Day 107: Because I Bought Cream Cheese In The Dark [Top 5 Top 5 Sunday]

I should’ve been writing this much later in the day. Like 10-15 minutes later. But instead, here I am, clacking away like a dumb dummy that’s not smart. All because my breakfast was ruined…by myself. I should be eating a delicious bagel right now, but instead I’m writing about how it went wrong. It all started last night, when I decided that I wanted a bagel for breakfast. This was after the store closed and half of the lights were already off. Afraid of ghosts and things that go bump in the night, I quickly grabbed a whipped scallion cream cheese and made my purchase. If I had paid more attention, I would’ve noticed that it looked watery, which should not happen to whipped cream cheese. All night, I was dreaming about the delicious onion bagel waiting for me on the counter. I could smell it through the packaging. This would be a breakfast to remember. Little did I know, I was totally right. I leapt out of bed this morning, cut the bagel and spread the cream cheese. Nothing seemed amiss until my tongue touched the cream cheese. Rancid, sour, day-ruining. Sadly, my bagel went straight to the trash. Now I have to write the weekly lists with an empty stomach and a broken heart. But the lists must be listed, damnit!

5) Top 5 Bagels

5) Onion
4) Sesame
3) Plain
2) Poppyseed
1) Everything

Fuck your pumpernickel and double-fuck your gross ass cinnamon raisin.

4) Top 5 Cream Cheeses

5) Regular
4) Garden vegetable
3) Salmon & onion
2) Plain whipped
1) Whipped scallion

You know what’s not on the list? The watery, tasteless bodega bullshit that they slather by the half pound because they just need to get rid of it.

3) Top 5 Stupid Things You Can Do To A Bagel

5) Putting cold cuts on it and pretending it’s a sandwich
4) Freezing them
3) Buying them in New Jersey
2) Toasting them
1) Spreading rotten cream cheese on them

You’re going to disagree with number 2, but I’m putting my foot down. Why would you want to take something so perfect and make it dry, crumbly and more annoying to eat?!? Toast is for suckers.

2) Top 5 Breakfasts I Wish I Could Eat Right Now

5) Pastrami, egg and cheese
4) Steak and eggs over easy
3) Corned beef hash
2) McDonald’s Steak, Egg & Cheese Bagel
1) Onion bagel with whipped scallion cream cheese

I don’t think I’ll ever forgive McDonalds for getting rid of the Steak, Egg & Cheese Bagel. It was downright perfect and it’s discontinuation is a slap in the face for all of my years of loyal patronage.

1) Top 5 New Pictures In My Camera Roll






In case you’re wondering, #1 is a banana pudding donut. And yes, it was amazing. Wow. Even two of the pictures were about breakfast. Something’s definitely wrong with me.

Have a breakfasty week, everyone!

– TeeCoZee