I’d Rather Be Lame [Friday Thoughts W/ TeeCoZee]
Good Moleman. I saw this in a movie where a bus had to speed around the city, keeping its speed over 50. And if its speed dropped, it would explode! I think it was called, “Billy & The Cloneasaurus”. It’s Friday, January 31st, Twenty Twenty. The weather in Brooklyn is 42° & Pantone 11-4301 and somewhere, somebody is thinking about Linda Kozlowski’s butt. You know, the one in Crocodile Dundee that almost gets eaten by said crocodile until said Dundee blows up his own spot of being a total peeping tom in order to throw a knife through the croc’s head. That butt. What a butt. So this person is thinking about the butt, gawking at the butt, wanting to live in the butt and on their Google search, they come across an article entitled, “I’d Rather Think About Linda Kozlowski’s Butt”, because it’s true, they would. But instead of getting more insight about The Butt, they instead get some uninformed meanderings from a 27 year old version of yours truly. I know this is happening because it happens at least twice a day. And because of that, I have some things on my mind.
– Over the last 6 years, that post has garnered over 600 hits. It’s a depressingly low number, but it’s also the most viral I’ve ever been. Over time, other posts on BFD has found fame and fortune and I’ve never been able to follow up. When Scott’s “Worst Test Of All Time” dropped, we saw hundreds of thousands of hits in one day. We thought that we hit the big time. We thought we would start making some of that Internet Money. But what we realized was that things don’t work that way. We had to follow up and we had to follow up with something good. So what did I do? I hemmed, hawed, got drunk, ate some cheese and 5 days later, I continued my regularly scheduled NFL Roundup. Everyone was disappointed and I probably took it the hardest. We had our chance to lock in an audience and I fell flat on my face, just like Matt Ryan in week 11 of the 2012 season. But I persevered and spent the next 8 years writing stuff for my mom. We built a proverbial “landfill of content”. And then a few weeks ago, it happened again. My wonderful wife wrote a staggering, brutally honest and heart affirming piece about her struggle with cancer. We got over 300 hits in a day. How did I follow up? I took a couple of weeks off and when I came back, I pretended to be 7 years old. After a decade of trying, I still don’t know how to be viral.
But this trait also has its perks. Earlier this week, a coworker came in with a really nasty cold. As a schmuck that has to handle all of the money that comes in and out of the store, I naturally had to come in contact with his stupid, stupid germs. Within a few hours my nose started running. And then I lost my voice. And then the next day, the cold still didn’t start. The entire week, I’ve been cold-adjacent. Not quite healthy and not quite sick. I’m probably carrying the virus, but it’s doing nothing to me. This is how it works every winter. Instead of catching something, I spend a week or two on the verge of it and ultimately, nothing happens. In the industry, I think we call this “art imitating life imitating art imitating life”. But what do I know? I’m Not viral enough to be part of the industry.
– Walking the two blocks to the car this morning, I went through 4 separate clouds of weed smoke. This stuff is consumed way too openly these days. I feel like an old fogey saying this, but I remember a time where you had to go to the woods to smoke weed. Or if there was no woods around, you’d have to go in a car with tinted windows after dark and clam bake the shit out of it while the people in the back have to gooseneck any time something moves outside. I feel like a part of weed’s draw is that it’s still illegal and dangerous. You get a certain rush out of breaking the law and once it’s consumed, the rush surges through you as you realize that you totally got away with it. This mystique just doesn’t exist anymore. I once smoked a joint in front of a cop, while my friend chatted him up about camera lenses. I once saw a gaggle of French tourists in broad daylight smoking out of a bong. Weed isn’t a secret anymore and I feel like that makes it less fun. And as I walked through those 4 clouds this morning, a part of me wanted to be excited for the people that got away with it, busy mostly, I was just annoyed. It stunk. Also, it’s too damn early to get high. I’ll never stop asking myself why people ruin their days like that. In my experience, a day woke and boke is a day forgotten.
Also on my short walk, I came across 3 cars without license plates. There was also a mini van, parked in front of a fire hydrant, filled to the brim with stuffed animals, donning Louisiana Dealer Plates and a note on a windshield begging, “Please don’t tow me”. The van was just a barrel full of wrong, but I doubt there’ll be any consequences. I’m sure that it’s kind of easy to get away with this crime, but that’s a stress that I just can’t get behind. Here I am, double stepping to the car to ensure that a cop doesn’t catch it sitting there at 11:31 and there’s multiple cars that have no plates. I don’t know if I should worry about them or just worry less in general. There’s a golden rule to committing crimes. If you’re nonchalant about it, you probably won’t get caught. The second you start act like you’re doing something illegal, the second you get caught. Drunk drivers should speed, serial killers should take a cue from Billy Bob Thorton in Fargo and weed smokers should never EVER gooseneck. Just stop thinking about the crime and suddenly the crime doesn’t exist. Now you can proceed with Crime Time. Just the fact that I’m breaking this down goes to show that I’m not cut out for a life of crime. I’ll just keep obeying the law like the lane son of a gun that I am. See, I’m so lame that I called myself a son of a gun. Because I would rather call my mom a gun than a
– The TV at the laundromat has been playing a 2000’s R&B/Rap music video playlist on full blast. It’s a full on party in here this morning. But since it’s playing on YouTube, of course it’s unedited and of course, there was a 3 year old girl dancing to “Back That Ass Up”. And now that “My Milkshakes Bring All The Boys To The Yard” is starting up, the whole scene is downright concerning. I’m just plain uncomfortable. This completes my trifecta of lameness.
– And if you thought I couldn’t get any lamer, I’ve been sober all month. As Drynuary comes to a close, I have to say with immense disappointment that I accomplished nothing. I didn’t write more, I was probably less productive, I didn’t like leaving the house and I haven’t even touched Gravity’s Rainbow in over a week. Literally the only thing that I accomplished was that I maintained total sobriety. As Zach poignantly stated yesterday, eating and drinking properly could lead to good health, but it’s the mental health that’s key. And that’s always where I fell short. I deprive myself of things out of whimsy and my mindset is always focused on just that. When I quit smoking 4 years ago, my only focus was on not smoking. At no point did I try to take advantage of my newfound circumstances. My brain didn’t want to eat better or exercise and because of it, I gained a whole lot of weight. In college, I became a vegetarian for essentially no reason and I didn’t eat healthier. I just ate a bunch of cheese fries. And every January when I give up drinking, I’m not writing more or reading more or trying to live a more fulfilling existence. Instead, I veg out, drink a bunch of soda, play video games and watch wrestling. I never even gave myself a chance to improve. In other words, you can do one little thing in attempt to better your life, but if your heart isn’t in the right place, you’re going to go nowhere fast.
On the bright side, it was a lot easier than usual. In years past, I was marking days off the calendar, grinding my teeth to sleep, drinking non-alcoholic beer and avoiding all human contact. This month was a breeze in comparison. I guess that’s some growth in the right direction. And hey, I actually wrote something that wasn’t even the Friday Thoughts! And I read 130 pages of Gravity’s Rainbow! And the whiskey bottles on the table didn’t even laugh at me! That’s not to say that I won’t have a cocktail in hand when the clock strikes midnight, but hey, I grew up a little. Make next Drynuary, I’ll go for a walk. Woo.
– Try this trick over the weekend: Go to bed early.
Have a lame weekend, everyone!