Day 084: I’d Rather Wear A Regular Ass Hat [Friday Thought W/ TeeCoZee]
Good Moleman. You’ll have to speak up, I’m wearing a towel. Is that about my cube? It’s Friday, December 11th, The Year That’s Almost Over. The weather in Brooklyn is 52° & Pantone 2707C and somewhere, somebody is cleaning a window. No matter how many times they go over it, there’s always one streak remaining. For hours, they play whack-a-mole with a streak of dirty water. Finally, they do a pass over where there’s no definite line. But now the window is one big smear. It kind of looks worse than it did in the first place. But who’s to say? And me? I really don’t go through the effort of cleaning my backseat windows. I think the squeegee at the gas station is for windshields only. But to each their own. I also have a thing on my mind.
– There’s a dude at the laundromat right now. Shocking, I know. But this dude is a rare specimen. You see, this man has frosted tips. And in order to showcase them, he’s wearing a visor. Wow. An image I haven’t seen in over 15 years. Which begs to question: if you don’t have frosted tips, should you even own a visor? That’s seemingly the only time that both a visor and frosted tips seem appropriate.
Visors are somehow more popular than you think. We just tend to not notice them because they’re never accompanied by frosted tips. I have a couple of regular customers that wear visors daily. They’re both bald and I truly wonder what they want out of life. The purpose of a hat bill is to keep the sun out of your eyes. The purpose of cutting the top of the hat off is to preserve your haircut/frosted tips. If you have no hair, what the fuck are you even doing?!? You’re just putting your head at risk of sunburn, which sounds more dangerous than it’s worth. Is it really that important to feel the cool breeze on your scalp? Is there something else I’m missing here? They may want an even tan on the top of their heads, but there’ll still be a pale band where the visor is. I really want to ask them what the deal is, but I really shouldn’t flex with a visor wearer. You have no idea what they’re capable of.
Truth be told, I fucked around with visors for a minute. I don’t know why, because my hair was nothing to write home about. All my friends were doing it and a lot of them had frosted tips, so I thought that was the thing to do. Wrong. I just looked like a damn mushroom. My hair went over most of the visor, creating a second tier of hair. It didn’t win over any of the girls at band camp. In fact, it probably made my reputation fall a couple of notches. Because of that, I’d rather just wear a regular ass hat. Even if people question why I’d rather wear an ass hat. If I ever decide to be Mark McGrath for Halloween, I’ll cut the top off of one of my hats and make it visory.
Try this trick over the weekend: Have kids. It’s easier if they already exist. Then buy a promotional visor off eBay. Did that? Good. Now you’re Parental Advisory. Bluh.
Have a cautionary weekend, everyone!