I’d Rather Accept The Unacceptable [Friday Thoughts W/ TeeCoZee]

Good Moleman. Didn’t that movie used to have a war in it? It’s Friday, December 7, Two Thousand and Eighteen. The weather in Brooklyn is 38˚ & Pantone 3005C and somewhere, somebody is opening up shop. They unlock the doors, obviously, as that’s the first step to “opening up shop”. Next, they take inventory of all the overnight returns. Hmm…interesting, looks like nobody returned anything last night. Guess that saves them some time. Left with nothing better to do, they go to turn all the TVs on, only they’re not plugged in. The gargantuan Sylvania’s are covered in inches of dust. How long has bit been since they cleaned? A week? A month? Looks like it’s been years. They will proceed to go about their work day, unbeknownst to them that they aren’t scheduled to work today or at all, ever. And me? I was never lucky enough to work at Blockbuster Video, shut down or open. I also have some things on my mind.

– Every year, I forget about St Nicholas Day. And then my mom texts me, “Happy St Nicholas Day” and I realize, crap, I forgot about St Nicholas Day. In honor of it, I usually explain to somebody what St Nicholas Day is and then eat a clementine in honor of our lord and savior Santa. But I won’t eat it out of my damn shoe, because that’s gross and I would also spend all day trying to decide which shoe to eat a clementine out of [My Nikes are probably cleaner, but the Vans are more representative of what I wore throughout the year or maybe I should just buy new shoes? WHAT WOULD SANTA DO?!? [Santa would pick the Doc Martens because he’s rockabilly like that.]] and then end up eating all the clementines while trying to decide what to do. Then I would have to go to the store to get more clementines, but what shoes do I wear to the store? And then if I get there, what if they run out of clementines? What if there was a recall on Cuties because they were too damn cute?!? [Side note: Recalling clementines on St Nicholas Day is like recalling Romaine on Thanksgiving. Oh, wait…] That’s way too many things to consider. I’m putting my foot down. I WILL NOT eat clementines out of a shoe, I don’t care how good of a boy I’ve been this year!

– This mini-edition of Phantom Songs is not by Rod Stewart. I spent most of my life thinking it was Rod Stewart. Instead of a guy that sings like a girl, it’s actually a girl that sings like a guy. Or a girl that sounds like a guy that sounds like a girl. There’s a lot to unpack here. It’s “Bette Davis Eyes” by Kim Carnes.

It’s a very standard, by the books tale about a sociopathic girl that leads guys on and crushes their hearts. It would be a good subject for a Rod Stewart song, only no, it’s still definitely not Rod Stewart. So if this is coming from the perspective of Kim Carnes, who is she describing this person to? Somebody that she’s trying to bag, if only she could pry his cartoon jaw off the floor? Is she describing herself? That makes a little sense. A person with that large of an ego surely refers to herself in the third person. But then, I beckon again, who is the actual audience as she majestically compares herself to a slush puddle on Ocean Avenue? There’s one thing I know for sure: Rod Stewart would never make a song this vague. Wait, yes he would.

– I was standing in an extremely long line at Michaels yesterday because apparently it’s 1994 and I’m a 52 year old woman. There was at least 50 of us in line with only 3 cashiers. Normally, this would annoy me into committing petty crimes, but I was apparently so mystified by my latent time travel abilities that I didn’t care. In fact, nobody seemed to care. It was the most patient line I’ve ever seen in New York. I guess it goes to show that if you’re buying glitter and styrofoam balls on a Thursday afternoon, you’re probably not in a rush. Towards the end of the organized meandering, I heard an elderly lady softly say, “This is unacceptable”. But then she carried on accepting it. In all my years, I don’t think I’ve seen anybody make a more false statement. And then she double-downed and repeated herself, while standing patiently still. Her willingness to accept it was unacceptable.

– One should never take headphones for granted. Mine knew they were going to be replaced. They had to have. It all came out of the blue. With only 10 days before retirement, my earbuds stopped playing in one ear. There were no signs of trouble brewing. No crackles or cut-outs or wear or tear. One day you have a lovely pair of earbuds, the next day you’re thawing a hot dog in a gas station sink. So I had to resort to the dreaded Apple EarPods. I don’t understand how anybody can use these flimsy plastic torture devices. I’m part of a minority that have earholes too big [or too small?] for standard, non-rubber earbuds. They take forever to jam in and then when they’re finally in, I have to remain absolutely still. If you see me on the train, I probably look like Sigourney Weaver when she’s about to be licked by Tim Allen. I see so many people walk around with those things in their ears and I just want to scream at them. They’re bee-boppin and skatting and not having a single care in the world about their earbuds potentially falling out. Sometimes I just stare at their ears in fascination. Such delicate organs, perfectly shaped to fit a plastic cone. What a wonderful life that must be. The worst part is that I still have 6 days left to go. I guess I could just play my music on speakerphone. Or read a book. Or eat worms.

– In speaking of eating worms, “Men In Black” is extremely unrealistic. For a story that takes place on the streets of New York, there is hardly any foreign cars in sight. Every scene has Fords, Chevys and Astrovans as far as the eye can see. Either this is a lazy act of Hollywood fakery or it takes place in some strange alternate universe where BMW’s don’t exist. Call me unimaginative, but I hate Science Fiction. It just isn’t relatable.

– A few weeks ago, I came across a discarded stash of Vaporwave Albums. It is now my mission in life to write something related to one for seemingly no reason. The Vaporwave Album of the Week is “Pizza Contigo” by bbrainz.

Album art is a very integral component in the Vaporwave genre. It could make or break the vibes that it’s trying to give off. If the cover art has an ocean, some fiji plant and the polygonned figure, I’m going to expect some Utopiawave 95. If it’s a city skyline, I’m going to expect something much funkier. That’s what makes “Pizza Contigo” such an enigma. The vibe they are portraying is extremely specific. You have a late-80s grid background that’s oh-so familiar in video games and VHS covers. And then the focal point is a dated picture of bumbling socialite, George Costanza, presumably listening to “Pizza Contigo”. With this simple cover alone, bbrainz dug himself into a hole. It is now assumed that this is something that George would be listening to. One would expect a Seinfeld-esque groove, complete with slap basses until the cows come home. Others would picture something more dark and brooding, symbolizing the inner struggle that George goes through on a daily basis. Or some would picture something more Utopian, as the tape was undoubtedly loaned to him from Kramer in some alternative universe episode where George wants to learn how to be a hipster. He could be listening to Floral Shoppe for all we damn know.

With this in mind, we already know that the album is going to disappoint. The bar is just set too high. The music itself sounds like nothing that George would ever be caught dead listening to. It’s too positive. It sounds like something that would play in a montage, as George succeeds at something. Problem is, George never succeeds. The fake montage is null and void. It’s a total shame, because I actually enjoy listening to this. The cover just doesn’t fit at all. There’s nothing Costanza about it. A more appropriate cover would be a 7-Up Machine at sunset or a pixelated pack of gum. Or just a picture of Kenny Bania. Because this is a very Kenny Bania album…

– Try this trick over the weekend: Make Ovaltine in a square glass. It’s funny because it’s not oval. Should call it Squaretine. It’s funny.

Have a Bania weekend, everyone!