Day 062: Top 5 Upsides To A New Lockdown

Well, you guys really did it this time. Thank you so much for finding your mask to be suffocating and itchy. I’m so glad that you couldn’t resist rushing the field at a football game. You just needed to throw that party, it’s cool, I get it. You thought the virus was one big scam to get the government to control you? Yeah, me too. That makes a lot of sense. Despite all the thoughts and prayers you sent, it looks like we’re barreling towards another lockdown. Good job, guys. So glad you did that. You really showed them. And while there are some snowflakes out there that are dreading the new lockdown, I’m here to give you 5 reasons why it’s not a bad thing, it’s a good thing!

5) The city will be empty again
I’ve spent the last few months longing for that April feeling again. There was nobody on the road and no tourists hogging the sidewalk. There were places to park no matter where you went and you didn’t have to worry about alternate side regulations. You could get a safe seat on the train and sometimes even a whole train car. For those that were essential enough to be outside, the city was their playground. And we get to go back to that fantasy one more time. Can’t wait.

4) Christmas will be cozy as hell
Everyone has had the fantasy of never leaving the house and not even getting dressed for Christmas. Some people actually do that every year and others looked at them with immense jealousy. Well guess what? We’re not going anywhere for Christmas! Nobody has to house distant relatives, kids can play their video games all day long, there’s no point of waking up at 5 AM, everybody fucking wins! I’m going to miss my family like crazy and I’ll probably never do it again, but we can all mark Lazy Christmas off our bucket lists.

3) There’ll be less crime
It’s been a crappy year for Brooklyn. There hasn’t been more shootings here since before the hipsters moved in. However, there were a couple of months of serenity in there. During the first lockdown, anybody that was outside was seemingly walking around with a loaded disease gun, so nobody messed with each other. I just imagined being mugged and then threatening to cough on them to get away. It might’ve actually worked. New York was a very harmonious place when every resident was afraid of everyone else.

2) It’s going to be cold out
Nobody likes going outside in the winter. If you do, you’re a dick. Unlike the first lockdown, which ruined our Spring and Summer, we have so many reasons to not want to go outside. You’re definitely not going to miss any fun. It’s dark, miserable and now filled with disease. We have total permission to be winter hermits. Not that we were ever asking for permission in the first place.

1) We know what to actually expect this time
The start of the first lockdown was met with an unrelenting fear of what the future will hold. In effect, people hoarded toilet paper, bleach and a bunch of other essentials. Everybody was a panicky mess. This time, we know that we’ll still be able to go to the store, infection via contact is rare and you can’t eat canned corn for dinner every night. This time, we can learn from our mistakes. And there’s actually a light at the end of the tunnel. The vaccines seem to be going along nicely and Chester Cheetah will be gone in January. For once, it’s not unreasonable to imagine this all being over. This is the final boss. And if it isn’t, it might as well be the apocalypse.

And let’s hope it’s not that. Hopefully, we can all learn from our mistakes and the ones that don’t give a shit can get deathly ill. Of course, that will probably never happen because bad things don’t happen to bad people. Oh well. This is gonna suck no matter what. But hopefully we keep finding silver linings so that we don’t all go insane. Stay safe, guys. We’ll be at keggers again someday soon.

– TeeCoZee