Analog Augmented Reality… for Kids!

Recently I was talking with Joey Z at a park celebrating Scotty M surviving another year on this planet, and of course the conversation turned to what ‘those kids’ are up to these days. And how Joey Z doesn’t get it.

Specifically how he doesn’t get the new-fangled digital monster that is Pokemon Go. He recently thought he was in an episode of the Twilight Zone or a R. Bradbury short story, when on the streets of Grand Rapids, MI he witnessed hoards of people attempting to catch fictional monsters that (of course) weren’t actually there. He was baffled and nonplussed, to say the least. And also sad for humanity. So to help Joey and people like him not feel left out of new digital fads and crazes, I’ve come up with an analog counterpart.

I give you:
Specialized Analog Augmented Reality Services (SAARS)

Rather than have to be looking on your phone, or using the chip in your head – depending on how far into the new#technosuperhighwayinfoagesupercalifridgetastickoolaidmindtrip you are – this service provides a real life authentic experience that you can share with your friends, and also with random passerbyers not privy to having the latest apps on their Blackberries or Nokias. They’re still trying to get a handle on the twists and turns of Snake.

The way to do this is simple. Our team will strategically place real life non-digital items that correlate with the latest craze. So for the first installment, we present Physical Objective Kinetic Earthly Monster Or Nightbeast Grabbing Operation (POKEMON GO).

The pilot program will be in NYC, and will have our team round up a variety of naturally occurring wildlife such as rats, mice, feral cats, racoons, possums, and coyotes. If our GoFundMe goes through we can also provide more exotic animals such as tigers or lamas.

We will then paint them to look like mythical and fictional beasts. Then we will release them back into their habitat of the subways, streets of Brooklyn, McDonalds, etc. Simple.

You may think that this won’t give anyone enough information to continue to hunt these creatures. This is where the local news stations come into play. Heck, old-timey newsboys may even make a come back. “Extry Extry, read all about it! Local women bit by Charmander after refusing to give it her hotdog!” People will start calling in saying they say a Pikachu eating pizza on the subway or a Jigglypuff rummaging through their compost bin, and bam, the hunters have a lead to follow.  They’ll have to be quick though, because since this is all analog, there is a limited number of creatures. You can’t all just go to the spawn points and magically grab something. Although if you give certain creatures some time, they can probably make a brood in the course of a couple of weeks. This also makes our service educational in helping being good stewards for the planet. Conservation and animal husbandry are skills that need to be fostered and the only way in our current world to make this appealing to Millennials is to make it into a game that you can lord over your friends and strangers on the internet.

 

To this end, when players capture monsters successfully, our team encourages them to use their existing social media connections to flaunt your latest trophies. Simply use the one of the following hashtags: #SAARS #reallifepokemongo #nowihaverabies. And if you don’t use social media, we’ll start a mailing list where people can send in Polaroids of their exploits. We will Xerox a bunch of copies and paste them up on telephone poles all over the city.

Happy hunting to all my technophobic readers!