In Which Things Get Nautical [TeeCoZee’s AL Roundup May 2018]

I’ve spent a good portion of my life trying to sell things that people don’t want. Remember Chia Pods? Oatgurt? Sparkling Coconut Water? The California Angels of Los Anaheim? Probably not, because I failed miserably at selling them/ I also have a really hard time selling hot dogs. When a case comes in, I have 2 months to get rid of them. Most of the time I don’t and it gets transferred to the kitchen, where they try to sell Salsa Dogs [also not successfully]. So you can imagine my dismay when my buyer started making me sell 20 packs of hot dogs. That’s twenty slimy meat tubes for the low price of $19.99. I wondered what kind of sociopath would think that would be a good idea, so I did my research. The most obvious thing about my buyer is that he’s a Yankee fan. So I went to see this “Yankee” [coincidentally against the Los Angels Anaheims of California] and the results were intriguing. There was a man walking up and down the aisles selling hot dogs for $5 each and he was making absolute bank. People were even tipping him! Which led me to a new question: Why do Yankee fans like hot dogs while my customers do not? I did a basic profile breakdown:

My customers – pleasant, friendly people that I enjoy being around.

Yankee Fans – …ohhhh I get it. Never mind.

Stop by my store at the end of July for a salsa dog extravaganza! But for now, there’s some baseball stuff to attend to…

AL East
5th Place: Natty Boh [17-41]
For a team that has the least amount of RBIs and lowest OBP, it doesn’t seem like things could get any worse for the Orioles. That is, until they sign free agent, Hanley Ramirez. He used to play shortstop, right? I’m sure he’ll fit in at 3rd base. Their pitching staff is in a permanent fugue state after being hypnotized by Chris Tillman’s slow windup. And batting .154 with 4 home runs is Chris Davis, debatably the worst player in baseball. Yes, even worse than Neil Walker. Crush Davis? More like Mush Davis, amitrite?!?

4th Place: Rogers Communications [26-33]
2 words: Vladimir. Guerrerojr. Okay it’s three words, shut up. This kid is without a doubt the best young star in baseball and probably the savior to the Toronto franchise. So far this year, he’s batting a ridiculous .408 with 11 home runs. Many of those home runs left the park itself. He has a swing that’ll be terrorizing pitchers for the next decade. What I failed to mention is that Vlad plays for the New Hampshire Fisher Cats and the Blue Jays are absolutely horrible. Their best hitter is Luke Maile, which is French for “Shitty Hitter That You Won’t Remember 10 Days From Now”. And he’s only playing because Russell Martin [which is French Canadian for “Accused Of Assault, But Never Charged] is playing shortstop. I repeat, Russell Martin, geezer catcher extraordinaire, is playing shortstop. So…umm…go Fisher Cats!!! Woo!

3rd Place: Tropicana Orange Juice [28-30]
In speaking of washed up baseballers playing out of position, Sergio Romo has been starting for the Devil Rays. That’s not to say that he’s pitching full games, he’s just throwing the first couple of innings. He even did it two days in a row. What a novelty: a team that gives up before they take the field. But wait, the team is actually 2-2 when Romo starts. Could that mean that they’re onto something? Could that mean th–Nope.

2nd Place: Hair Club For Men [38-18]
I’ve said what needed to be said. I’m not trying to make any more comments about the Yankees. Just turn on ESPN, you’ll hear all about them.

1st Place: Foxwoods Casino & Resort [41-19]
I’m confused. I thought Hanley Ramirez was in the Bess Shaype O His Lyfe? He had a monster April, fell into the slightest slump and BAM. Out on his ass. That’s one of the ballsiest moves I’ve ever seen in sports. And it was done by Dave Dombrowski, a man who is known for being Dumbrowski. Well, now I guess we have to call him Dave Dumballski. He might be dumb for cutting Hanley, but he has balls. And he skis? Sure.

AL Central
5th Place: US Cellular Guaranteed Rate [18-38]
Aaron Bummer is still a Bummer because he’s Aaron Bummer, damnit!

