The Dodgers Are Kind Of Good, I Guess. [TeeCoZee’s NL Preview 2018]

This. This picture right here. Take a good look at it. Notice the subtle blurriness, the hopeless gaze in his eyes. The jaw hung agape, as if one found out that they were adopted by Cubs fans. This is the picture of Professional Blister Grower, Rich Hill, after he pitched 9 innings of no-hit ball. So why does it look like his car just blew up? Because his team failed to score any runs, so he went out into the 10th inning to immediately give up a homer to Josh Harrison. Look at that face. It tells so much. It was the same look for when the Dodgers proceeded to lose 11 straight games. It was the same look for whenever the stupid train horn in Minute Maid Park went off. It was the same look for when Dave Roberts decided to start Yu Darvish in game 7 of the World Series.

I should be happy that my favorite team even got that far, but that face is still burned into my head. It was there every time I missed a train. It was there every time I forgot an umbrella. It was there when I was formally rejected from the job of my dreams. It was there last week, when Justin Turner took a fastball to the wrist. And it will be there to haunt me all season, every time Matt Kemp strikes out or Pedro Baez takes the mound. It will be there every time Walker Buehler gets his tits lit. And I’ll be right here to complain about at as long as you are here to listen and roll your eyes. We’ll get through this together, even when Clayton Kershaw’s back ruptures into 5,000 pieces.

But enough about that. There’s 14 other teams that are just as likely to shit the bed on a weekly basis.

NL East

5th Place: Derek Jeter’s Lost Wallet
Last year, the Marlins were a hyped team of talented middle-of-the-road players trying to make their place in the world. In the offseason, they traded away/demoted every player that matters and everybody cared. The same can be said about the Rays, except the entire baseball community was too busy having stove-gasms over the Marlins. Nobody had the capacity to shut up about Jeter’s gutting spree. But let’s look at facts. The Marlins finished 77-85 while the Rays were 80-82. Saying what Jeter did was a travesty is an exaggeration. He simply got rid of a bunch of players that couldn’t win. The Rays did the same, but Jeter doesn’t run the Rays, so who cares?

4th Place: The Cobb County Bloopers
It looked like the Atlanta Braves were an up-and-coming team with a strong-ish farm system. As it turns out, my glasses are dirty a lot. They had to give away a bunch of prospects because they broke the rules by paying international players above minimum wage. Or something like that. I’m not a lawyer and I haven’t spoke to one in years. For all I know they were smuggling cocaine inside collectible cups from Long John Silvers or some other Ron Mexico shit. The only thing that I do know for sure is that the Braves are trying really hard to make their fans forget about the fact that their team name and previous mascot should be next in the firing line after Chief Wahoo got his death sentence. Their new distraction tactic is in the form of a new mascot, Blooper.

Let’s ignore the fact that he basically looks like Orbit and the Phillie Phanatic has a brown baby. Or is it white? Let’s just ignore its race. Let’s also ignore the fact that he was introduced at an event called “Chop Fest”. Blooper is here to bring this team into the new millennium!

3rd Place: New York Ets
Yes, I’m doing that stupid thing where I lump the three bastard New York teams into the same name. I’m not sorry for it. But I will apologize anyway. It’s hard to say what the Ets are going to do this year. They could win the division, while Yoenis Cespedes makes good on his promise to win MVP and Noah Syndergaard pitches a full CY Young-worthy season. Or Cespedes could break a toenail, Syndergaard’s arm falls off completely after attempting a 105 MPH sinker and the team finishes .500. Either way, I won’t be surprised, nor will I pay $15 for a Momofuku Chicken Sandwich.

2nd Place: Philadelphia Phucks
I’m just going to leave it like this. I have no reasoning to back up this bold prediction or the wherewithal to come up with a clever name for the Phillies.

1st Place: Washington Senators
Get it? Senators? Because they’ve been elected to be the best and brightest in our nation and yet they can’t even get a proper bill passed or advance in the Postseason? I would almost feel bad for them, considering how they have so much talent that’s completely going to waste. But then I remember that they’re the Nationals and they deserve nothing but the purgatory that they’ve been existing in for the past few years.

