Day 018: I Now Know What Dog Food Tastes Like

When it comes to trying new products, I usually prefer it to be a cold bev. You know this. Everyone knows this. I’m the bev guy. But every now and then, a new snack will come along that’ll pique my interest to the max. As a responsible grocer and card-carrying fat dude, I find it to be my duty to try those new snacks ASAP. This happened to be the case yesterday, when this sexy little number came in:

Salami…crisps? Hell yes! That sounds amazing! Put that together with Cheddar Whisps and you could make a charcuterie board…IN SPACE!!! George Méliès would have a field day! As a dude that has an undying passion for salami and never says no to beef jerky, I was excited to rip this bag open.

And then everything went wrong.

I popped one in my mouth and chewed it in confusion. It was crispy, yet hard. Dry, yet wet. Chewy, yet [I tried to figure out what the opposite of chewy would be, but I was stumped]. It was dull, but also flavorful. An all-around awkward chew. Then it dawned on me: it’s probably dog food. Nay, it’s definitely dog food. I just ate some hipster Pup-Peroni! Panicked and sweaty, I read the packaging ten times over.

Considering that they want me to enjoy it with a cold beer, glass of wine and dip it in mustard [fuck you], I’m assuming that it’s not for dogs? But it’s 2020, all bets are off. There could easily be dog beer, dog wine and dog mustard [fuck you]. Maybe their mission statement is more clear.

…we bring good things together. Plants + Animals.

Ah-hah! It IS dog food! To be enjoyed with your dog beer, which I assume is something stupid like PBRuff or Bowoweiser. But maybe I should keep reading.

People + Planet. We source regenerative ingredients, while healing our soil, addressing climate change and providing better food today and for generations to come.

What does that even mean?!? They’re trying to bring the people and the planet together? Did we ever leave the planet? This seems like an easy thing to accomplish. They’re taking credit for gravity’s work. The next sentence is some jumbled copy pasta to make their farming ethics sound humane, which I’m buying none of. But I like how they mentioned that they’re making food for generations to come. That shit’s plural. There’s no way they’re going to be in business for generations or even the next few years. What I think they’re getting at is that when the apocalypse hits, nobody is going to buy it. So when the surviving humans emerge from their caves to start the world anew, this will be one of the few resources left. They will live off of salami crisps and repopulate a new world. A better world. Or, at least they will try to until their hearts explode, because LOOK AT HOW MUCH FUCKING SODIUM IS IN THESE THINGS!

1000 MG?!? More like 1G, amirite?!? Considering that this bag is 28 grams, this salami is actually 2.8% pure sodium. That’s…not healthy at all. Not wanting to waste my money, I choked down half the bag and instantly regretted it. I couldn’t feel my tongue and my heart started beating loud. Today, my stomach still hates me. And rightfully so. What I did was reckless and irresponsible. It looks like I’m having salad for lunch. Eh, maybe with a little bit of ham. Or maybe some salami. A little salami never hurts.

– TeeCoZee