the season were from Miggy and Gary Sanchez, so I guess it’s 2016 again. Great. That was actually a good year for me.

– Judging from how empty Yankee Stadium is, I’m chomping at the bit to get there on Sunday. I’m gonna have all the legroom in the world. Any hecklers will be too far away to accurately throw peanuts. Living my best life.

– Judging from how maskless Comerica Park is, I’m not at all chomping at the bit to get back to Michigan next month. I’m gonna have all sorts of people breathing on me. Any infected people aren’t going to care that their nose is hanging out. Living my worst life.

– It feels weird starting the season without a monkey on your back. As much as I would love to see the Dodgers go back-to-back, I feel much less stress and urgency. The Dodgers could lose today and I wouldn’t even care.

Actually, no, that’s a total fucking lie.

They better win and they better do it handily. Inject blowout Dodger victories into my veins!!!

– It may be a bummer that the Mets don’t get to play on opening day. But at least there was a fun press conference with their generational shortstop that they just locked down for the next decade. It’s not as awesome as lighting up Max Scherzer, but it’s still pretty fucking awesome.

– It’s only been 5 years since the Cleveland Baseball Team was in the World Series. Today, there are only two of those players left on the 40 man roster. The franchise was completely gutted from the inside-out. By comparison, the 2013 Cardinals have 4 players left. So do the 2015 Mets. The 2017 Dodgers have 10. Just because you lost the World Series doesn’t mean you have to burn the house down.

– I could look up random stats and complain about ESPN until my thumbs fall off. But alas, I’d rather just watch baseball. Which I’m going to do. For a very, very long time.

Enjoy the games, everyone!

– TeeCoZee