Day 076: Welp. It Finally Happened.

It finally happened today. It’s over, it’s occurred and there’s nothing I can do about it. You spend so much of your life assuming that all the things you consider to be normal are there to stay. That life will always be constant. There’s just so many things that you assume. You’re going to wake up in the morning. You’re going to eat food. You’re going to have a roof over your head. You’re going to have a job to go to. You’re going to speak out loud. You’re going to hear other people talk. You’re going to be able to walk freely and directly. These are all constants that we take for granted.

I had a good run, I guess. I at least considered my normal life to be a privilege. I’ve seen what an abnormal life is like and no sir, I don’t want that. You may think it will never happen to you and trust me, I was as naive as you. I thought it was something i only read about or saw on TV. I didn’t think it happened to people like me. But sometimes it’s not your choice. Sometimes fate decides for you. And in an instant, everything that you’ve ever known and loved about life can be turned upside down, as if a cosmic rug was pulled from underneath your existence. I was surprised at first, maybe even a little confused. But after it all sunk in, I accepted my fate. Nothing will ever be the same.

Where do I go from here? Will I be able to live with this shame? How do I pick up the pieces and carry on knowing that this happened? Maybe I should just ignore it, put on my strong face and act as if it never happened. I’ve certainly been through worse in my life, but this has me shook to the core. Nobody really has to know until it comes up. Unfortunately, this confession is only making it worse. If I could go back in time and prevent it, I would. But I can’t change the past.

But I can’t hide from who I am.

My name is Coze.

And I put my underwear on backwards. It stayed that way for 20 hours before I noticed.

I know. I’m as perplexed as you. I went to pee and couldn’t find the fly. I thought I was losing my mind. And in fact, yes, I totally lost my mind. But this is the reality I have to live with now. But there’s no fixing this. Not now. Not until I’ve changed. I farted so much. The mac n cheese I ate didn’t settle well. There was definitely some night sweats. There’s no way I could just turn it around and make it right. This is what I have to live with, as I feel the fly every time I sit. No matter what happens, I will always be the guy that wore his underwear backwards. I hope you enjoyed your time with the old me.

All I can do now is take a deep breath. I have to try my best to walk like a normal person. When someone asks me how I’m doing, i need to bite my tongue and lie. The next few hours will be trying, but I’m going to make it. I may be changed, but I’m still me. I need to learn to move forward and forgive myself. In time’s like these, self-forgiveness is key. If you ever find yourself in this situation, just remember: it’s not the end of the world. You’re still you and you’re special.

Also, don’t write about it. That way, nobody will ever have to know.

– TeeCoZee