Free Wine Blog IV: Derp.

This is not to be confused with a Free Wine Blog/A Wine Blog That Is Free. The wine is free, but the blog is going to cost you. Don’t worry, I’ll send you an invoice. Yes, by reading this disclaimer, you have already agreed to pay me. This also shouldn’t be confused with Shitty Wine Blog, which is the far superior blog of which I am lampooning. If you want better writing about terrible wine, go to that blog and disregard this one. Brittany actually knows what she’s talking about when it comes to kitsch beveraging. 

I told you that I was really bad at making decisions. I figured that since Monday night’s bottle was somewhat tolerable, I’d press my luck. After all, I’m all about the big money and fabulous prizes and brand new cars [I win prizes from drinking free wine, right?]. All of my dreams for vacation getaways were crushed when I brought this Whammy home:


That’s right. I spent the night getting ran over by a bus with the 2012 Vicario Soave Classico. With my basic knowledge of French, this definitely translates to Victor’s Classic Suaveness. That’s pretty cool. I mean, I’ve never met a Victor that had any ounce of suaveness, but maybe that’s because they weren’t drinking the Kool-Aid. The bottle also states “Cantina Di Monteforte”, which means to you Brutes that it was made in the basement of Monte’s Lounge. I’m pretty sure they’re referring to the one on Bridge St in Grand Rapids. I thought that place closed down. I also thought this wine was Italian. Shows how much I know. Maybe it was just made by Italians? Does that make it Italian?


– Yup. This was definitely made in the basement of Monte’s Lounge. Upon initial scent, I caught a lot of notes of booze, cherry, pine needles and Sour Patch Kids Slurpee. A lean combination.

– Upon first taste, I got a big splash of moldy sour grapes. The more I flicked my tongue on the roof of my mouth, the more it just tasted like bland-ass grapes. Like grapes that came out of a bland person’s ass. After further oblivion-seeking gulps, I was convinced that it was made out of expired Warhead candies from the 90’s. Instead of tasting like wine, it tasted more like some mystery Schnapps that you stole from your Uncle’s toolshed. Because your Uncle’s friend makes homemade Schnapps. Don’t ask me, he was the one who did it.

– I paired this wine with Taleggio, which was the mistake of the day. The immediate combination tasted like pure armpit. I have never encountered anything in my life that was so armpit-like without being an actual armpit and for that, kudos to Victor. I discovered that if I eat the cheese and then take a gulp 1-3 minutes later, it tasted like dank weed. Once again, never encountered anything so marijuana-like that wasn’t actually marijuana. This was basically the backwards-engineering of the mystic Rich Razz: A strand of crappy weed that, if and only if cannonballed with Rich & Rare Whiskey, would taste Raspberry wine. I feel like I’m in college again!

– The shape-shifting flavors were starting to creep me out, so I switched the pairing to Wise Chili Cheese Dog Potato Chips because kill me. I have to admit, Wise did a really good job synthesizing the hot dog flavor onto a potato chip. With this, everything tasted like I was eating 7-11 food and drinking a Slurpee. Basically, I was on a road trip, which = way better than eating armpits.


The heart of this wine belongs in the basement of a 2-story home in Defiance, Ohio. Rick, a 13 year old that’s on the verge of becoming popular is arguing with his nerdy friends about which Sublime album reigns supreme. Of course, with Rick being on the verge of popularity, he had to choose the self-titled album. After all, it got the most radio play and he can almost strum Santeria on his acoustic guitar, which he swears will someday make Sarah Huntington swoon over him. He says this, knowing damn well that his favorite album is Robbin’ The Hood, because that is when they experimented the most and come on, Saw Red kicks ass. Rick’s Mom calls the boys up for dinner as one of them argues that 40 Oz To Freedom was the only album that mattered.


– Like always, I paired this wine with a game of baseball. This time, it was Dodgers vs Marlins and Mariners vs Astros. Right as I was taking my first sip, the Dodgers scored their second run of the first inning on the second wild pitch. That special kind of nonsense was foreshadowing. After Clayton Kershaw coughed up 5 runs in the 6th, Dodgers announcer and National Treasure Vin Scully stated, “Baseball is so wonderful, so marvelous”. I get it. Clayton was at the top of his game and without any sign, it all crumbled on top of him. That’s all well and good, Vin. But you don’t have Kershaw on your fantasy team.

– My neighbor has a really bright light in his hallway that shines a beam directly into the corner of my eye. This had me agitated all night and really helped to accentuate the experience.

– At one point, I made claims that the munchies are a myth perpetrated by Al Gore in order to sell more Oreos.

– I think I might’ve accidentally bought a George Foreman Grill.

– Oh good, it didn’t ship yet. Cancel. I don’t know why I wrote cancel.

– At the end of the night/bottle, I realized that I had a Tinder message. It was from the girl that was totally non-committal about getting a drink on Friday. She messaged me to tell me that it’s her best friend’s birthday, to which I laughed my ass off. The trick is to meet me first and then fake the friend’s birthday after a half hour! She did it wrong! What a loser! S’all goo. I don’t need chicks in my life, anyway. As long as I have baseball, free wine and my badassness, I’ll be fine. To be fair, I kind of actually wanted to meet this girl. But instead of feeling all like


I actually felt like


Victor’s Classic Suaveness: It’ll Make You Think You’re Really Cool!®