Day 091: I’d Rather Not Compete For Affection [Friday Thought W/ TeeCoZee]
Good Moleman. Tastes like burning. No, it doesn’t. It’s Friday, December 18th, Holy Crap It’s Almost Over. The weather in Brooklyn is 30° & Pantone 7389EE and somewhere, somebody is drinking a cup of coffee. Ah, yes. That’s what they need to start the day. And yet, nothing happens. How long is this stuff supposed to take to kick in? 30 seconds? 40? Feels like it’s been a lifetime. Maybe if they start moving, it’ll kick in. Yeah. Like giving a dead car a push. So they start shuffling their feet around, trying to get warmed up. It doesn’t make them feel more awake. So they start moving their arms to a silent rhythm. Before they know it, they’re doing some terrible variation of The Funky Chicken. Little do they know, they’re live and on the air. And me? I don’t fuck around with Decaf. I hear it makes you do some stupid stuff. I also have a thing on my mind.
– Cats are a lot more intelligent than they get credit for. We spent our whole lives clapping our asses off for dolphins, while cats are just as talented. I don’t know much about Willy. He hasn’t opened up to me much. I feel like after 4 years together, we would’ve had some drunken night where he comes out of his shell, but it hasn’t happened. What I do know is that he has some kind of sonar. But it’s only for detecting the position of my arm while I’m in bed and nothing else.
You see, every time I try to put my arm around a sleeping Rachel, he comes flying to save the day. Every single time, he’ll leap onto the bed and reclaim his territory on top of her. He’s usually not even in the same room. He could be drinking water out of the bathroom sink or sleeping on the couch. He’ll detect my arm moving west-bound and be there within seconds to save the day. And I can’t even adjust my arm to go around him because he’ll just swat at it. I don’t know what what’s more impressive: Willy’s ability to detect when his affection is being challenged or Rachel’s ability to not even stir when a 20 lb cat belly flops onto her.
But I know I can’t compete with him. I am, after all, a Stepdad. They have always been each other’s #1’s and I can’t come prancing in to fuck that up. I respect the mother-son relationship and I’ll never dare to challenge it. But if I do, I know exactly how to do so. All I have to do is pet him. He’ll be so angry and mortified that he’ll stomp out of the bedroom and be mad at me for a week. The Mama’s Boy will go out of his way to make me feel guilty for splitting up his family. I’d be able to get all the snugs I want, but at a hefty price. And I just can’t be that guy. I need to be the bigger man.
Try this trick over the weekend: snug your loved one until your heart’s content. But do it with the door closed, so it won’t be interrupted.
Have a snuggy weekend, everyone!