Day 143: I Just Wanted An Excuse To Make A Meme Or Two [Super Bowl LV Roundup I Guess]

Let’s just cut to the chase. I’m not even going to bullshit you for a second. I didn’t actually watch the Super Bowl. I turned it on my phone with no sound for the last drive of the first half. I thought maybe the Chiefs would have a chance, but then this pass interference call happened.

Give me a friggin break. That wasn’t anything close to pass interference. How are the refs still making calls like this in the biggest game of the year? If that’s the case, then there is a clear-cut way to win at football: throw a bomb every time. The second the potential receiver feels the defended touch him in any way, they trip and fall. Pass interference every time. You can’t lose!

All jokes aside, it was definitely pass interference. It’s clear as day that the defender touched the receiver’s butt. The receiver did not consent to that and was frankly an equal mix of flattered and distracted, to the point that he wasn’t able to make the catch. The defender should have known better! Instead of watching the rest of the drive [I’m guessing they scored a touchdown after that], I went ahead and made a meme, just to feel like I was part of the island of relevancy that was Super Bowl viewing.

The tweet got one like. Mission accomplished. I didn’t even turn on the game after that. There wasn’t much more to see. Tom Brady moonwalked into the sunset, knowing damn well that his sun would rise again tomorrow and there was nothing we could do about it.

I didn’t even do my normal Super Bowl routine this year: quizzing whether or not the people preparing to watch the game even knew anything about the teams playing and asking them why they want to waste their time on a 4 hour match of mediocre football. This time around, I couldn’t even tell you who was on each team outside of quarterbacks, rapists and former 24/7 champions. I didn’t even want to know. I couldn’t muster any energy for the game, I just let it happen without me. There was literally no way you could make me care about the matchup. It’s Tom Brady against the defending champs. Nobody wants to see that and yet, millions did it anyway.

The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl, I felt a wave of relief. I figured that Tom Brady would hang up his hat and call it quit, satisfied with 6 rings. But then he didn’t go away. He came back again and again. I knew going in that no matter the result of the game yesterday, Tom wouldn’t retire. Because if there’s anything that God hates more than football, it’s people who like football. And until this stain is gone, I just can’t find the sport enjoyable. He’s the athletic equivalent of wearing your mask under your nose: it’s annoying as fuck, everyone you talk to also hates it, yet it’s still everywhere you look and you’re powerless against it. And he even said it himself, that they’re gonna win another one next year. The groundhog saw his shadow. We have 6 more eternities with Tom and somehow, some mouth breathers will still miss him when he’s gone.

Nobody’s going to remember this Super Bowl. From what I heard, it was a boring slog of nothingness. So in other words, it was just like every Super Bowl. The only thing that people are going to remember is The Weeknd Memes that have already gotten stale. And I’ll remember Super Bowl LV because it was the year I got to make this meme:

Get it? It’s LV. The sweaty dude from “Gangstas Paradise”. Haha. It’s funny. I’m very good at memes.

Whether we care or not, Super Bowl Sunday is still a gateway holiday. It leads to better things. You may not care for Thanksgiving, but it’s the start of the Christmas season. You may not care about football, but Super Bowl Sunday is the sign that we are on the home stretch. We are now on the last leg of Winter and Spring is waving us over, offering us crappy lemonade. Pitchers and catchers meet in one week. There’ll be exhibition games soon after that. Your vaccine is coming soon. It’s going to be warm again eventually. If there’s one thing that the passing of the Super Bowl gives us, it’s hope. The game is a reminder of everything we hate about winter: crappy sports and being cooped up in a house. Now that we’re in Life After Football, things feel much less bleak. And that’s not a bad thing. That’s a good thing!

– TeeCoZee