Day 055: That’s Right. I Bought A Console On Launch Day.

I’m a man of many stupid ambitions. I’ve always wanted to ride in a blimp. I’m still waiting for a day to come when I get a Gatorade shower. I want to invent a sandwich and have it sold at a restaurant. All of these things I could easily do, but for some reason, I never chase my dreams. That is until today. Yessir. Today, I get to cross something off my list. After today, I can tell myself on my deathbed that at least I did this. Today, I accomplished something that Little Kid Coze could only dream about, and he did often. I’ve always wanted to buy a video game console on launch day. And today, I finally did it.

I bought myself a goddamn Playstation 5. And I regret nothing. So far.

It’s always been common public knowledge that buying consoles on launch day was a sport left for hypebeasts and fools. The console is always scarce, you have to go way out of your way just to get a pre-order, the launch consoles are always buggy and there’s never any good games. Usually, it’s best practice to wait a year, waltz into a store and buy one along with a plethora of AAA titles to go along with it. But this has been a weird year. If there’s anything that these dumbass times have taught us, it’s that life and happiness are fleeting and we might as well grasp onto them while we can. When I saw the unveiling of this $500 popped collar, I knew I had to at least try to preorder one.

It turned out to be a lot easier than I thought. It also turned out to be a lot easier than other people experienced, as I got lucky as hell. A console launch in a pandemic works differently than others. Usually, your best option is to pre-order directly at the store and wait in a giant line at midnight of launch day. This time around, nobody was trying to do that. Gamers would die to get their hands on a new console, but nobody’s trying to literally do that. Instead, most pre-orders were done online, in a no holds barred war against robots programmed to buy as many as possible. The whole ordeal was a shitshow of epic proportions. But at least it was safe. Although I did lose my sanity, refreshing the walmart website over and over and over until it finally let me do anything. After hours of false starts, server crashes and more refreshing, I finally secured one. I was actually shaking. I had never felt so alive. My dream was about to come true. Two months later, I jumped out of bed, chased down the FedEx guy and the baby was mine. Simple as that. I pulled it out of the box and gazed at its beauty. And its size.

Holy fucking shit this thing is huge.

I knew it was going to be large, but I didn’t know I was going to need a bigger living room for it. It couldn’t even fit in the cubby holes below the TV. This thing is bigger than a Compaq Presario. It’s 1.5X larger than a PS4, which is not at all small. I could stack 4 Nintendo Switches and it’d still be taller. I had to push it against the wall, or else it was going to cover up Rachel’s Winter Table. It looks like a teenage vampire’s torso. It’s almost as tall as my TV screen. This thing saw the original Xbox and Atari 5200, looked at itself in the mirror and laughed. There’s no telling how much power this goddamn thing has.

I can’t even say that it purrs like a kitten. Because it makes no noise whatsoever. I had the thing running for 3 hours and it was still cool to the touch. This thing is unflappable. It laughs in the face of stress. Want to run 5 apps at once? He just says, “Cool man, do your thing. I’ll just be chilling over here. Can I bum a smoke?” But whatever you do, don’t give him one. He’s too cool to need cigarettes. He’s too cool in general. I kind of wish he was less cool, so I could move onto the controller. But every time I try to focus on it, I draw my attention back to the box’s blue aura. Just too cool. Okay, get a hold of yourself. Now get a hold of the controller. Good Coze.

I was skeptical when I first saw the controller. The handles looked a little too long. The buttons looked stiff. The Dualshock 4 is already the perfect controller, why would they mess with it? The answer is because before the Dualshock 4, the Dualshock 3 was the most perfect controller. And so on. The Dualsense does not fuck around. The button layouts and spacing are almost identical. While the controller is larger than its predecessor, there’s a definite overlay. Holding it feels totally normal, like you never dropped the Dualshock 4 in the first place. The real difference is under the hood.

Two words: Haptic. Fucking. Feedback.

Okay, that was three words. That’s just how epic haptic feedback is. It makes me add unnecessary swears. Sony has somehow perfected rumble technology. Things somehow feel true to life. If you’re walking through snow, you can feel the unmistakable crunch. Similarly, skating on ice makes you feel like you are holding blades. I’m kind of afraid to even try a violent video game. You’d be able to feel the gun shoot or a zombie eat your flesh. The possibilities are endless. And it doesn’t just have a tin can speaker in it. This thing has surround sound. Everything that rumbles is also heard. It’s by far the most immersion I’ve ever experienced without having to put a visor on. This is where VR technology has failed in the past. It’s one thing to be able to see something, but to feel it is a whole new level. I’m overly excited to see what game developers will do in the future to use haptic feedback. If you think it’s dumb to be this excited about a controller, you either haven’t held the Dualsense or you’re entitled to your own opinion.

But of course I still haven’t talked about the main feature. The purpose of the console. The raison d’etre. What would a video game console be without games? Oh man, let me tell you. Wow. The games. Bam. Woo. Those are some games. Actually, I have no clue. My pre-order of Spider-Man: Miles Morales isn’t coming until tomorrow. I played Astro’s Playroom [the free tech demo] and Bugsnax [which they’re just giving away for free] for a hot minute. Both are okay for free games. So I spent most of my evening watching Starrcade ’85, which plays the same on the PS5 as it does on the Roku. BUT I’M WATCHING IT ON THE PS5 DAMNIT!

Final verdict: I can’t wait to see what this massive box is going to do in the future. I don’t know what feels better: the haptic feedback of the Dualsense or the accomplishment of buying a console on launch day. They might be equal. Either way, I feel pretty damn good right now. If you have any leads on blimp rides, let me know…

– TeeCoZee