I’d Rather Call It New Old Thoughts U Deluxe II Special Edition [Friday Thoughts W/ TeeCoZee]

Good Moleman. That could be another way to say Good Evening. Right? It’s Friday, January 11, Two Thousand and Nineteen. The weather in Brooklyn is 29˚ & Pantone 539C and somewhere, somebody is trying to buy a vase. As if buying flowers for her wasn’t enough, he’s been sent on this wild goose vase chase. He had already tried the place he bought flowers at. He also tried the flower shoppe he went to first but decided against because they were too expensive. The flowers, not the vase. They don’t sell vases. Nor do they accept forward-dated checks. As a last ditch effort, he goes into a Target. A female employee approaches him as he frantically searches the aisles.

“Can I help you?”

“Yes, where can I find vases?”

“…vases?”

“Vases.”

“I’m not sure what that is…”

“It’s a thing you put flowers in”

“A pot?”

“Vase! Vase!”

“OH! You mean a VASSE. Sorry, I wasn’t sure what a VAYCE was because it’s pronounced VASSE.”

“So where can I find a vasse?”

“We don’t sell them, no…”

Unbeknownst to him, they are on the bottom shelf in the aisle he’s currently standing in. Also unbeknownst to him, that girl doesn’t work there. She just happens to be wearing a red shirt with a head full of Adderall. And me? I call it a vayce and I have the same problem where I repeat the thing I’m looking for when the employee appears confused. I’m so used to having my mumbling accent get in the way that I can never tell whether or not somebody misheard me or if they have no idea what I’m talking about. This was first brought to my attention on October 22, 2016. I remember this because it was sunny and I was taking Rachel on her first camping trip. We were at Wal-Mart looking for charcoal and I decided to ask an employee.

“Excuse me, where’s the charcoal?”

“What’s that?”

“Charcoal.”

“Uhh….”

“Charcoal.”

“I’m sorry…I don’t know what that is.”

“It’s charcoal.”

After another painful 30 seconds of this, Rachel stopped me from being a condescending prick that was seemingly too flummoxed to explain what charcoal is to somebody who has never heard of charcoal. Just typing this out is making me agitated. It’s a huge problem. Also, vases are impossible to find. Also, I have some things on my mind…

– Because I know you, faithful reader, research the Pantone chart every week, I don’t need to explain that it’s actually dark outside. This is what happens when the Winter Sun sets on another day. This is also what happens when I decide that I’m not going to write anything this week, panic out of fear that I’ll fade into irrelevancy and quickly [read: sloppily] throw some thoughts together with no direction or plan at all. At the end of the day I need to be content with my content. Get it? It’s a play on words. What else…uhh…ahhh…

Top 5 Directions For A Bobblehead To Bobble:

5) Not bobble at all
4) Side to side
3) Up and down
2) Yasiel Puig
1) Around in a circle

What? Your bobble doesn’t spin his head in a circle? TOO BAD! That means that their joints have tons of pressure! And you know what happens when a joint has too much pressure? They don’t stay lit. That’s why I always roll my joints loosely with a dollar bill as a guide. Yes, I’m a total amateur.

– Rainbow cookies are the most deceptive baked good. The chocolate coating looks so enticing, like a miniature finger of cake. But then the colorful innards remind me of those Brach neapolitan coconut candies that I used to inhale as a kid. Honestly, it sounds like an amazing combination. And whenever I see a rainbow cooke sitting around, I go through all of these thought processes that has me deducing:

a. I’ve never had a rainbow cookie before
b. Rainbow cookies are badass coconut cake things
c. I should eat a rainbow cookie

And then, of course, I take a bite and my whole world goes to shit. Of course I’ve had these before and they’re disgusting. It’s like a leprechaun ate too many almonds and pooped. Also, the name is very misleading. Last I checked, rainbows weren’t comprised of pink, yellow, olive green and brown. Rainbows are comprised of skittles. And who has heard of a brown Skittle?!? Those are called M&Ms. Rainbow cookies are a total sham.

– I decided to book a trip to Arizona because I have never seen a cactus before. I’m going to fly there, rent a car, drive to a cactus, look at it for 5 minutes, cry and then go back home. I’m really doing a lot with my life, here.

