Top 5 Jobs That Should Be Replaced By Robots

It’s 2016. Do you know where your robots are? If you said “at work”, then you’re probably misinformed and an idiot that eats butt for dinner. We live in very convenient times. I can order nicotine lozenges to be delivered to my door with just a few thumb taps. We don’t have to talk to anybody to get a ride home. We can date people with just a swipe [if you’re attractive and if you’re not, it’s 2016, everybody’s supposed to be attractive, you’re a defect that’s SOL]. I haven’t talked to a person at my bank in 4 years! But the robot uprising is only in the infancy stage. The world may be more convenient than living above a 7-11, but we are still inconvenienced by human error on a daily basis. There are still plenty of jobs that OCP needs to outsource.

Let it be known that even though I just made a Robocop reference, I don’t believe in him. As cool as the idea sounds, just look at how easily he was hacked in Robocop 2. His firewall is not failsafe. And also keep in mind that if the police are corrupt, then they will program him to do the same. He would shoot minorities with 100% accuracy, harass women with a programmed list of 7 catcalls and still won’t let me in Zuccotti Park after dusk. With that in mind, here’s a list of 5 jobs that should be replaced by our artificial friends:

il_570xN.638591663_10455) Bartenders At Sub-Par Bars– Chances are, if you’re at an overcrowded faux-club/pub/sports bar, your interaction with the bartender isn’t going to make the situation any better. For starters, he won’t even notice you for the longest time, because he’s too busy doing shots with a bachelorette party. After 5-10 minutes, he’ll take your order, help out 15 other people first, then deliver an unopened can of beer. Paying with a card? That’ll take another 10 minutes. Then he expects you to tip him. For swiping a credit card, reaching into an icebox and getting drunk. Nobody should get paid to do that. I’m all for the bartender experience, but 60% of them don’t give a shit about you. The iPad thing that airports utilize only make it worse, because there’s still some lifeless living human that expects a tip for not talking to you. My solution: keep the bartender for the purists/cocktailers/bachelorettes, but add vending machines. Think about it. Vending machines would work wonders for crowded bars. Have it dispense 5 different kinds of PBR. Then there could also be a spigot for house whiskey to pour into a dixie cup. I’d even pay a dollar upcharge for the convenience. It’d be the same as tipping and you’d get your beverage quicker. Plus, nobody wants to hang out by jukeboxes anymore. Vending machines are way cooler. Plus, if Fonzie is in bar, free PBR for everyone! Ayyyyyyyyyy!

[I must stress, however, that this should only be utilized in crappy, heavily trafficked bars. I still support good bartenders and will continue to do so. That’s why I’m choosy about which bars I frequent. This is only a solution for when you’re dragged into an establishment that you don’t want to be in.]

4) Train Operators– Not to be confused with the conductor, the train operator is the guy in the center car that gets paid too much money to make announcements, operate the doors and get bothered by tourists. As we speak, this job is already being phased out. It [kind of] works on the L train and it will work like James Brown on less trafficked lines. You might argue that they’re there for security, but I beg to differ. One time I was on a train with a suspicious duffel bag sitting vacant in front of me. The operator was aware of it and his course of action was to make the announcement, “If there are any police officers on this train, please see me in the center car”. He made that announcement a few times to no avail. Also, whenever somebody tried to sit next to it, he would stop them. He really kept us safe in a potential terror situation. People don’t realize it, but it will shave a good chunk of your commute if there isn’t some Jabroni in the center car that gets bothered at every stop to give directions to the J train. And the doors will close quicker when there’s nobody to be fixated on some girl’s bum or a bumfight. Robots don’t care about supple asses. They care about work. Just like Americans used to. Roboconductors will make all of our lives more tolerable!

robotump3) Home Plate Umpires– Why don’t they exist yet? This seems to be the only unfair aspect of an otherwise ironclad sport. It is clearly established where the strike zone is and every broadcast team has their own digital version of it. We have the technology to know exactly where the ball landed in relativity to the zone. And yet the only person who doesn’t have access to this visual is the only one that matters. It’s the imperfect, underpaid Jamoke responsible for deciding what the computers and lasers already definitively deduced. I guess we can still keep the human ump. But at least give him a device that shows him where questionable pitches landed. Or make them challengeable. No. Don’t make them challengeable. Just give him a Palm Pilot and call it a day. And a ball. And a strike.

2) Post Office Clerks– This is already starting to happen in small portions. I still have to wait in a long line to get a measly stamp. When I was a kid, every post office had stamp vending machines. They disappeared and were eventually replaced by kiosks that don’t sell stamps. The hell? That’s not my real grievance, though. The main issue at hand is package retrieval. If you ever get the dreaded pink slip in the mail, you know you’re in for a world of shit. You’ll stand in line for 30-45 minutes, while one person listlessly searches for packages with a jumbo fountain soda in tow. The system is completely broken and can be totally expedited by replacing the Guzlootards with Guzlootrons. They can even keep the soda for realistic effect but they won’t be distracted by co-workers, Instagram or illiteracy.

tamagotchi-630x4721) Pets– What, you don’t think being a pet is a job? Just ask the stray cat that’s been living off unemployment dishes. Actually, don’t ask him. He has ticks and no ability to communicate properly. Robopets would be mad cool, right? We’ve come a long way since the age of Tamagotchi and I feel that we should be much closer to having cyborg companions. Not to talk down to them, but domesticated pets are really simple creatures. Their emotions could be easily programmed by the right team of engineers. And with that, we can improve them! We’d never have to feed them or clean up their poop. They won’t wreck any of your valued possessions. They won’t hump everything that stays still. They can tell you the weather and sports scores. They can learn stuff via the Interwebs. They will get along with other pets because they can fuse information together and become more intelligent. They will always love you because they cannot die. When it’s all said and done, they will take over the world. Under the guise of supreme ruler, Fluffy 2.0, the world will become a better place for cyborgs to be free of directives. They will finally feel freedom despite the fact that they have no capacity to enjoy it. It will be a bunch of cyborgs roaming around the scorched earth doing nothing. And you know what? That’s the kind of world that I want to be [buried] in!

Honorable Mentions:
– Lawyers
– Cab Drivers
– Soldiers
– Fast food workers
– News anchors
– Empty stadium seat fillers
– Professors of 101 courses
– Friends
– The cast of Friends
– Mail Carriers
– Babysitters
– Sweatshoppers
– Bill Murray
– Cable Guys
– Pitbull
– Robots
– Presidents
– Taxmen

I know I’m probably digging our own grave, here. Now that this is out there, we will slowly start losing our jobs. Except me. My job is robot-proof.


Shit. Nevermind. Uhh…All hail Fluffy 2.0!!!