Day 003: An Ode To My Fantasy Team

Alright, guys. It was a good year and you trued really hard–eh, who am I kidding? The competition was lukewarm, yet you still limped into the playoffs and let me down when it mattered most. I would say that there’s always next year, but most of you are definitely fired. And now, because of you, I have to pack up the trophy and send it elsewhere. Are you going to pitch in for the egregious shipping charges, Trevor? How about you, Dustin? I didn’t think so.

Pedro, you tricked me when I was at my most vulnerable. It’s hard enough to have a good catcher in this crazy world, especially when one team is hogging 3 of them. You enticed me with a solid stat line and the approval of other team owners and then you got comfortable the second I gave you a payday. If I was a smart man, I would’ve stuck with that Falafel guy, but obviously I’m not. You proved that, Pedro.

Vlad, what the hell happened, man? I drafted you in the third round only to realize that you’re just a hype. Every other Blue Jay outperformed you this season and it’s my own fault for not being able to quit you. You’re the crappy video game that I get for Christmas and am forced to play because my mom didn’t give me any other third basemen. You’re the Sonic Spinball of baseball players.

Mike, you’re an asshole. First, you waste almost an entire month because you broke Covid Protocols. And then yesterday, in the middle of the goddamn playoffs, you realize at the last second that your bicep hurts. I’LL GIVE YOU SOME BICEP PAIN, BROTHER! Now drop and give me 50! Actually, no, don’t. You’re fired. Go skate with Tony Hawk somewhere, you long haired goon.

I’d like to give a shout-out to Tommy, Shohei and Ketel for being on the IL most of the season. That was real fun. Glad I drafted you all early.

And then there’s the Kyles. You two carried the team for a good amount of time. I was laughing all the way to the bank while you guys were jacking homers. And then, when it mattered most, you decided to not even show up. An .061 average the last 2 weeks? Fuck you, Kyle. And you as well, Kyle. You were also batting below the Mendoza line. Next time you decide to swing pool noodles instead of bats, let me know, so I can bench your ass. But there won’t be a next time. You’re both fired.

Dylan and Sixto, you were both very pleasant surprises this year. For cheap pickups off the waiver wire, you two were the best pitchers in the game. That was until last weekend. Thank you so much for shitting the bed in the playoffs! That was a real big help! Gee, I didn’t think I had Clayton Fucking Kershaw on my team, but apparently I have two! Actually, I have none, because you’re both fired!

Hyun-Jin and Walker, I resented your slow starts, but I saw the potential and it paid off…for a couple of weeks. And then it didn’t. You make me sick. I’ll see you both next year.

Taijuan, Tristian, Dean, Dane, Jared, Brian, and Tommy [Jesus Christ, I had TWO Tommy’s?!? And my name was Tommy LaSoda?!? No wonder I failed!]. I don’t know who you guys are, but I’m sure you’re all jerks.

Anybody here named Deivi is fired.

Corey, DJ and Mookie, the team owes you an apology. Your talents could’ve went to better use somewhere else. I’ll try to build a good team around you next year.

Anyone else I haven’t mentioned is fired. Except for you, Kenley. Just kidding, pack your bags.

Alright guys, thanks for the okay season, blah blah blah, I need a drink.

-TeeCoZee