I’d Rather Not Look Like Fernando Rodney [Friday Thoughts W/ TeeCoZee]

Good Moleman. Bart, what other paradoxes affect our lives? Well, you’re damned if you do, you’re damned if you don’t. Mmhmm. Well…that’s very good for a first try. You know what? I have a ball. It’s Friday, May 29th, Two Thousand and two zero. The weather in Brooklyn is 75° & Pantone 708G and somewhere, somebody is looking out the window. There isn’t much going on. There’s a few birds, but they’re nowhere to be found. There’s a few people, but they’re all fighting. There’s a few cars, but they’ve all collided with each other. There’s a few clowns, but they’re all doing cartwheels. There’s a few rainbows, but there’s no gold at the end of them. There’s a few movies being projected on the neighbors wall, but they all star Bruce Willis. There’s a few naked women, but they’re dancing to Glam Rock. Nothing good ever happens outside of this stupid window. And yet, this person spends all day just staring out it, waiting for something to happen. Little does this person know, outside a different window, there’s a dog with a bushy tail. And me? I think public film screenings are overrated. I also have some things on my mind.

– I get it Mom, I get it. I haven’t written in a couple of months. It’s inexcusable and I need to hold myself to higher standards. But after all, what did you even want me to write about? It’s not like anything has been going on that’s worth writing about. All of the news outlets are starved for headlines and you want me to write about something worthwhile on a weekly basis? Pish posh. I’ll write when I feel like it, damnit!

Err, no, I’m sorry. Please don’t stop reading. I swear I’ll do better! Look! Look at me! I’m writing diligently! Woo! Away I go! I can write about the hot hard-pressing topics that you want to hear about! Promise! Here, check out this dank slice of hot goss:

– Top 5 sandwiches that I ate this year

5) Turkey, habanero colby jack, avocado, onion, light mayo on ciabatta
4) Boiled Hot Dog, cheddar cheese on bun
3) Corned beef hash, home fries, peppers, onions, cojita cheese wrapped in a flour tortilla
2) Prosciutto, mozzarella, drizzle of olive oil on a sesame hero
1) Egg, ham, pepper jack on an everything bagel

I realize that this is a controversial list, but I stand by it. I am a firm believer that a hot dog is a sandwich, a burrito is a Mexican submarine sandwich and Pizza Rolls are Italian Gushers. Sue me. I dare you. The courts aren’t open. YOU HAVE NO CASE!

– Somebody put a poster of my face on a boarded up store next to Vera Bradley because why the fuck not. You might as well decorate ugly buildings with ugly faces. That’s some good Neo-Realism if I’ve ever seen it. But upon inspection of said poster, I realized something mildly disturbing. My hat is crooked. It’s cocked a little bit to the right [or is the the left? I don’t know how mirrors work! Or wait, is the camera lens a mirror? I don’t know anything!] . I tried to not let this bother me and I had a co-worker take my picture next to it. Lo and behold:

MY HAT IS STILL CROOKED! Now there are two crooked hats! I have to re-think how I’ve spent my whole life. I’m now going to dig through every picture taken of me. They can’t all be crooked, could they? Did you all silently refer to me as Crooked Hat Guy? Or am I referred to as Fat Guy With The Patchy Beard That Thinks He’s Fernando Rodney? If that’s the case, is there a way to ensure that my hat is straight? Is anybody selling a hat straightening kit? Am I just THAT bad of a baseball fan? Somebody help me! I don’t want to be Fernando Rodney! Don’t make me do it! I don’t like shooting invisible arrows!

– I started writing a daily log of 10 things that make me smile. I’ve done this in a futile attempt to improve my failing memory and to remind myself to appreciate the little things. What have I learned from this exercise? I smile about dog poop an awful lot. Whether it’s being plopped on someone’s shoe or resting on the sidewalk with a bag covering it for days at a time, I never cease to smile at dookie. I really don’t know how to feel about that. That’s what’s up?

– I was walking to the Manhattan Bridge yesterday because I very sorely need to stop breathing heavily when I walk up stairs. On the west end of Bowery, there was a big group of people. This sight shook me to the core. I hadn’t seen a group of people in almost 3 months. I didn’t know how to proceed. Do I walk into the crowd? Is it safer to walk out into traffic? I carefully proceeded forward and the scene became more apparent. They were protesters and a gaggle of cops in riot gear were making sure the situation was secure. It didn’t seem like much of a protest. Just people standing there, mumbling. I feel like if you’re going to break social distancing rules, you should do so with gusto. As I walked further towards them, a tall man came walking towards me. His mustache and cowboy hat made him a dead ringer for C-List Celebrity, Scott Watson, but to my dismay it wasn’t him. He was holding a rat in his hands. He looked me square in the eye and said, “Those fuckers are crazy!”. And what did I do? I started cackling uncontrollably. I pulled my mask down, took a sip of beer, cheersed a cameraman and went on my merry way. It dawned on me that 2020 isn’t even half over. If we’re gonna stay on this toboggan ride, we might as well be as weird as we want.

– Top 5 Things That I’ve Been Watching Because There’s No Baseball

5) WWE Superstar, Asuka, Doing ASMR Videos
4) A random guy playing Animal Crossing for hours on end
3) Old School Wrestling Review Video Podcast
2) Jelle’s Marble Runs
1) Former Pitcher, Phil Hughes, opening packs of baseball cards

– Try this trick over the weekend: Stay at home! Stop pretending that it’s okay to be outside for no reason!

Have a safe weekend, everyone!

– TeeCoZee