Day 187: The Essence Of A Long Stretch
You’ve got a long stretch coming. Or at least that’s what I hear. Who did I hear it from? Doesn’t matter. But you certainly have a long stretch coming. It could mean a lot of things. It could be good or bad, exciting or boring, lovely or so grotesque that you don’t ever want to hear the word “stretch” ever again, let alone go to Applebees. But one thing is for sure is that the long stretch is coming and it can’t be denied. Or at least I wouldn’t recommend that you deny it, as it could make the whole universe fluctuate or you just would never get anything done ever. Some long stretches include but are not limited to:
– The long stretch of highway. You’ve been driving in a straight line for hours and you ran out of Boz Scaggs tapes. But you have to carry on, as every long stretch has a destination and you’ve already invested so much time. Also, there’s a free dinner at the end of the highway. Take the tuna noodle casserole and run.
– A long stretch of work. This could be a double shift, the end of a long vacation or a bunch of work days in a row as punishment for getting an inordinate amount of weekdays off. They might all be spent with that asshole, Lucas. But you must persevere, because a long stretch of work is far better than a long stretch of unemployment line. Also, you have opening day off, so that’s cool.
– You have a long stretch when you get out of bed. You might not notice it, but it’s also very good, necessary and most definitely in your future. It’s important to keep your bones and muscles spry and the long stretch ensures that it happens. Thank you, long stretch! You can even mix up your long stretch to make it more entertaining. For example, on my long stretches, I like to impersonate Taz’s exaggerated Brooklyn accent from when he feuded with Jerry Lawler in 2000. When I get out of bed, I utter, “Ayyyyyyyyy Lawwwwwleeerrrrrrr” and it reminds me of good times.
– The Long Stretch could be the name of a person. He might be a friend, enemy or a drug dealer that you’ve never met. But he’s coming. Trust me. Whether you like it or not. Might be best to put on a pot of coffee.
– It could be a date that you don’t want to end, despite how bored the other person may appear. So you keep suggesting new things to do or making up excuses to make the outing last longer.
– When your cat makes his/her long stretch and it’s insufferably cute. It’s almost impossible for the cat to do anything cuter than when they tap their fluffy paws onto the floor and get into a sprinters position. Aww. Say it with me now: “That’s a good stretch!”.
– The Long Stretch could also be the name of a really crappy wrestling move. While it’s very poorly executed, it’s helpful in telegraphing where the match is going and how long you can go to the bathroom for before you potentially miss something. I always put away dishes and wipe off the counter during The Long Stretch, but you do you.
– It could be a really elaborate lie that you’ve been cooking up for years. Your Dad works at Nintendo. Your girlfriend is Canadian. You met Bruce Springsteen at a Wawa and gave him the idea for “Born In The USA”. Whatever story you want to tell is your story. That’s all that’s important. Go ahead and test your big stretch on some unsuspecting strangers. You may be a sociopath, but at least you can spin a good yarn. Everyone loves a yarn spinner, right?
Long stretches are a common occurrence in life and the quicker you accept them, the more pleasant life will be. So next time you’re standing in a long stretch of a line to get the new Stretch Armstrong toy, remember you stretch your muscles, pay attention to your work calendar, chat up other people in line with a tall tale about your friend named Long Stretch who invented the wrestling move of the same name and suddenly, time will pass quickly, making the long drive worth it! Even your ex girlfriend will be impressed! Long stretches. They’re everywhere. They’re everything. They’re life in a nutshell.