Day 030: Top 5 Horror Movies That I Mean To Watch This Month, But Won’t
Every October, I get overly ambitious. When the leaves turn brown and the garbage gets less smelly, I have the idealistic fantasy of cozying up on the couch and watching horror movies. And it never, ever, happens and I always have a laundry basket of excuses. It’s not that I’m scared, I’m just…overly distracted? My internet went out? My DVD is scratched? You name it, I’ve figured out a reason to not watch it. Here’s 5 movies that I talked myself out of watching this month:
5) The Thing – 1982 – Dir. John Carpenter
I was delighted to see that it was on HBO Max. But then I realized that it was the remake or sequel or prequel or nyquil or whatever. My question is why would you give a sequel to a movie the same name? That’s just mean spirited and confusing. Also, it’s more of a winter movie. Yeah, I’ll watch it in the winter. Uh-huh. Promise.
4) Ghost In The Machine – 1993 – Dir. Richard Talalay
A serial killer’s ghost travels into a computer server so that he can kill again…through electricity! While I was pumped to revisit to juicy piece of 90’s dot com schlock, I talked myself out of it. We’ve become too far reliant on our appliances and our trust of them makes life a whole lot easier. How am I going to write every day if I’m afraid of the laptop becoming sentient and electrocuting me?!? I’ll probably watch the swimming pool scene on Youtube and call it a day.
3) A Nightmare On Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors – 1987 – Dir. Chuck Russell
I’d totally pop that shit in right now, but…umm…well the DVD is hard to get to. It’s on the top shelf of the book case. It’s buried underneath a bunch of board games and puzzles. Our wedding cake topper is also leaning on it. It’s probably covered in dust. If I try to get it, I’ll probably knock over the cake topper. Then I’ll bend to pick it up, lose my balance and crush Willy’s favorite box. Then he’ll get pissed and start attacking me. And then the dust will make me sneeze endlessly while I try to move the board games. They’ll bump into the DVDs, which will start falling like dominoes, knocking into my toy Jeep that will roll off the shelf and crush my foot that’s already bloody from the cat attack. I really don’t want that to happen. The Dream Warriors stay on the shelf.
2) Jacob’s Ladder – 1990 – Dir. Adrian Lyne
These days, the Subway is empty and scary enough as it is. I’d rather not add to these fears by expecting the sleeping hobo to have a tail. Everyone on the train is wearing a mask. How am I supposed to know that they’re not demons trying to pull me into the afterlife? I don’t. So therefore, I have to stay away until life becomes normal again. Which could be any day now. Yup. Only a matter of time.
1) Hereditary – 2018 – Dir. Ari Aster
Oh, so you’re telling me that I need to see this new horror movie that’s allegedly well-made and legitimately scary? Well, since it’s new, I’m sure I’ll have to pay to rent the stream. I can’t get behind that unfair economy. Oh, it’s free on Prime Video? Well that’s not really free, is it? If Amazon doesn’t have to pay taxes, I don’t have to pay Amazon. I refuse. So you want to give me your password? I’d advise against it, because I’ll definitely steal your credit card info and use it to buy stuff. Lots of stuff. I’m a bad dude. Wow, you want to lend me the DVD? Well, I only have an HD-DVD player. Do you have it on HD-DVD? You do? Well, I guess I’ll watch it. As soon as there’s no baseball on. That includes Australian Baseball.
There’s nothing that I love more than my October horror movie ritual. Not only does it make me look like a cultured cinephile, but it also hones my excuse-making skills. That’s a talent I can use all year long!