Day 118: One Terrible Tip That Your Grocer Doesn’t Want You To Know About!

Let’s face it, groceries are getting way too expensive these days. A can of black beans can cost you $2.79. In this economy? I don’t think so. Feel like chicken tonight? Better take out a loan or else it’s gonna be deep fried gizzards. Feel like treating yourself? Might I suggest a $6.99 box of Corn Flakes. Their exquisitness almost outweighs the nostalgia. Unless you plan on eating boiled onions for dinner, you’re gonna end up breaking the bank at the grocery store.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. No. Even in 2021, there are things that you can still do to take charge of your grocery bill. It doesn’t involve clipping coupons or ringing everything up as bananas at the self-checkout. This is actually legal, convenient and you’ll wonder why you never thought of it. It’s not about how you go to the grocery store, but when you go to the grocery store. They say to never go to the grocery store when you’re hungry. Naturally, you’re going to buy more stuff as you fantasize about all the tasty, tasty foodstuffs. But you also shouldn’t stuff your face before going, either. Being full costs money, lots of money. And you’re trying to save money. As a grocer, whose livelihood relies on you spending money, I really shouldn’t be telling you this. But here goes nothing:

Only go to the grocery store when you have a toothache.

I know, I know. It’s totally genius and you’re mad that you didn’t come up with it first. Go into the store with a throbbing tooth and you’ll save big money! As you walk through the aisles, you’re no longer thinking about how good the food is. You’re thinking about how much it hurts. Pistachios are expensive and painful. You’ll never want them again! If the price of steak doesn’t detract you, its chewiness will! Ice cream? Fuck no, ow, why would you even want to walk through the frozen aisle?!?

I know what you’re thinking. “But Coze, I don’t have a toothache!”. Well maybe you should get one, dummy! I recommend eating sugar sandwiches. Or you could go old school and punch yourself in the face. You could also play the long game and just stop brushing your teeth for a few weeks. There’s a million ways to make your teeth hurt and most of them are cheap or free. Whichever method you choose, they’ll all have the same results at the grocery store. Take it from me. I tried the method today and couldn’t bear to think about food! But I bought a lot of bevs. A whole smorgasbord of bevs. And at the end of it all, I only spent…

56 BUCKS ON BEVS?!?!?!? AHHHH CRAP!

Okay, maybe having a toothache doesn’t help you save money. Don’t try it. It just hurts.

– TeeCoZee