– I’m getting a lot of mileage out of my Nintendo Switch. Honestly, a lot more mileage than I ever expected. The one thing that bothers me about it, however, is how Nintendo is treating the game releases. The system has been around for almost 2 years and they are still re-releasing Wii U games and calling them brand new. They know they messed up with the Wii U, so now they want to release all of the worthy games again so the fans don’t feel left out. Or in other words, they’re trying to milk out as much cash as humanly possible to cover their losses. It’s getting to the point where it’s hard to tell the difference between a new game and a port. No exaggeration, today they dropped a game called, “New Super Mario Bros U Deluxe”. There are so many different ways you can dissect that title.

A New Version Of Super Mario Bros U Deluxe
With this inflection, this would be a re-release of a Deluxe version of an old game.

A Super Version Of New Mario Bros U Deluxe
This would make sense, except they stopped adding the word “Super” on things after they phased out the Super Nintendo

A Deluxe Version Of New Super Mario Bros U
I’m already sick of playing dumb. This is actually what the title means. So, they deluxified a game called New Super Mario Bros U, which was the Wii U edition of New Super Mario Bros, which is a “new” version of Super Mario Bros. But unless you already knew that, the title is really confusing. For starters, why is there a U in it? I understand that they’re trying to be transparent, but I can see a lot of parents concerned about whether the game will play on a Switch or a Wii U. And it’s not exactly “New”, is it? I get that the word was necessary in 2006 when the series started but we are now in the 5th installment. Meanwhile, there has been no “old” Super Mario Bros games, so what is “new” about it?

In other words, they should’ve just called it Super Mario Bros Switch and let the poor bastards figure out that it’s a port to a game that came out 6 years ago. You got my money, anyway.

Recently, I robbed a digital record store and came through with a chest full of Vaporwave albums. Destined to not let my crimes go unnoticed, I have decided to regularly write about them. The Vaporwave Album of the Week is “Winner’s Circle” by ショッピングワールドjp & SAINT PEPSI.

I procured this tape knowing very little about it. I’m totally familiar with SAINT PEPSI, who graces the B side of the tape, but had little idea who ショッピングワールドjp was [and to be frank, I still don’t]. But I wholeheartedly expected a lo-fi groove to ease my troubles and that’s where the trouble began. For the past few months, I have been very kind to Rachel. Through this whole foray into the Vaporwave scene, I had not once subjected her to such noise. But it was a long day and she was going to lay down for a nap. I decided that then would be a good time to play my new Winner’s Circle tape, sans headphones. I felt like she would sleep right through it and the vibe would be low-key enough to soothe her if she didn’t. And it started out just like that. Some soothing slow jams to set the mood right. And then there was a chop. And I jolted, hoping that it was wear on the tape. And then another chop. And then my stomach dropped.

Do you remember being a kid and finally seeing that one movie you wanted to watch so badly? But your mom decided to watch it with you because she loves Bruce Willis or something? And then two people on the screen start to get intimate and you pray to God that they don’t take their clothes off? And then they do and you pretend to not look, hoping that the scene will just end already? And then they start to actually have sex on screen and your mom scoffs at it’s authenticity? And every nipple-filled frame is a dagger going into your soul as you accept that your parents will never trust your movie tastes again? Do you remember that feeling? That is subjecting the woman you love to something like Winner’s Circle.

The ショッピングワールドjp side dragged on and on with jolting snaps and warbled tempos. I wanted to turn it off, but that would only admit defeat, so I was paralyzed on the couch as a shitty saxophone played lick after abrasive lick. The sad part is, I still kind of enjoyed it in all of its broken glory. I didn’t even get to the SAINT PEPSI side before I threw in the towel. I went into the bedroom to find Rachel soundly asleep. Upon waking, she remarked, “I understand Vaporwave now. It’s like being put on hold, but much shittier.”

I have to agree with her. But that’s why I like it so damn much.

Try this trick over the weekend: Be unintentionally mean to store employees, listen to noise pollution and convince someone to marry you. It worked for me, it could work for YOU!

Have a proposed weekend, everybody!

– TeeCoZee

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