Day 083: Cyberpunk 2077 First Impressions

It happened, ladies and jerks. The day is finally here. Bask in its glory. Wow. Today is a good day. Because today, after waiting 7 years [also, our whole lives], Cyberpunk 2077 is out. It took a long time for this day to come. The fact that we got a third Bill & Ted movie before we got this game is a testament to how patient we’ve been. But the wait is over. We can now explore the world of Night City and…umm…do Cyberpunk things. I think you can drive. Yeah, it’s a driving game. A driving game with strippers and Keanu Reeves, who is not a stripper, I think. Maybe Keanu is a stripper. Does that idea bother you? Woah. You need to get with the times.

Of course you can’t talk about any game in the Cyberpunk Franchise [I’m assuming it started at Cyberpunk 1 and went up to Cyberpunk 2076] without talking about the painful delays. Hoo boy, did I feel that pain. At around 7:00 last night, people were taking to Twitter, showing off the game. Meanwhile, my copy was sitting in an Amazon warehouse on Staten Island. Game delays are rough on the fans, especially when priority goes to the PC gaming elite and those with no regards to their storage space.

A feature that has become increasingly important in video games is presentation. I’m told by the good people of IGN that the way the game is presented to you is as important as the game itself. And I gotta tell you, in my experience, the presentation of Cyberpunk 2077 is sorely lacking. Instead of coming up to my door, gently knocking it to wake me up and handing me the package, the Amazon delivery person took a more sloppy approach. Instead, I woke up on my own recognizance. Is recognizance the right word? Let me google it.

How in the hell is “How do you spell recognizance?” a suggested search when it was just fucking spelled?!? Maybe I should Google it.

Anyways, I got up on my own recognizance. I checked the tracking to see where it was and saw that it was already delivered. I opened my door to find…nothing there. Which could only mean one thing: I had to put pants on. In what world would I have to put on pants to receive a video game?!? This is something the developers at CD PROJEKT RED didn’t take into consideration. Instead of a concise and efficient presentation, I found it sitting in a pile of packages on the lobby floor. Remember kids: presentation is everything, which means Cyberpunk 2077 is a cold disappointment.

But I disagree with that sentiment. Despite what the tech pundits would say, it’s really all about what’s inside the game. I’m more of an inside the game kind of guy. Fuck presentation. That’s for wusses. I’m talking about the meat and bones, baby. And Cyberpunk 2077 has that in spades! Also clubs. For starters, the case is a girthy 0.5 pounds. I’m so used to a game case being just the flimsy blu-ray and an insert with a bonus code for an exclusive hat that’s already somehow been redeemed, even though the game was shrink wrapped. But now Cyberpunk 2077, this puppy has balls. The game spans across not one, not three, but two discs! This harkens back to the old days, back when video games actually meant something. I can’t wait to have to switch discs while I’m in the middle of installing a chip into some detachable penis I found on the side of the road, which is actually a pivotal part of the story. It’ll be a real nostalgia trip!

The world of Night City is expansive as hell. This is made abundantly clear because the game comes with a humongous map that will look great in my dorm room or closet. There’s also postcards. Night city must really be something special if there’s postcards! You also get a thank you note from the developers and some stickers. In a time where games are generally shallow, Cyberpunk 2077 shows us how fleshed out they can actually be.

And now comes the good shit. I put the disc in the system and BAM!

You see, Cyberpunk 2077 is a PS4 game. But I’m playing it on a PS5, which makes it better in so many ways. Not only do you get to brag about playing it on a PS5, but it also makes you feel good to know that you have a PS5 to play it on. There’s a real clear benefit. Also, while the PS4 chumps are waiting for the disc to install, I can immediately jump to the action!

Look at that! Only 52 minutes! Wow! The PS5 is truly a powerhouse of a machine. I’m so glad that I have one.

After clocking 0:00 into Cyberpunk 2077, I have to say that feelings are mixed. While the delay was painful and the presentation was lacking, it made up for it in content and bragging rights. All in all, it’s not quite what I expected, but there’s still time for my mind to be changed.

Rating: 2077 out of 69lol

– TeeCoZee