I’d Rather Not Talk About The Election [Thursday Thoughts w/ TeeCoZee]
Good Moleman. We paid for blood! It’s
Friday, November 11 Thursday, November 10, Two Thousand and Sixteen. The weather in Brooklyn is 54˚ & Pantone 663 and somewhere, somebody is eating a Three Musketeers Bar. It reminds him of a different time. A simpler time. A time before time, when timeless timed timers, clothed in swatches of quartz, clocked each other in the heads with fossils while others watched on. By the time he finishes the candy bar, he will be late for work. But not me. I have plenty of time to get on a train. Wait, what time is it? I’m allergic to watches. Wait, I’ve got nowhere to be. I also have some things on my mind.
– I picked a really stupid week to start writing again. If I thought it was hard to get inspired before, it’s even harder now that the arena of social media is completely clogged with people spitting prophecies of doom and sulfur rain and stabbing and poking and holy shit we’re all going to die wait why are we dying I don’t know I’m just going with what everyone else is saying ask Bill he might know why we’re dying and whatnot. I’m already kind of sick of it. How can one write comedic bloggery when everybody is all wrapped up in starting a revolution? I’m going to perform my due diligence to ignore the situation at hand and write solely about the random observations and anecdotes that used to give me and others such joy. I’m going to do this despite the fact that I keep clicking over to Facebook every 45 seconds to refresh my doom feed.
– So I was going to vote the othe– damnit. Let me fix the setup.
So I was standing in a school gymnasium the other day for NO PARTICULAR REASON WHATSOEVER and I couldn’t help but notice that most of the basketball hoops had no nets. I was perplexed. Is this not Brooklyn, Net Capitol Of The USA? Didn’t we invent the net or something? Or was it
Al Gore Sandra Bullock? I’m pretty sure that Spike Lee invented the basketball net. Or maybe it was Biggie. Whatever, so most of the hoops had no nets. The two main hoops had them, but all of the ones on the side were sans netting. You might think that this is a normal configuration, but that’s only because we’ve been conditioned by society to feel this way. Remember gym class? Who were the kids that used the side hoops? The fat kids, that’s who! And without nets, none of these chubsters will be able to tell if they made a basket or not, unless there was some sort of official keeping an eye on the hoop at all times. But nobody has time to officiate obese basketball, they’re too busy officiating the fit kids that actually have a future in sports. Well, maybe these fat kids could also succeed in basketball life if they could get a little encouragement. Is being netless encouraging? Hell no! You know what’s encouraging is giving underprivileged children THE BASIC HUMAN RIGHT OF KNOWING WHETHER OR NOT THEY SWISHED A FUCKING JUMPSHOT! Someday, the fat kids of the world are going to have their voices heard! All they need is a leader!
[Check Facebook. Teenagers in Blink 182 shirts wearing blackface. This is fine. Everything is fine. Who the fuck still listens to Blink 182?!?!?]
– It’s amazing how somebody can live in America for their entire life, but not have a single clue about the lay of the land. This is the plight of the common New Yorker. Even things relatively close to them seems like a foreign nation. Someone once told me, “Rhode Island, that’s that place in the Bronx, right?”. My ongoing life joke is that everyone thinks that Michigan is the capital of Detroit [this became less prevalent once Flint made headline news. Thank you, Flint]. The media likes to stereotype New Yorkers and General Metropolis Dwellers as open minded forward thinkers when really, they can be as ignorant as everyone else. The other day, I was quizzing a co-worker on geography. I showed her a blank map and had her tell me what she knows. She got New York and California right. But then North Dakota became Michigan. And Ohio became Chicago. Defeated, she asked me why most of the states were shaded red while a few were blue. “Well, that’s simple”, I said. “All of those states are inhabited by mouth breathing racist assholes that want to make America Great Again”. After that statement, I realized that I was referring to a bulk of this nation. Why are we trying to defend it? What are we actually trying to defend? I’m an American, but I don’t support the ideas of Arkansas and 30 other states for that matter. That makes no sense at all. We write off a lot of this country as wasteland that we would have no reason to visit and yet we are so “proud” to consider ourselves one of them? This assumption makes me and many of us total hypocrites. I guess that’s why I’m a New Yorker? Why can’t there be two presidents that preside over the states that actually elected them? Why don–shit. Stop talking about Trump.
