I’d Rather Not Eat Melons With A Purpose [Friday Thoughts With TeeCoZee]

Good Moleman. Are you really allowed to execute people in a local jail? It’s Friday, June 24, Two Thousand and Sixteen. The weather in Brooklyn is 86˚ & Pantone 283 and somewhere, somebody is waiting to deposit their paycheck at the drive-thru window of the bank. The person ahead in line clearly doesn’t know the proper drive-thru protocol. “Is he trying to open a damn account or what?”, the person thinks out loud. After the bank, this person is going to hit up the Arby’s drive-thru, presumably for 3 Jr Roast Beef Sandwiches [extra horsey sauce], a value order of Mozzarella Styx and a Jumbo Pibb Extra. This bountiful meal will be consumed while waiting at the pharmacy drive-thru to pick up a prescription while the person ponders their decisions, knowing that the car’s air conditioning is broken. With that, I say “welcome to my world, Bucko”. Not only do I not have air conditioning, I also don’t have a car. That means that I would have to walk through the drive-thru. Be grateful for what you have, which is a shitty car and some horsey sauce on your chin. Also, I have some things on my mind.

– I was trying to figure out the most non-offensive/passive aggressive way to tell my roommate that his utility payment was a month late. I decided to ask him if Thomas Edison got his name from his birth town of Edison, New Jersey. You know, his Kay Fabe [read: wrestling] name. I had a check in my hand within 2 minutes. I’ll deem that a good thing because I’m fresh out of National Grid puns.

– I came up with a new segment that is similar to Ad Nauseous [which I’ll get to later] but totally different and cooler. It’s called [The Sides Of Food Containers], which is a terrible name that I’ll improve in the future. This week’s food container is for Mike’s Melons®:

Welcome to the wacky world of produce advertising! This is where the consumer is the vendor and the real consumer has no idea that this facet of packaging even exists! Produce companies go through weird lengths to advertise their product, assuming that produce sellers even have a choice on what brand of products they get. Nobody is picking Mike’s Melons® because of its packaging, they’re picking them because they’re the ripest quality melons at the best cost. Poor little Melon Mike has nothing to do with the actual sale of Melons. But boy does he exist, though. He’s one rad dude. I’m surprised that he doesn’t have a skateboard. Or rollerblades. I always love a corporate cartoon character whose mouth is placed below his arms. That aesthetic would be terrifying in real life. He doesn’t even have ears for his sunglasses to sit on, but man, do they sit! And I like the bandana touch to cover the fact that he’s [gasp] bald. What confuses me, however, is his tagline. Melons with purpose? Don’t all melons have purpose? Is that really exclusive to Melon Mike and his Purposeful Melons? Or do they do something else? Do they help old ladies across the street learn how to sew? Are they striving for a greater good? Or are they simply cognizant of their place in the world?

Purpose or not, Melon Mike seems like the kind of melon that would fit right into a place like Tampa. Or any other municipality that accepts Pro Wrestling Chic as general fashion. He looks like the Hulk Hogan of melons. Melons. Hulk Hogan. Wait a minute. I see what’s going on here. This mascot is a reference to the 1991 blockbuster hit, Suburban Commando!

[I could make/post a better video, but I don’t feel like it.]

Melon Mike really hit it home with this one. In fact, as a child, every time I saw a cantaloupe I thought of Hulk Hogan squeezing it. That was the only association I had with the bland fruit. Now my life has finally come full-circle. Thank you, Melon Mike! You are truly a Melon with a purpose™!

– Every time I get a haircut, I get 2 weeks of bad hair days. It’s not a matter of perpetually getting bad haircuts but moreso because my hair is an asshole. He kicks and screams because he’s not used to change. He runs around untamed on my scalp. After the mandatory adjustment period, he gets comfortable and I look like an absolute boss. But then he gets too comfortable and becomes as fat as a house. This repeats the cycle. I can’t tell if I should get a new barber, a hair transplant or a time machine.

– This week’s Letter From Coze went out to Rachel, a girl whose Tinder profile contains nothing but a trivia fact about the one time the actor who played Mr Belvedere sat on his own balls and they had to halt production of the show:

Dear Rachel,

When I was a kid, I thought the word “butler” was the funniest in the english language. So naturally, I watched Mr Belvedere religiously, but never paid attention to the plots. I was only interested in people saying butler. The more you know.

Love, 
Coze

This was her response:

Dear Coze, 

He sat on his own balls

XOXO, 
Rachel

I think I’m in love.

– When I was transcribing that letter, I almost sent a GIF to her. The GIF option in messenger apps is really dangerous and annoying. Why would anyone even want to send a GIF of some girl dancing? And if you accidentally touch it, BAM, it’s out there and you can’t stop it. Not only does it lack originality, but it also exposes people that get nostalgic for people that ghosted them.

– One time I thought I was talking to a bot. Then I realized it was a real person. Then she ghosted on me. Then she came back. Now we’re getting drinks tonight. In which case I was toss a drink in her face and sparks will fly. She’ll melt in my hands and then perform the ultimate ghosting. The one that you cause.

– We should petition to close down all the vape stores and turn them into Hot ‘n Nows. 39 cent hamburgers are much more valuable than bros getting their raspberry vapes on. Children love cheap hamburgers. Children hate chill bros. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children?!?

– [In this space was a listicle that gave advice to prospective tourists, but after 500 words, I decided that it might as well be a standalone piece. In it’s place is the following statement: I really need to brush my teeth.]

– This weeks edition of Ad Nauseous is nothing like [The Sides Of Food Containers], is blurry as hell and is brought to you by Elate Moving:

First off, you should be tired of packing your own stuff. That’s part of the moving experience! I can understand that you might want somebody to carry your stuff and transport it and carry it again. Having somebody pack your stuff for you is really lazy and dangerous. Why would you want some stranger from Long Island rifling through your belongings? That’s what robberies and police raids are for! Also, am I the only one that finds it odd that everyone owns a pair of overalls and a bandana just for the sake of moving? It’s a total waste of space in your closet, you’d never wear it otherwise, but oh man, whenever I move, I am so glad to have a pair of overalls! What benefit do overalls even have?!? You don’t have to worry about your buttcrack? Well guess what, now you have to worry about becoming a 90’s stereotype!

Try this trick over the weekend: Walk around town wearing overalls and a bandana and gauge how many people ask you if you’re moving. Oh, how did you know? It’s certainly not because of the fact that I’m buying packaging tape and furniture blankets from this hardware store. You must’ve noticed my attire!

Have a moving weekend, everyone!

-TeeCoZee