Day 098: I’d Rather Not Blame The Parents [Christmas Thought W/ TeeCoZee]

Good Moleman. Gavin, don’t you already have that game? No mom, you idiot, I have Disemboweler 4: the game where condemned criminals dig at each other with rusty hooks, stupid!!! It’s Friday, December 25th, Christmas, whatever. The weather in Brooklyn is 48° & Pantone 11-4800 and somewhere, somebody is full. They couldn’t bear to take another bite. But they probably will. The feeling doesn’t last forever. But how long does it last? There’s still so much food left. When will it be eaten? Should they have made so much? Little do they realize, the dog is already eating the leftovers. And me? I still haven’t eaten dinner, but I do regret eating so much shrimp for breakfast. I also have a thing on my mind…

We’ve been watching an unhealthy amount of holiday movies and shows because duh. However, because I’m an asshole that ruins everything, I have a huge beef with a couple of them. It seems to be the motif in Holiday programming is that if something goes wrong, it’s the parent’s fault. It’s easy to assume this, as it’s problematic to blame and punish kids right before Christmas for some reason. It’s a practice that I find to be grotesquely unfair. Let’s break down a couple:

In Home Alone, Kevin is left, you guessed it, behind. Most of the shame is placed upon his mother, but suspiciously not his father. One could also assess that it’s Kevin’s fault for getting in trouble the night before, causing him to be sequestered in the basement. But the Mom [not the Dad] was responsible for ensuring that he was on the plane with them and nobody else. Right? Wrong! If his sister, Heather, wasn’t such a lazy teenager, she would’ve actually took an accurate head count before getting into the van. If you want to dig farther back, it’s also Buzz’s fault for being a dick to Kevin, causing him to sleep in the attic. And yet, nobody ever scolds or talks down to Heather or Buzz, even though it is 1000% their fault.

We encounter the same issue in Simpsons Roasting On An Open Fire. The plot is that Homer’s Christmas bonus is cancelled, so he has to figure out a way to save Christmas. Because for some reason, we’re led to believe that it’s his fault that his boss axed the bonuses. What never gets mentioned again is that they didn’t have to rely on the Christmas bonus. They already had plenty of moolah to have a Merry Christmas. All of that money got spent on removing the tattoo that Bart got. Nobody blamed Bart for ruining Christmas and after 30 seconds, it’s never mentioned again. He should totally know better. Also, who would tattoo a 9 year old?!? There’s a lot of people to blame for the Simpsons being broke on Christmas. None of those people are named Homer.

I will say, however, that both of those problems are corrected. In Home Alone 2, it is totally Kevin’s fault that he ended up on the wrong flight. You could also blame American Airlines. The parents feel much less guilt this time around. Similarly, in Marge Be Not Proud and A Miracle on Evergreen Terrace, Bart ruins Christmas and he faces the proper consequences. In the end, maybe the fad of blaming parents for everything around Christmas only lasted from 1989-1990. Just like Tone Lōc’s music career.

Try this trick over the weekend: Observe a kid acting up. Blame the kid. Buy the parents a beer.

Have a Merry Christmas, everyone!

– TeeCoZee