Stop talking about Trump.
Stop talking about Trump.
Stop talking about Trump.
Stop talking about Trump.
– So I was playing Euchre and it was my turn to call– fuck.
– So I was in Atlantic City once and– gah.
– So I was eating a sandwich at work and Donald Trump– god damnit!
– So last week Rachel and I went to Donald Trump because we love Donald Trumping on our days off. We went to the Donald Trump Donald Trump because it only cost a dollar on Wednesdays. By the 4th Donald Trump, I had already taken the lead and continued to Donald Trump to the point that I out-Donald Trumped her. On the last Donald Trump, she was only one Donald Trump from tying it up, but instead Donald Trump and I Donald Trump for the Donald Trump time. It was very Donald Trump.
[Checks Facebook. A family member recites the pledge of allegiance with the words, “UNDER GOD” in caps. Look, I get the point you’re trying to make, but your interpretation is false. Not only was America founded for the purpose of religious freedom, but most religions revolve around a God of some sort. So yes, we are one nation under a God. It might not be your God and frankly, it’s none of your business. Also, you forgot to capitalize “INDIVISIBLE, WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL”. Your vote just completely negated the last lines. Happy? I’m sure you are. Don’t try to mention it to me at Christmas. Shut up, Troy. Stop talking about it. Stop talking about it. Stop talking about it.]
– This week’s edition of Ad Nauseous is brought to you by the New York Marathon. Marathon Yourself Today™:
First of all, Gotham is a fictional city. Are you referring to New York, or the city that Batman resides in? Because isn’t Gotham based off of Chicago? You ever see Batman ride the J Train? Not likely. Secondly, having 50,000 superheroes rule a city sounds fucking terrifying. We would be overrun by manchildren with X-Ray eyes, peeping into the girls locker room and whatnot. But oh, you’re referring to the marathoners? Participating in a marathon and saving the world from villains are two entirely different things. Also, what kind of tagline is “Get Your New York On”? I’m riding the subway, I think I’m already getting my New York on, thank you very much. Are they trying to get me to participate in it or just watch it on ABC 7? Why would I watch a marathon on TV? I have better things to do at 9am on a Sunday morning. Like sleep. Or protest a marathon. Lastly, who is this woman and why is she wearing an American flag? Is it a superhero thing? Is that supposed to be her cape? Did she get it for winning or just participating? Does everybody get a free American flag? If you finish the NY Marathon does somebody give you a flag to wear and then touch your boob? Because this woman is getting felt up to the max. Is that what women really want? To be in a marathon, get draped in a flag and be grabbed by the chest? Because Donny told me that they prefer getting grabbed by– SON OF A BITCH!
– I sometimes wonder what social media would’ve been like if it were around for 9/11 or the Challenger Explosion or the Spanish American War. This has nothing to do with current events. It’s just something I think about.
– I had a damn good day yesterday. Didn’t do much of anything, because it was rainy out. We went to the mall and wandered around for a bit. I friggin love the mall this time of year. It makes me feel like a kid, totally greedy for potential Christmas presents. The whole experience was oddly soothing. Then we went home and played Mario Kart in bed for 5 hours while binge watching a whole season of Parks and Rec. And ate a buttload of cheese. There was no despair or plight or arguing or protesting or teeth grinding. Just love and Mario Kart. Maybe that’s just what we all need. Simple reminders that life is worth living and whatever happens in the grand scheme of things will never affect the tiny joys that will always be waiting for us whenever we want to imbibe on them. Sure, we must be strong and we must fight for what we believe in. But come on, my dudes, we should probably rest up before we all have a goddamn aneurism.
Try this trick over the weekend: Smile. Crack a joke. Tell somebody you love them. And rest your broken heart. You’re going to need it more then ever.
Have a good weekend, my dudes.