Day 077: I’d Rather Not Get Crumbs Everywhere [Friday Thought W/ TeeCoZee]
Good Moleman. The goggles! They do nothing! Run! We’ll hide at my house! It’s Friday, December 4th, the year that is currently now. The weather in Brooklyn is 51° & Pantone 420C and somewhere, somebody is playing foosball. It’s a really close game, a true test of wills. Back and forth, the marble-like soccer ball bounced. And then finally, with the score tied at 9, the person was penalized for accidentally spinning the rod. A terrible ending to such a well-fought match. And me? I really don’t care about spinning the rod. I say spin away. Also, I would never call penalties when I’m playing against myself. I also have a thing on my mind.
I was eating Dunkin’ Donuts for breakfast, because I’m a sucker for nostalgia. I got one bite into my egg and cheese croissant when I realized why I stopped eating at Dunkin’. It wasn’t because the microwave eggs were rubbery or because the croissant was dry, although those are both true and valid reasons to not eat at Dunkin’. After one bite, I was covered in a desert of crumbs. All the crumbs in turn are now on the car floor with my beard tumbleweeds. It was another hard lesson that I’m still trying to learn. I should not be allowed to eat crumbly things.
I don’t understand how people can eat normally and cleanly. I’m struggling to figure out what I’m doing wrong. Every time I eat something, crumbs end up on the seat. I even leave string cheese crumbs and that seems physically impossible. I don’t think wearing a bib would help, because the crumbs would just roll off the bib. I don’t have a problem with sauce. I’m an adult. But maybe I need to wear a cone? Or some custom-fit oversized collar? But even then, I’ll just have crumbs all over my neck. I’ve spent my life avoiding biscuits, scones, coffee cakes and much much more. I don’t want to hide anymore. Either I figure out how to avoid getting crumbs everywhere or I could just embrace my crumby life.
Try this trick over the weekend: Eat a saltine cracker without making a mess. And then tell me how you did it, you glorious sonofabitch!
Have a clean weekend, everyone!