NL Central

5th Place: Steel Reserve Light
Oh look, it’s another team that completely gutted everything that made them good. Gerrit Cole went to Houston where he’ll be under-appreciated. Andrew McCutchen went to San Francisco where people will expect too much from him. And John Jaso went to Hollywood, where he’ll reprise Gary Oldman’s role of Drexyl Spivey in Ridley Scott’s unnecessary remake of True Romance. I realize that’s a lot of name dropping in one sentence, but I think Jaso will be very good.

The resemblance is uncanny…

4th Place: Joey Votto vs The World
That basically summarizes it, right? Much like the Angels of yesteryear, the Reds have a generational talent on their hands with no team for him to play for. Despite popular belief, Homer Bailey is still alive and is one of their premier pitchers. That’s how deep in the gutter they’ve gone. If Billy Hamilton could steal first base, they might stand a decent chance in such a lukewarm division. Wait, CAN Billy steal first? It’d be like drawing a walk, but faster. He should try it…

3rd Place: Los Angeles Rams
I don’t get much time to watch football anymore. All I can really do is imagine how games go based on the stats and scores. This made me very fascinated with the Rams moving back to Los Angeles, as I pictured every game to take place in 1992, with those retro-ass blue and yellow uniforms marching up and down the Coliseum. I don’t know what Todd Gurley looks like, but I’m sure he looks just like Eric Dickerson.

2nd Place: Bob Uecker Is Still Alive
This surprised me, too.

1st Place: The Good Chicago Team
Much like the Royals, I was happy to see them win their championship, but now I hope they can just fade into the sunset. We don’t need another team to dominate all season and choke in October. We already have the Nats. And if you don’t remember correctly, last year it totally seemed like the Cubs and Nats were going to eliminate each other. That’s how much they both tried to lose. If I’m wrong and Yu Darvish wins them a World Series, there is no God.

NL West

5th Place: The Gnats
[Buster Posey walks into the locker room]

Buster: Alright, guys. It’s not as bad as it looks. Yes, Madison is going to need a hand donor and if I didn’t need both of mine I would give it in a heartbeat. However, as your captain, it is my duty to choo–

Andrew McCutchen: Wait a sec, I thought I came in here to be team captain!

Evan Longoria: Nope, I am the new captain!

Hunter Pence: What am I supposed to do with this saw?!?!?

Bruce Bochy: Will you guys shut the fuck up?!? I’m trying to watch Becker!

Buster: You heard the man, I’m the real captain! Now Pablo, what’s your watch size?
[/scene]

4th Place: The Fathers
Yes, they paid Eric Hosmer way too much money. Yes, I do believe it was justified. Yes, I do think that Manuel Margot and Hunter Renfroe are on the verge of a breakout. Yes, I think the Padres will win over 81 games. Yes, I say this about the Padres every year. Yes, I know I’m delusional. Yes, I have had half a beer. Yes, I am a lightweight. Yes, it does have blood orange in it. Yes, there was dirt on the rim and I had to pick it out of my mouth. Yes, I wiped it on my jeans. Any more questions?

3rd Place: The Snakes
With Taijuan Walker, Zack Greinke and Robby Ray leading their rotation, the Diamondbacks are looking really solid this year. With Taijuan Walker, Zack Greinke and Robby Ray leading their rotation, the Diamondbacks are looking really shitty this year.

2nd Place: The Mountains
I don’t know what to say about the Rockies. So I asked my girlfriend what she thinks about the Rockies. Her response was, “as a team or sexually?”.

Charlie Blackmon is a dead man.

[Goes to buy beard dye]

1st Place: The Dongers
Scroll to the top so that you can feel my pain again. Or don’t. Just don’t.

Join me next time, when I might look at these teams with a subtle hint of optimism. And then make fun of their hair.

-TeeCoZee