I’d Rather Not Run With A Banana [Friday Thoughts W/ TeeCoZee]
Good Moleman to you. The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor and it’s time to snatch your mother from his neon claws! It’s Friday, April 26, Two Thousand and Nineteen. The weather in Brooklyn is 59˚ & Pantone 705 and somewhere, somebody is lost in a group of people. Why he is there, he has no idea. Who those people are, he knows them casually. But whatever is going on, it seems important. Maybe if he didn’t keep looking at birds and checking the weather forecast, he could’ve heard what was actually going on or what the leader was saying. He hopes there are no questions. Oh, how perfect it would be if he got singled out on a question. Everybody looks so engaged. He should probably start paying attention, but the words spoken are breezing right over him. Hypotenuse, transmission, peppered, these words don’t even associate with each other. And then, as he notices a spotted pigeon flying overhead, everyone tenses up. The leader claps his hands and says, “let’s get started”. Gulp. It’s showtime. And me? I’ve got nothing on this, he’s on his own. But I do, however, have some things on my mind…
– Last Winter was mild as hell. Like, if Winter were a salsa, this past one would be for Gringos only. There wouldn’t even be cilantro in it, just tomatoes, bell peppers and onions. Just like how NYC didn’t even get a real snow storm. And people would still complain that it’s too
spicy cold while the Mexican Canadian people chuckle in the background. That’s last Winter in a nutshell. This whole week, I’ve encountered hundreds of people that are oh-so overjoyed that Spring is finally here and to that, I always ask, wasn’t it here already? Correct me if I’m wrong, because I probably am, but didn’t Spring actually start over a month ago? Hasn’t it been comfortable to be outside sans coat for as long as you can remember? Did we even have a Winter, bro? I’ve been meaning to say this for a while, but I was afraid of pissing off the weather gods. But I can say it now. That wasn’t a real winter and Game Of Thrones is an overrated, boring slog.
– Rachel and I saw a guy on the train platform last week. This is because there’s usually a lot of people on the train platform and a good portion of them are male. But this guy was way too well-dressed for the neighborhood. His suit was perfectly tailored and probably cost three times our rent. In a low-income neighborhood such as ours, he stuck out like a sore thumb. He was also breathing hard. Like extremely hard. Like his lungs are going to collapse from all the pressure hard. Before I could figure out what was going on with him, he walked briskly past us to the other end of the platform. Before we could properly make fun of him, he came running back towards us at full speed, breathing even harder. He then went to his suitcase that he had left there. We were so distracted by his presence that we didn’t realize that he had left a mysterious suitcase in the first place. He manically opened it like a pro wrestler trying to find a weapon under the ring. What could he be grabbing? A steel chair? A baseball bat? A chainsaw? A mannequin replica of Gwyneth Paltrow’s head? Nope. He produced…a banana. He frantically grabbed a banana. Okay. Still hyperventilating, he took his banana & suitcase and took it another lap from one end of the platform to the other. The image must’ve been terrifying from a distance: a well-dressed, frantic young man walking quickly towards you with a gun-shaped object in his hand. At some point, he peeled the banana, but we didn’t see him eat it. We spent some time coming up with possible scenarios of what the hell was actually going on. Here’s the top 5:
5) He was tricking his fitbit into thinking he was at the gym…but also needed his potassium.
4) He just got fired from his job and decided to come back home, pack up his things and leave town…but also needed his potassium.
3) He just got caught cheating on his wife and was subsequently kicked out of the house and told to “take his shit”…but also needed his potassium.
2) He just robbed a bank…but also needed his potassium.
1) He most likely killed somebody…but also needed his potassium.
The banana might’ve been a red herring, but man, I can’t stop thinking about it’s purpose. Whoever that guy is, wherever he was going, I hope he maintains healthy eating habits. Or at least keeps pretending to.
– Last night, I got a notification from Yahoo Fantasy Sports that turned my world upside down. No, it wasn’t Clayton Kershaw going back to the IL, this one actually shook me to the core.
You have got to be kidding me. Is America really that bored? Are people really doing their NFL Fantasy Drafts in April and then spending the following 5 months just looking at their lineup and masturbating? What is the point of doing it 5 months early? You have no idea what’s going to happen in that timespan. The actually fantasy football season only lasts for 4 months. You’re telling me that these Cheeto eating man cavers are so obsessed with football that they’re willing to get their team and then just sit there for a period of time that’s longer than the actual season itself? What kind of Kentucky Derby logic is that? Also, slow your goddamned roll. Just live in the moment and appreciate it. Stop trying to fast-forward my summer. Having a fantasy football draft in April is like a Back To School sale in June. It’s getting ready for work on your second day of vacation. It’s writing a breakup letter before your first date. Just enjoy the moment, you dolts! Stop letting the media manufacture hype for a sport that should be dead in the water.
In speaking of manufactured hype, I have a huge problem with what unraveled at the NFL draft last night. In the most kayfabe flub possible, the Giants drafted an inferior quarterback. And who took the superior quarterback 10 picks later? Why, it was their division rival, the Skins! How convenient. Let’s ignore the fact that the last time the Giants drafted a superior quarterback, the inferior quarterback cried and moaned until he got traded to said Giants and then went on to stumble his way to two Super Bowl titles. Let’s ignore that dumb luck. The Giants messed up in the draft because it made the draft worth following. This move will propel the rivalry for at least 5 years and will ultimately be good for the NFL’s pockets. It’s so clearly scripted but every time I mention something like this, everyone assumes I’m crazy. Probably because I am. You can spend the next 5 months dreaming about your scripted death sport. I’ll be over here, watching juiced balls fly out of ballparks.
– Continuing the trend I started last week, another person made note of my Dodger hat. This might just become a weekly column. Our Dodger hater of the week is none other than some random wasted twentysomething guy:
Guy: Booooo Dodgers!
Me: [speaking eyerollingly] Why?
Guy: Booooo Dodgers!
Guy: I’m an Astros fan!
Me: But you beat us in the World Series. What’s the problem?
Guy: But…we got beat last year.
Me: But not by us.
[10 second silence]
Guy: Boooooo Dodgers!
– Try this trick over the weekend: In the first stage of Donkey Kong Country, jump immediately to the left, above your banana hoard. Inside a secret doorway, there’s an extra life. Now go get your bananas back!
Have a Hijinxy weekend, everyone!