I’d Rather Have Lunch [Friday Thoughts W/ TeeCoZee]
Good Moleman. Yeah, Moe, Starland Vocal Band sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked. I’ve seen bands suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked. It’s Friday, January 10th, Twenty-Twenty. The weather in Brooklyn is 48° & Pantone 2100 and somewhere, somebody is wondering why girls want fun, only fun and will not accept anything unless it is fun. Don’t they want oxygen? Or water? Or education? Or a career? None of those things are fun. He thinks that Cyndi Lauper set women back a few notches. Not only that, it also skews men’s expectations of them. They must think that their girl wants to party all the time. What this miserable curmudgeon doesn’t realize is that girls can find fun in anything, even water. And my girl? She just wants to have lunch. But before I make that, I have some things on my mind…
– I’ve been avoiding a certain building when walking home from Taco Bell at night, which is once a week. It’s not because it’s haunted, which it probably is. It’s also not because it’s littered with sketchy characters, which there sometimes is. It’s not even because of the poorly constructed scaffolding, which it definitely has. Instead, my main gripe with this building is the fact that they leave giant bowls of cat food out front. One might think that it’s a nice gesture. Every overpopulated neighborhood has its share of stray cats and they all need food. What the people of this building don’t realize is that there aren’t many stray cats in this neighborhood. They’ve all been scared off by the dogs that are let loose to roam free by their irresponsible Swisher Sweet Cigarillo-smoking owners. And yet, the food still gets eaten. By rats. Humongous mutant rats that have been seemingly getting fat for years off of these food bowls. I sometimes wonder if the people of the building are doing it on purpose. Perhaps they’re training an army of Super Rats to fight off the unleashed dogs that leave poop on their stoop. Perhaps a war is brewing. Perhaps its already underway. Either way, I want nothing to do with this shit. So I go out of my way to avoid the Super Rats. My neighborhood is weird.
– In speaking of Taco Bell, they really need to open up some real bars and restaurants in my neighborhood. The newly revitalized Kings Theater has been doing a really good job drawing big ticket events and the neighborhood has not adjusted at all. Before and after the show, the only options are Taco Bell, Taco Bell and Taco Bell. I’m sure I probably already talked about this before, so I’ll just stop elaborating. Usually, when I go to Taco Bell, I’ll check the Theater schedule first before heading there. On a particular day this week, I forgot to do that. And I paid dearly. I went to Taco Bell after an Elizabeth Warren rally. Now, I’m not the type of person to get political. Frankly, I wish the democrats could just agree on one person and rally behind them. In 2016, we failed to do this and paid dearly. And now, it’s happening all over again. That’s not my point. My point is that I had picked the absolute worst time to go to Taco Bell. The place was teeming with excited college freshmen, dripping with hormones and a false sense that they’re going to change the world. I watched them in cautious wonderment as they guzzled their Baha Blast and chatted frantically. There was an air about them that felt so foreign and bizarre. It was unbridled optimism. They were so pumped about participating in their first election. The poor babies don’t know about the hurt they’re about to get themselves into. Was I ever like this? Did people my age get this excited about John Kerry? It sent me through a loop and it’s one that I’m still circling around. I just wanted a Beefy 5 Layer Burrito with potatoes instead of beans. Instead, I got an existential crisis. Also, a Beefy 5 Layer Burrito with potatoes instead of beans. That’s how business transactions work.
– Top 5 Confusing Things I Saw This Week
5) A man playing a flute on the street
4) An upside-down dog head hanging out of a bag
3) The 5 day forecast
2) A Walgreens vending machine inside of a train station
1) An old lady sifting through a discarded pile of Christmas trees
I have no idea what she was doing with the Christmas trees. I’m hoping that her kids were coming home for a belated Christmas. But in reality, she was probably looking for scrap tinsel. And that’s a dangerous game…
– I was at the grocery store this morning, because I’m a good husband. I plan on making Vegetable Noodle soup for Rachel, because she’s sick and I’m a good husband. I’m really great. I also smell good. Rachel is very lucky. And even though I work in a grocery store, I still have a hard time navigating large supermarkets. It seems like every time I go to one, there’s always one particular item that I can’t find for the life of me. Today, it was lemon juice. I checked the juice aisle, the cocktail aisle, the lemon aisle and the baking aisle. No juice. I frantically paced down every aisle in the damn building, sweaty and confused. It wasn’t even in the Goya aisle. Rachel’s soup is going to be very un-lemony. Which is good, because she finds lemons to be “meh”. I’m a very good husband. I also bought her some Mike Trout Superpretzels.
That’s right. Mike Trout has been traded to Superpretzels. This is some deliciously malevolent advertising. It is clearly a coincidence. Pretzels don’t help Fishmen hit dingers. There is no science behind it. This is not the new Wheaties. Get your head out of your ass, Pretzel Boys. He also probably ate Philly Cheesesteaks, it didn’t make him a 5-tooled God. Nobody is trying to have sex with his wife in hopes of gaining superpowers. This is all just wrong.
But then again, I really hope I’m wrong.
I would be very entertained by them being a new PED. I would love to see the 2027 White Sox stripped of their World Series title because of their illegal pretzel consumption. Bryce Harper could get blocked from entering the Hall of Fame because of his close ties to the Snyder family. Pretzels could become the drug of choice. Pretzels could be the drug the future deserves!
– This week, Zach responded to my poorly worded rant about Airpods. I have a rebuttal to his rebuttal. He tries to categorize headphones as objects that we don’t really need, like Kindles. If he thinks headphones are a frivolous tech purchase, boy do I have news for him. Yesterday, I got a Google Home Mini. And I have no fucking clue what to do with this thing. It’s supposed to link to all of your household devices, including but not limited to: Lights, thermostat, security system, television and phone. I’m not getting smart lights. That’s just dumb. Turn off the lights before you leave. Or don’t. It’s your world. I also don’t have a thermostat or alarm, because I live in an apartment building. I’m not going to link it to my TV, because I’ve always had an inherent fear of my TV having a mind of its own. I guess I could use it to play Spotify? I guess? I don’t even listen to music around the house.
At least I didn’t actually pay for it. Instead I got it for free with my Spotify subscription. So if you have a Spotify subscription, you should know that you too could be sent a free speaker dot thing. I could use it to check the weather or get a traffic report. But I really hate the sound of my voice. I also don’t speak clearly. I would rather just type it questions. But I’m also really hard of hearing. It would be much more useful if it had a screen, so I can read the recipes that I’m asking it for. You know what would be great? If it were a phone or computer. I have both of those things. We all have both of those things. So what exactly is the point of a Google Home Mini? I was really curious to find out. After spending a half hour trying to find a good spot for it with a nearby outlet, I plugged it in. After 10 seconds, I realized that I hate the sound of the voice and it wouldn’t shut up. I also couldn’t figure out a way to shut it up, because it’s just a dot. So I unplugged it and it will probably stay that way. You know what’s more useful than an electronic dot that gathers dust on my desk? Headphones. Suck it, Zachypoo.
– Try this trick over the weekend: Put your left foot in, put your left foot out. Put your left foot in and shake it all about.
Have a Hokey Pokey weekend, everyone!