Day 042: I’d Rather Use Black Market Bags [Friday Thought W/ TeeCoZee]
Good Moleman. Stop! Stop! Don’t cry for him! He’s already dead! It’s Friday, October 30, Twenty Twin Twin. The weather in Brooklyn is 40° & Pantone 442 and somewhere, somebody is trying to disguise their voice. Whether or not it will work is up to them. First, they go for a low pitch, but that sounds too normal. They try to go high, but that hurts their throat. What they need to find is that good medium. One that sounds like a different voice but doesn’t cause physical harm. For a good 10 minutes, they practice in the bathroom mirror. What they don’t realize is that somebody has been pooping, listening the whole time. And me? I never try voices in the bathroom. The acoustics are awful when the sound bounces off porcelain. I prefer doing voices while sitting up in bed, so my wife can question why I sound like a two year old doing a Kurt Angle impression. Touché. I also have a thing on my mind…
– I went to the deli to get a bacon, egg and pepper jack because that’s what I do every Friday. I’d like to say that I do it to reward myself for a week well done, but really, Friday is the only day that my lazy ass leaves the house before noon. I’m standing there waiting, definitely in everybody’s way, when a guy goes up to the counter. He’s buying a roll of Ritz crackers, because that’s a thing you can buy. He hands over the dollar and looks around the store cautiously. He leans over the counter closely and in a raspy whisper, he asks:
“Can I get…uhh…can I get a plastic bag?”
We’re only two weeks into the official plastic bag ban and things are already tense. It’s been seemingly raining non-stop since the ban started. I haven’t seen a bad weather streak like this since the 2016 election. People have tried paper bags and the general consensus is that they’re useless in the rain. Because duh. It’s not abnormal that in this Blade Runner weather, people are fiending for their plastic fix. So the question’s been asked. The cat’s out of the bag and presumably sleeping on the ice cream case. Before making a movement, the clerk scans the room and locks eyes on me. Could it be? Am I a plastic narc? I look like just the kind of hippie asshole to narc out on them. I gave him a slight shrug and he nodded his head and reached for his stash of sweet, sweet plastic. The coast is clear! Free plastic bags for everybody! Some dude even got a plastic bag for his loosies. When my sando was ready, neither of us had to ask. It was understood. He gave me a plastic bag and told me to have a good day.
I really wish I would’ve high-fived the guy. That would’ve made my day. I miss high-fives. Almost as much as I miss plastic bags. I strutted back to the laundromat as a new man. People had a newfound respect for me. There I was, walking down the street with a brand new black market plastic bag. A true criminal in 2020. Somebody call my mama. Because I’m a bad dude who does crime.
Try this trick over the weekend: Jay walk. Crime is fun! You should try it!
Have a broken window weekend, everybody!