I’d Rather Ask My Doctor [Friday Thoughts w/ TeeCoZee]

Good Moleman. You call that a knife? This is a knife. It’s Friday, November 17, Two Thousand and Seventeen. The weather in Brooklyn is 41˚ & Pantone 17-4245 and somewhere, somebody is trying to get a bottle open. It’s supposed to be a twist-off, but it won’t seem to stop twisting. So he keeps tugging, as if the cap was on tiny little threads that required 62 full rotations before being let free. Meanwhile, the cap is hanging on for dear life, afraid of a world where he is discarded on a counter or in a weird purgatory spot between the trash can and the refrigerator. Surely if he was to end this caps life, it’s not going to come easily. As for me, I want nothing to do with this explosive scenario. I prefer to not drink before work, regardless of the day of the week. I’m not judging the guy, but come on, he’s already two hours late. I also have some things on my mind.

– I have a condition that has not been approved or diagnosed by any doctor. It’s probably not even a thing that exists, but rather something I lean on when I lose unimportant things. If an object is stationary for a long period of time (up to 4-6 weeks or whenever the Jets win a game), it ceases to be an object to me. It becomes the background to my life and I mentally treat it as if it were a poorly sprited object in a video game that I can’t interact with. There are things around the house that haven’t been touched since I moved in 7 years ago only because I don’t think I can manipulate them, let alone point them out as things that actually exist. There are over 500 individual things on my desk and I would not be able to list a single one of them. In that same regard, theres a platter on my coffee table. It sits in front of me every day and is used when I have a plate of food or some cheese that needs to be cut. It’s not the most sanitary cutting board, but I always have proper coverage underneath said cheese. I’m not a monster. It wasn’t until this morning that I realized that this platter/cheese cutter/oversized coaster opens up. It’s actually a laptop. My jaw dropped in light of this new discovery. There were Chrome™ tabs open from back in April. No, I am no longer looking to buy Mets tickets.

It took me even longer to remember that I used to be a writer and this was my best friend. I haven’t connected any thoughts together on digital paper in over 7 months. What happened to us? Is this what growing up is all about? You fall in love and get distracted with playing video baseball and then all of a sudden your prized possessions become decor? Did I really forget who I was? Did you forget that you used to read this? Did any time actually pass? Why am I asking so many questions? Stop that? That’s not a question. I started this blank document with no plan in mind, so I’m probably going to rely on pictures and whatnot to aid me through this journey. So at least you can scroll, look at the pictures and click the Like Button. I won’t know the difference. Promise.

This edition of Ad Nauseous is brought to you by Vivitrol: It’s Vivitrol.

What is Vivitrol, you ask? We aren’t going to tell you. We spent tens of thousands of dollars on this ad, only we have the right to know what Vivitrol is. This anxious-looking European lady also doesn’t know what Vivitrol is. But she totally looks like she does. Let me assure you, she has no friggin clue. It’s an injectable suspension. So it’s like getting a flu shot that makes you leave school an hour late. That’s not actually what it is, I’m just trying to distract you. Do you really want to know what Vivitrol is? No, don’t go to our website. That will only make you more confused. There’s no number to call either. In order to know the truth, you have to make an appointment with your healthcare provider. And what the hell is that? I’m pretty sure the normies call them “doctors”.  Yes, the guy you haven’t seen in years. Don’t have insurance? Knowledge is priceless, you should pay your doctor $300 up front for this information. Wait 2 months for your appointment, because you are no longer considered a “patient”. Fill out some forms to your best knowledge. After 2 hours of waiting, your doctor will take your blood pressure, shove the thing in your ear, et cetera. Then you can ask him what Vivitrol is. He will then tell you that he’s not your doctor and leave the room. Wait another 2 hours. The real doctor comes in and you ask him what Vivitrol is. He has no clue. He’s going to have to ask some colleagues at his Yale 10 year reunion, which conveniently, is 2 weeks from now. He’ll be giving you a call. After 2 weeks, you wait another 2 days and get the phone call from your doctor. He tells you that Vivitrol is an experimental drug used to stop opioid abuse. Oh. You don’t need that. You then ask him why everything keeps happening in 2’s and he hangs up on you. There you have it. You don’t actually need Vivitrol. Aren’t you glad that you saw this ad?

– I’ve gained a lot of weight over the past few years. I’m not sure whether to blame it on not smoking or eating too much Taco Bell. The former is more convenient. Regardless of my body changes, I still prefer to sit cross-legged. This is basically killing my ankles slowly in their sleep (because they go numb after 5 minutes). This has nothing to do with my bones being out of shape or getting old, but solely due to the fact that my heavy legs are crushing them. I realize that I should start working out, but I’m not sure if I should do leg or ankle exercises. These are the problems that plague me daily.

– This edition of Phatom Ad Nauseous is brought to you by Maxell: It’s The M™.

For starters, I was trying not to swear. But this dude fucks. Look at that spoiler, B. Maxell. Forever. Also, he’s got the dude from the RCA logo, with the wind blowing him whiles he’s trying to lounge and crap. I hate getting blown when I’m trying to get my lounge on. I always felt bad for that RCA dude. But seriously, why in the hell is Maxell sponsoring a Ricer? What did they do to warrant this? They aint no Tide and I don’t think they make car parts?

Come to think of it, I really know nothing about Maxell. I know that they made blank tapes and as a kid, I was convinced that the company was named Maxwell. Like the R&B singer. I thought his original claim to fame was making blank tapes and then he decided to fill those tapes with music, making him doubly popular. I was wrong a lot as a kid. Upon my initial Lycos search, I realized that the windy dude is actually Maxell’s logo. I thought it was RCA?!? I mean, it obviously used to be the two dogs with the phonograph, but I thought they revamped the image in the 80’s to something more relatable. Nobody cares about dogs listening to music, they wanna see Yuppies coked out of their gourds, watching a really loud movie. Now THAT’S what sells blank media! According to their extremely short Wikipedia page, Maxell stands for “maximum capacity dry cell”. I don’t know how in the hell you derive Maxell out of that. There’s no “dry” or “capacity” anywhere in the name! Maxcadell’s main product was batteries and then they moved on to storage mediums in the 80’s. That’s it. Unless that car has a Maxell battery (and God help us if it does), there is absolutely no reason to be advertising the company. I have a feeling that Xzibit had something to do with this. He was like “Yo dogg, so I hear you make mixtapes. Well now the whole world will know that you prefer to use Maxell tapes for all your mixing needs. Boom!”. Did Xzibit say “boom”? Or was that Emeril? Screw it.

– Every time I write something new, I always make excuses about why I wasn’t writing for a long time prior. I don’t want this to become one of those things. So I need you to do me a favor. If I don’t write anything else for a week, hunt me down and kill me. It’d be pretty easy. I have bad ankles.

Try this trick over the weekend: Buy a pizza. And then buy another pizza. Now you have two pizzas! Enjoy.

Have a Pizza Pizza, everyone!

-TeeCoZee