Day 017: Top 5 Reasons Why The Divisional Series Will Suck
Great googly moogly, it’s that time once again. We made it through the Wild Card Suicide Playoff Toboggan Ride Brought To You By Doosan™ and we came out of it better people. I think. We might be worse off. Only time will tell. Also, our parents. Our parents will tell. They always tell. I was actually planning on doing a post to list reasons why the Wild Card Round didn’t suck, but let’s face it, the Wild Card Round totally sucked. The Reds didn’t score a single run and most of the games were unnecessarily long. How long were they? The Yankees and Indians played the longest 9 inning game in history. My poor wife didn’t get home from work until 2 AM. It lasted 4 hours & 50 minutes, not including 80 more minutes of rain delay, and the bad guys still won. What a rip-off. That’s like watching Once Upon A Time In America and finding out at the end that the whole thing was a dream. Oh wait. God damnit. Well, the Divisional Round is also gonna suck. Here’s why:
5) The Yankees are unstoppable again
That was fun while it lasted. We spent most of 2020 hearing people bitch and moan about how much the Yankees stink. They limped into the postseason and most pundits didn’t think they would even squeak a game past the Indians, let alone advance. 2 games later, they’re World Series favorites and the nightmare begins anew. All weekend, I’ve been apprehended by sputtering mouth breathers, all yelling “Hoowwrrl about dem Jaaaankeees!!! Agobogool pshpffft!”. Luckily, they were all wearing masks, because there would’ve been spit flying everywhere. I hope the Rays powerbomb them through dining tables. They’re the only ones that can save me from hell on earth. I’ve never lived in New York for a Yankees World Series and I hope I’m long gone before it happens.
4) Nobody is going to be on their game
As I’ve stated before, baseball is a streaky sport. Any team that had enough mojo to sweep the Wild Card is now on a 5 day vacation. It sounds nice and in some sports, that’s normal. It’s not normal in baseball. Routines have been broken, they’re going to be playing “home games” in foreign stadiums, in foreign time zones and they don’t get a day off until the round is over. When a team is going into a high-leverage series, they want to come in hot and they want a break somewhere in there. Instead, all of the rest is front-loaded. All the teams are gonna come out guns ablazing and then tire themselves out. Or maybe they won’t. Either way, they’re not going to be at their normal playing level.
3) The Astros are still in it
After sweeping the Twins, the biggest asshole in baseball, Carlos Correa, decided to make a statement:
<em>“I know a lot of people are mad. I know a lot of people don’t want to see us here. But what are they going to say now?</em>
Fuck you, that’s what we’re going to say! If you wanted us to get over the cheating scandal, maybe you should stop rubbing it in our face. But instead, they thump their chest and act proud that they faced zero discipline for stealing a championship and ruining the careers of many. It’s got to the point where they are now fueled by our hatred. The Houston Astros have become the sports equivalent of Donald Trump. It’s true. It’s damn true. Fight me.
The one shining light about the Astros still being in it is that they’re going to be playing in Dodger Stadium, the scene of the crime. And they’re going to be facing Mike Fiers, the former Astro that acted as whistleblower to start the whole scandal. There’s a lot of bad blood between Oakland and Houston and I’m here to see that blood spill!
2) The divisional playoff is a bunch of…umm…err…divisional matchups
For once, the name of the round is literal! The league did a good job in eliminating every single team in the central division, so now every matchup is between divisional rivals. Hope you’re not sick of seeing the Yankees and Rays duking it out. What would be more fun than seeing the Braves and Marlins play 5 more games? The Dodgers against the Padres?!? I’ve never seen THAT before! Part of the allure of the postseason, especially this year, is that you see matchups that you wouldn’t normally see in the regular season. The bracket has changed from something new and exciting to a regular ass Tuesday card.
1) The Dodgers will probably lose
That’s just the way of the script. The Padres have emerged as the fresh new face of baseball. They’re young, exciting, charismatic and they hit dingers. It’s an underdog story that any warm blooded American can get behind. Hell, I’m even behind it. It’s nice to see some legit rivals in the NL West and as long as it doesn’t affect the Dodgers directly, I’ve been marking out for the Padres all season. At this point, if you’re not a Dodgers fan, you don’t want to see them win. They’ve spent the last 8 years as the resident Buffalo Bills of baseball. The whole nation wants to see the Baby Dads come in and stomp them. And unless Bellinger, Muncy, Turner, Hernandez and Pederson find their groove, it’s going to happen.
Hopefully, I’m wrong about all of these things. I really hope I’m wrong. But if I’m not, don’t say I didn’t warn you. Buckle the fuck up. It’s going to be a long 6 days.