I’d Rather Answer The Questions That I Ask Myself [Friday Thoughts W/ TeeCoZee]

Good Moleman. Give it a try, it’s like kissing a peanut! It’s Friday, November 9th, Two Thousand and Eighteen. The weather in Brooklyn is 50˚ & pantone 406C and somewhere, somebody is watching commercials on TV. The first one is for Nestle Crunch, followed by Lowes. It all seems confusing for this person as they don’t remember the last time they saw Nestle Crunch on a shelf, nor did they think Lowes is still in business. Have they been suddenly transported to 1997? Wouldn’t that be nice? A short vacation into milquetoast times, before Netscape Navigator was Netscape Communicator and the most dastardly thing that a president could do is lie about jizzing on a skirt. The mambo never came back and Pontiac made fine automobiles. And in a flash, it all came crashing down. No. It’s not 1997 and nobody really cares about Matt Pinfield. The fact of the matter is that Lowes is still in business for this holiday season and Nestle still employs child slavery to farm chocolate. But a person can still dream. For now. I also have some things on my mind.

– It’s been a while, old friends. It’s also been a while, young friends. I saw my middle-aged friends recently.

– I realize that there might be a lot of questions that you want to ask me. This has not been a very good year in my household and I’m now here to explain everything that I feel comfortable with explaining. I’m ready to step into the spotlight and yell out loud, “Yes. My name is Troy Turnwald and I have hardships. Also, I’m hungry, please bring us food!”. Through all of the pain and mixed emotions, I have come out of this experience a stronger man and one that is willing to talk.

To be frank, it really hasn’t hurt as much as I thought it would. We had a good run, but things came to an end and I’m okay with that. Considering the rocky start, it’s enlightening to know that the Dodgers made it to the World Series in the first place. No, I did not expect them to win. Yes, it still hurts that they lost. I don’t blame Dave Roberts, but it’s totally his fault. Let’s look at his usage of reliever Ryan Madson, shall we?

Game 1: Goes on the mound with 2 inherited runners – Both score
Game 2: Goes on the mound with 3 inherited runners – All three score

Despite him having a 0.00 ERA in those games, it’s clear that the man can’t be trusted. That’s why in game 3, Dave decided to use closer, Kenley Jansen, in the 8th inning with a 1-0 lead. He immediately gave up a solo home run to tie the game.

With these facts freshly in mind of every warm-blooded baseball spectator in existence, the Dodgers went deep into game 4 with a 4-0 lead. With all of these factors in mind, what did Dave Roberts do with 2 Red Sox on base and 1 out?

Easy, he brings in Ryan Madson, the man who lets all inherited runners score. And he did just that.

So obviously, trying to cling on to a 4-3 lead in the 8th inning, Dave Roberts sealed his fate. He brought in the closer that gives up home runs in the 8th inning. And he did just that. Game over.

But no, I don’t blame Dave Roberts. It’s totally his fault, but I don’t blame him. He’s a total dickless scumbag and I’m glad they extended his contract another year.

– You weren’t worried about my team losing the World Series, were you? Oh, you were here to hear about my recent health scares. I supposed I can elaborate on that, too. It’s been a scary thing to deal with and a total roller coaster, but I have found peace in the situation. I am okay with it now. I’m a fat guy again and it’s okay. It also sucks a lot.

Top 5 Things That Suck About Being A Fat Guy Again

5) Remembering your skinny self
Seeing pictures from 2012 sends waves of nostalgia and dread. I used to look like this and if I was more careful, could’ve stayed like this. It’s hard to look at that miserable slender face and say that he smoked too many cigarettes and did too many drugs. You can’t justify the trade off to say that the person was lonely and empty inside. Or maybe I can. Fuck Skinny Troy. Because nobody else did. Heyooo. It’s true. It was a curse. Shut up. Seeing current pictures of myself have the same basic effect. Whenever I look at security footage at work, I wonder who that waddling blob is and why it’s me.

4) Re-learning spatial awareness
I played a lot of Crazy Taxi as a kid. I’ve spent so much of my life playing it that it falls in the category of “Video Games That I No Longer Get Excited About But Will Go Into A Fugue State And Master For 2 Hours”. [Other games in that category include: Sonic 2, Tecmo Super Bowl, Mario 3, Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 3 or HD or Whatever Just Give Me Tony Hawk Thanks.] The maneuver that I mastered was the Crazy Through, in which you get as close as possible to other cars without touching them. I was so good at it that I started implementing it in real life. Living in the zombie destination of the world, my Crazy Through Skillz were essential in my daily commute. I never had to say excuse me because I would weave and ninja around slow walkers and stopped strollers. I could maneuver Canal St on a Sunday like Aladdin stealing a baguette. Those days are long gone. My crowd maneuvering as a fat guy involves a lot of bumps, sighs and apologies. I’ve had to resort to hovering directly behind people until they feel uncomfortable and let me pass. I could just say excuse me, but that feels even more rude. Plus, when you make the announcement that you think you can walk faster than the person in front of you, that becomes a lot to live up to. If you say “excuse me” and end up walking at the same pace, you look like a damned fool. And as a latent fat guy, that’s a risk I can no longer take. Which leads me to…