4th Place: Kansas City Doesn’t Need A Sponsor [21-39]
I was reading The Athletic’s bastardized version of the roundup yesterday. Don’t get me wrong, The Athletic is a plethora of good journalism. It’s much better than anything that I can muster and it is absolutely worth the price of subscription. Either way, the guy that writes crappy roundups made a comment about the Royals only being relevant every 30 years and that rubbed me the wrong way. This is because I’ve been reading articles on the Athletic about the Royals farm system and the good things that are coming for them. Even though I despise the Royals, I’m conflicted between giving into the hype or taking the high road with the coastal elitists. Well, I AM on a coast. And I guess I’m an elitist? Uhh…Royals suck. There. I said it. Go home.

3rd Place: Target [25-30]
Eddie Rosario hit 3 home runs for the Twins on Sunday to seal a series victory over the Clevelands. This would feel relevant if I didn’t give up on Rosario over a month ago. After a sluggish start, he’s batting .317 with 13 home runs and 40 RBIs. And who did I drop him for on my fantasy team? Alex Verdugo. Touché, Coze. Touché…

2nd Place: Chevrolet [29-32]
The MLB draft is a thing that exists and it happened yesterday. In the first pick of the first round, the Tigers took Casey Mize, a pitcher out of Auburn. He seems like an upstanding guy and has a filthy off-speed repertoire. So what does that mean? They’re gonna pay him a whole bunch of money, get frustrated when he struggles early and then trade him to the Orioles for Alicides Escobar (who is in Baltimore for some reason in this fantasy scenario) and a can of tuna. He’ll flourish and send the Oh’s to three consecutive wild card games. And so it goes.

1st Place: Progressive Boat Insurance [30-28]
That said, the Tigers are doing surprisingly well this year. This could be due to the prowess of rookie skipper, Rob Gardenhire. It could also be a fluke due to their lukewarm division. I’d rather believe the latter. I mean, look at this. The Indians are in first place and I’m spending their paragraph space talking about the Tigers.

(Struggles to look up stats on the train)

(Scratches beard)

Uh, the Indians are what the Spaniards call, “bueno”. Or maybe it’s “regular”. Screw it.

AL West
5th Place: Globe Life, Happy Wife [25-27]
Guess which Rangers player is fake:
If you guessed Mike Minor, you’re wrong. They’re all Rangers!

4th Place: O.Co, Whatever The Hell That Is [31-29]
Even after hosting a game in which all the tickets were free, the Oakland Athletics are still dead last in attendance. More people subscribe to The Athletic than attended Athletics games. I don’t know if that stat is real or not. Either way, it’s a shame. Their offense has a lot of young talent with players that I can’t remember the names of and Daniel Mengden is having a breakout year. Maybe everyone is busy going to Warriors games. The Warriors are a team, right?

3rd Place: Disney [33-28]
As I mentioned before, I paid a stupid amount of money to see the Angels play in the 8th layer of hell. As expected, Ohtani got booed mercilessly and the Yankees were hitting dongs early and frequently. That was, until a miracle happened to shut everyone up. That hero was Mike Trout.

We all knew that he’s the best baseball player on the planet. What we didn’t know is that he never went 5 for 5 in a game. And he did that in a magical fashion. 3 doubles, a home run and a single that most able-bodied people wouldn’t have been able to run out. For one night, he was a god among mortals and every Yankee fan in attendance went silent. It was beautiful. I laughed. I cried. I got heckled. And how did they follow that up? By losing out the rest of the weekend. I guess it’s the same ol’ Angels after all…

2nd Place: Minute Maid Orange Juice [37-24]
I don’t get it. Tropicana is far superior to Minute Maid in the OJ game. Then how are the Astros so good and the Rays so bad? It’s because they cheat, that’s why. I’ll never drink Minute Maid again.

1st Place: Nintendo [37-22]

I knew I had to write this roundup this morning because for once in a millennia, THE MARINERS ARE IN FIRST PLACE. I repeat, THE MARINERS ARE IN FIRST PLACE. And this is all without Robinson Cano, who got popped for PEDs. They did it with Nelson Cruz and Dee Gordon, who got away with taking PEDs. They did it with James Paxton, who can summon eagles and lighting and probably demons. They did it because they’re playing like a team, damnit! And if there’s any feel good story in baseball, it’s this.

I guarantee that by the time you read this, the Mariners will no longer be in first place.

Join me next time, when I explain how the Mariners are in last place.