Day 160: Top 5 Chickens

If there’s anything I love more than the sound of a betting slip being dispensed out of a machine, it’s being controversial. I know for a fact that you all come to BFD for my scandalous hot takes and political innuendo. But today, I’m feeling extra frisky and I just want to watch the world burn. I’ve decided to write a list that’ll be so heavily contested that I’m going to turn off comments. I will not be held responsible for any broken homes and ended friendships this may cause.

But the score must be settled.

Top 5 Chickens Of All Time

5) Little

4) The one that sat in the center of the toy capsule dispenser

3) Camilla

2) Whomever crossed the road

1) Sheldon

Foghorn Leghorn can burn in hell!!!!

But seriously, tho.

Top 5 Chickens

5) Buffalo

I’ve always had a love/hate/burn in hell relationship with Buffalo chicken. While I love the flavor, I’m also a huge wimp, so I only like it in moderation. I’m also bothered by the fact that I’m a really messy eater. Buffalo wings need to be consumed preferably in a dark sound-proof closet with a roll of paper towels and preferably a shower. Also, Buffalo Wings feel like a huge swindle. There’s hardly any meat on them shits and you’re paying a premium price! It’s the pistachio of the meat world. I may have a lot of hate for Buffalo chicken, but when it’s in moderation and in a medium that I’m comfortable with, it’s almost perfect.

4) Parm

What isn’t to love about chicken parm, other than the fact that autocorrect wants me to call it “chicken park”?!? Nothing. It’s breaded and covered in mozzarella. Just like everything in life should be. This is only so high on the list because bad chicken parm is awful. Also, one time I got way too high at Ben Darcie’s dinner party and couldn’t figure out how to eat chicken parm, so instead I had to play it off like I was full. I was not full. I was stoned and starving. And I had 15 people staring at me. Chicken shouldn’t cause me that much anxiety.

3) Tenders

It’s the ultimate portable chicken! You never look like an asshole eating it and you can do it anywhere, any time. You can eat it while driving, fucking or solving math equations! It’s more accessible than pizza on a bagel! Most chicken requires work and a certain amount of tact. Chicken tenders do all the thinking for you! Except much like chicken parm, some tenders are totally inedible and cause you to hide from them for months at a time. Or they cause you to choke, which is just as bad. They also seem to get cold easily, which is weird.

2) Sando

Everybody loves a chicken sando. It’s the biggest crowd pleaser since oxygen! It doesn’t matter what’s on it, it’s still gonna be a chicken sando and you’re gonna love it. You can even put chickens 5-3 on it and it’d be delicious. There are so many ways to make a chicken sando and none of them are wrong (unless there’s bones. Please make my sando boneless). Even if it’s messy, you’re still gonna have a good time. And even bad ones are still edible. The only reason why Sandos aren’t number 1 is because of the existence of…

1) Drumsticks

Go ahead. Fight me. I’ll wait.

There’s nothing in the world more satisfying than biting into a chicken leg. You feel like a goddamn king! You’re literally taking the leg of an animal and eating it. You don’t do that with other chicken formats. When I eat chicken breast, I don’t think about the chicken’s succulent knockers. When I eat nuggs, I don’t think about the mystery parts it came from. Same with thighs and wings. With chicken legs, you feel like the alpha predator, as you should feel. You’re a human goddamn being! You ain’t no chicken! Go ahead and use its bones as leverage as you devour their leg. That’s what it’s there for!

The meat is always succulent, it’s portable, clean and you look cool eating it. It’s everything I could ever want out of chicken, so therefore, it is the best chicken!

Any other opinions are invalid. The Coze has spoken.

– TeeCoZee