Day 133: I’d Rather Stop Using Soy Sauce Packets [Friday Thought W/ TeeCoZee]

Good Moleman. An unrelated article within the banner headline? Yes. May I see it? No. It’s Friday, January 29th, Twenty Twenty Two Minus One. The weather in Astoria is 20˚ & Pantone 2975C and somewhere, somebody is trying to spray paint for the first time. It looks so easy on TV, but once you’re facing that brick wall, it’s quite difficult. It’s hard to maintain control and it typically looks a lot better when you have multiple colors instead of just lime green. But they have to work with what they have and what they have isn’t much. Little do they know, there is no “Y” in “Carpe Diem”. And me? I’m just impressed that they followed I before E except after C. I also have a thing on my mind…

– I’ve been eating a lot of sushi lately because it’s a long story that you don’t want to hear about. Part of knowing that I’m balls deep into my thirties is accepting the fact that I need soy sauce much more frequently. As a teen and twentysomething, I scoffed at the notion that I would ever need it to add flavor to my sushi. Father time has humbled me and my tastebuds just aren’t what they used to be. Like a boring ass phony, I can no longer eat sushi without soy sauce. I know. I’m disappointed in myself, too. I’ve already traded in my mini golf punch card for an AARP Membership. Put a fork in me. I’m an old fogie that deserves to be stabbed with a fork.

Despite accepting my fate, there’s still a problem that I have with soy sauce. And it’s a problem that I feel like isn’t unique to me but probably is. I can’t open a packet of soy sauce without making a mess. Much like George Costanza opening a condom, I can never rip the packet quick enough. There’s just too much give in them. This isn’t a problem with other condiments, because they have a much different viscosity. They shouldn’t use the same material for packets that house pure liquid. It just seems cruel. I get halfway through the rip and most of the sauce has already vacated. Whether it lands on the sushi itself or the table is up to random chance. There’s no predicting which way it’s going to squirt.

Usually, my move is to give up ripping as soon as the first drop lands on a surface. This seems to be the most efficient method, but it still makes a mess. The torn plastic flap will sway in any random direction and the sauce is going with it. It functions as a flimsy spout and the sauce dribbles everywhere. If I actually stick to my guns and rip the corner completely off, the packet is basically empty when it’s over, leaving 7 pieces of the roll dry and one swimming in a vat of sodium. Not ideal. And it doesn’t seem to matter which direction the packet is tilted when I rip. If it’s facing downwards, it’s guaranteed to flood. If I stand it upwards, it creates an uncontrollable fountain that usually gets on my glasses, which makes me feel uncomfortably pornographic. And to the sides, I’m either squirting the wall or myself. There is no safe direction to open a soy sauce packet. No matter what I try, there’s going to be a mess and the sauce is never going to be evenly distributed.

But like I said, this is probably a problem that is unique to me. There’s definitely some trick to it that my old man hands can’t comprehend. I’m too stubborn to just buy a bottle of soy sauce for personal use, because the packets are free, damnit! But I think it’s about time to take the plunge. I can’t keep fooling myself and wasting more and more napkins. Bottles cost money for a reason. They’re for fools like me that can’t open things. I might as well accept my fate. If you need me, I’ll be in my rocking chair, playing Digital Solitaire and complaining about Jimmy Carter.

– Try this trick over the weekend: Open a packet of soy sauce without making a mess. Congratulations. You’re better than me.

Have a tactical weekend, everyone!

– TeeCoZee