3) Foot Pains
Ah, yes. When the weight of the world sends pressure to your feet, stupid things happen. Every morning, I walk out of bed with a limp because my feet are pissed off. I have had a constant stream of foot ailments in the last year. First, it was an ankle issue that lasted for a couple of months. I thought it was going to feel like that forever and then it didn’t. After that was my right heel. For 3 months, I thought it was a bone spur and then it wasn’t. Then there was 4 months of Plantar Fasciitis that magically went away on its own. Then there was a condition that went undefined. For 3 months, there was a pain in the top of my left foot that would shoot every time I breathed deeply. Upon internet searches, I discovered that it was either lung cancer or permanent nerve damage. It was not and my foot doesn’t hurt anymore. Every day is a mystery when it comes to what my foot pain might be. I could chalk it up as getting old, but that’s like claiming that your clothes are shrinking when they don’t fit right any more. It could be the case, but you’re probably just getting bigger.

2) Finding Decent Clothes
I had a very specific style for 10 years. It was “Frail Geezer” and consisted of nothing but second-hand Arrow Brand button-downs. In other words, I was wearing dead men’s shirts and there was a plethora of them on eBay and in Salvation Armies across the country. Now that I had to move up a shirt size, my options shrunk significantly. Elk’s Club Chic is no longer an option and I’ve been forced to rely on a rotations of 6 or 7 shirts that actually fit me comfortably. I guess I could start collecting vintage Big Dog T-Shirts? Ponchos, muumuus, capes, jumpsuits, unisheets, Muslim body rolls or academic/judicial robes?

1) Being a fat guy again
In the industry, we call it “not great”. After spending a decade as a fat guy trapped in a skinny guy’s body, I still take no solace in saying that I got what I wanted. I might be more comfortable with my identity but it’s something I should probably try to change. At least I’m not a smoker anymore? Does anybody get credit for that in 2018?

– But that’s not what you were wondering about, were you? I guess you wanted to hear about the big change in my life. It was really scary and uncomfortable at first but now it’s just a part of day-to-day life. I didn’t think it would ever happen to me or the one I love, but it did. Since summer, Rachel and I have been living in an apartment together.

It still sounds surprising to say out loud. It’s true. We live in an apartment together. And I have no frickin idea what neighborhood it’s in.


Judging from this crude map, it seems likely that I live in “Prospect Park South”. Good. Mystery solved. Now go and tell somebody that you live in Prospect Park South and see how that goes. It’s a fake neighborhood made up so that residents don’t have to know the real truth. But then what is the truth? Do I live in Ditmas Park? Flatbush? Kensington? East Flatbush? Lefferts Gardens? Gravesend? Marine Park? Seattle? WHAT IS IT?!? I’ve resorted to changing my neighborhood to appease the person who’s asking me where I live. I live in Kensington to impress young professionals and I live in East Flatbush for the street cred.

And with a move comes a new commute, which I was initially excited about. That excitement has morphed into pure and unbridled misery. I now ride the Q train, which many of you might think is just fine, hip or reliable. In fact, in 2012 it was rated by the Straphangers Union to be the best line in the system. Just as my weight gain can tell you, a lot can go wrong in 6 years. My commute only traverses 6 stops and sometimes that takes over an hour. There’s construction every weekend that requires a shuttle bus and then after the construction, the signals act up worse and there are even more delays. I spent so many years as an MTA apologist. I rode what everyone claimed to be the worst line in the system without many issues, so I was convinced that the problem wasn’t as bad as it was. After enduring 5 months on the Brighton Line, I’m ready to throw in the towel. I dread every commute. This is what being a New Yorker must feel like. It took me a long time, but I finally made it! Somebody give me a bagel!

– So now that we’re all caught up, how was your summer? Did you go on a trip? Do a little golfing? Save the day? Eat a sandwich? Join a cult? Learn to surf? Join a surfing cult that meets every Tuesday at the sandwich shop? Did you drop acid at a country club and fight a demon lizard monster? Did you watch a parade? Was it not even a parade at all, but rather a mass of people standing still? Do you even remember anything at all? I didn’t think so.

– Oh right, there’s another thing that I forgot happened. Rachel got The Cancer. She found it on the side of the road and fought it in a death match. It was on PPV. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go stab her so that she can choke and be ready for her poisoning. Life is funny sometimes.

Try this trick over the weekend: Don’t die. Stay alive.

Have a Pearl Jammy weekend, everyone!