Day 034: Bev of the Week – Squirt
Lemon-Lime is for suckers. It’s a grapefruit world and we’re just living in it. It’s a much more superior fruit. When was the last time you sat down and ate a lemon or a lime? Did you eat an onion afterwards, dummy? Didn’t think so. Not only are grapefruits edible, but you do so with a knife and fork. How badass is that?!? Grapefruit is basically the steak of fruit. It’s tough on the outside, bloody on the inside and it goes great with potatoes. Don’t believe me? That’s your problem. Grapefruit is the ultimate fruit, whether you like it or not. It doesn’t care about your opinion.
The ultimate fruit should also have the ultimate bev. If you’re feeling fancy, you can guzzle on a San Pellegrino. If you want to impress your fancy friends without breaking the bank, you can serve them Polar Grapefruit and lie about San Pellegrino’s availability at Gristedes. If you’re a normal, non-pretentious human that just wants that grapefruit taste, crack open a goddamn Squirt!
What’s the matter? Is the bottle a little dusty on the shelf? WIPE IT OFF! Oh, are you weirded out by the promiscuous name? GET OVER IT! Sorry, are you not a fan of grapefruit? YOU HAVEN’T DEVELOPED A PALETTE FOR IT YET! You must consume grapefruits over and over and over and over again until you can fully appreciate the crisp crispiness of Squirt!
Did I mention that it’s crispy? It’s so goddamn crispy! It goes down smooth and isn’t overly sour like San Pellegrino. It’s yellow! You can drink it with anything, anywhere, anytime! It goes good with whiskey just as well as it goes with breakfast. You can drink it in an elevator! You can drink it in bed! You can drink it while buying more of it! With the convenience of being in a bottle or a can, you can enjoy that refreshing grapefruit flavor anytime!
So the next time you see some punk ass nerds drinking a Sprite, ask them what they’re doing with their lives. Ask them why they allow themselves to be prisoners to the Lemon-Lime regime. They’ll probably say in their high-pitched nerd voice, “I’m obeying my thirst!”. Knock that bottle out of their hand and DDT them through the taco bar. Tell them the grapefruit sent ya. Tell them to “SQUIRT YOUR THIRST”!